Should teen & preteen kids be invited to a family wedding?

Question

Groom is our cousin, but kids call him "Uncle." We are a small but close family, and to date, the kids have been involved and/or invited to all the family weddings. Bride is 41 & this is her first wedding too; she has said "no kids invited." No flower girls, no ring bearer, no jr bridesmaids, etc. My girls are 14 & 11 and very mature. Money is NOT the issue. I'm hurt and want to skip her shower. Kids are hurt, as they wanted to see their "uncle" get married. 90 yr old grandma of groom is devasted the whole family won't be at reception. Your thoughts on this couple and on a fitting shower gift if you think I should go. Will award points for best answer. Thanks.

Oh...couple announced engagement at my daughter's birthday party...& the kids thought they were invited. Family member informed us it was a "no kids allowed" wedding, but the "happy couple" have yet to step up and tell us to our faces!

Answer 1

Here's the thing: it's their wedding and they get to choose the guest list. They have chosen not to invite any children. That's an end to it.

This is not coming from someone who dislikes children, either. One of the highlights of my wedding was watching the kids play together. As a child I adored going to weddings. I've never seen a kid at a wedding in my circle get out of hand or cause anything to go horribly wrong.

But not everyone agrees that children should be at weddings. Some feel it's inappropriate, some have had bad experiences with children at weddings, and some have a kid in their lives who they know will cause untold misery should he or she be invited...and once the rule is made, no exceptions can be allowed.

You are hurting badly right now. How much worse would it be if you go without your children and discover that someone else was allowed to bring theirs? Well, that's how much worse other parents will feel if they go to this wedding and see your daughters there.

I think if you love your cousin, then you should do your best to suck it up and try to get to know the bride better. She's waited a long time to have her wedding and the last thing she - or your cousin - needs is to be rejected by the family for wanting to do it her way. For all you know, her family may believe that it's wrong to invite children to weddings. There are some families like that.

For the record, my parents were invited to several weddings without me and my brothers over the years. If they loved one or both of the couple, they went, gave as nice a gift as they could come up with, and left us at home as they were asked. When that happened, I was always disappointed, but I survived. I wasn't invited to any of my cousins' weddings nor to those of several close friends of the family who I called 'uncle' or 'aunt', but nobody made a big deal of it. Was I disappointed? Yes. But I also accepted that they chose not to invite me for whatever reason...and I know it wasn't my inability to behave myself.

Go to the shower. Give something you think they will enjoy and be able to use. Resist all temptation to choose an insulting gift. Be the bigger person. Most of all, don't hurt your cousin because you don't like how his lady is planning the wedding.

They have every right to make up the guest list they way they see fit.

ETA: It was rude of them to steal a kid's thunder by announcing their engagement at a child's birthday party. Also, if you haven't had confirmation from the bride or groom that the event is adults only, it might be wise to double check before raising a fuss. Third parties have been known to be mistaken before.

Answer 2

Is an adult party such a bad thing? Not really. Announcing it at the birthday party was probably not the best idea, but there is nothing you can do about it now.

There are positives to having an all adult reception. You and your husband can have a night out. A romantic night out without children is a beautiful thing!!!

And I know you might not like their decision, but it is THEIR wedding, and you shouldn't be mad at them for their choice. I'm quite sure they didn't do it just to spite you and your daughters.

If you are close to the groom, you should go to support him. The shower is not just for her, it's for both of them. Are the kids invited to that?

My cousin recently got married, and had a adult reception. The children of the family were, however, invited to the ceremony. The younger cousins (both about your daughters age) handed out programs and greeted guests as they came in. After the wedding the kids all went to my Aunt's house and had a big old slumber party there, while the adults were whooping it up at the reception. Maybe your daughters can get together with the other kids of the family and have a slumber party. That would keep them occupied for the night, and they would have a really good time.

Good luck.

Answer 3

I recently attended my cousin's wedding and was not surprised to see, hear is more like it, a fussy toddler in the audience throwing a tantrum. The surprising part? The mother did not remove her kid and sat through the whole thing... the sad part, they were professionally videotaping the ceremony. Not to mention, the bride and groom seemed very distracted from their moment, I know I was. At that point, I decided no young children at my wedding. I couldn't believe the mother didn't have the decency to step away... it's common sense really.

Then come to plan my wedding and a lot of my family and friends are brand new moms! Oh boy... Here's how I reason my choice:

My venue is at the top of a 14 story building on a terrace. The venue caterer told me that during one wedding the kids repeatedly attempted to climb on the balcony trallus and the fire marshal almost had to ask them to leave because of it... literally a 14 story drop straight down. Also, we were told kids would be 25 bucks to eat... chicken fingers! Really?

At this point the answer is no! I am planning to write on the invitation "Due to the location of the wedding and for the safety of your child we ask that children under 18 do not attend." It makes sense... Including children would already make my tight budget skyrocket. If I encountered a screaming kid during my ceremony I would feel compelled to turn around in the middle of it and ask the mother to leave. Furthermore, to avoid damages to this well preserved venue and its contents and, ultimately, a freak accident... its better safe than sorry to not allow kids to attend.

As an added bonus, parents could look at it as a fancy dinner date under the stars.

Don't get me wrong... I would love to have my nephew be there as I am very close with him (he is 5) but at the same time I can't help but wonder who will entertain him at the top of this building? If he does attend will I be wondering what is he doing? Is he okay? Where is he? As I would probably wonder about all of the kids attending.

If you have reasons for not inviting kids (finances, not appropriate for the type of venue, kids in your family are typically misbehaved) then why take that chance on your wedding day? It's a celebration of the bride and groom, the focus is them not the family. There are always other opportunities for kids to be present... like the million birthday parties your friends and family expect you to be present for.

Answer 4

Don't be hurt...it wasn't a personal decision. They decided no kids, and since it's their wedding, they are the ones who get to make the final decision. If they had invited other kids, but not yours, I might see it differently, but since it's an across the board decision, you really need to just roll with it. And please know that it has nothing to do with how mature your kids may be as compared to others...they are simply planning a no-kids wedding, which happens all the time (I didn't read the other answers, but some people believe that children should never be invited to any wedding...be prepared to hear that answer, too!).

My thoughts on the couple are that they know what they want, and are in the process of getting it. Good for them!

If you really want to celebrate with them, and with the kids, have a small (just them & your immediate family) reception for them when they get home from their honeymoon. Plan a bbq in the backyard, and bust out the boom-box. You can still dance and make merry, and the bride will still get the wedding she has always dreamed of.

Answer 5

Talk to your cousin! You may be jumping to conclusions on faulty or partial information. If the announcement came at your daughter's party, then it seems there may be more at play here than you are aware of. Since the couple hasn't "stepped up to the plate," as you say, then this may all be a misunderstanding.

This is Her wedding and, therefore, Her day. If she has decided she doesn't want children at her wedding, then that should be acceptable. Not everyone are comfortable having children in social "adult" situations regardless of how well-behaved or mature said children may or may not be. However, that being said, I know as a parent, our children can be our soft spot and our blind spot and not inviting them can be viewed as a snub. i would check with the couple before I got too hasty, a similar occurrence happened in my wife's family and the "no children" rule was only meant for those who were not family. Also, bear in mind that any snub against the bride is a snub against the groom. If the no children rule is for all children, and you really don't want to be a part of their day, then I would send a modest gift from her registry with a polite RSVP saying that you will be unable to attend.

Answer 6

Well, the hosts set the guest list. There could be very good reasons why this couple is not including children at their wedding. Maybe they are blowing their budget and this is what they can afford. I can understand why you're hurt -- every parent thinks their child is special (I'm sure your children are) and should be included in every family event. However, the bride & groom have decided to have an adults-only event. You shouldn't be upset by this. Not everyone wants to have children around at all times. Instead, think of this as a night away -- just you & your hubby.

Don't skip the shower -- that wouldn't be very nice. As for 90yo Grandmother, I'm afraid she'll have to get over it. If you want the "whole family together" then have a picnic before or after the wedding and invite everyone. You don't need a wedding to get the family together. The bridge & groom should not be expected to finance your family's reunion.

Edited to add: It was very uncool of them to announce their engagement at a child's birthday party. They should not have taken away from her day.

About the invitations, the couple doesn't have to tell you, "to your faces," kids aren't invited. That's what the invitation is for. If the invitations says Mr. & Mrs. YOUR NAME -- that's it. You two are invited & not the kids. If the invitation lists your kids name or says The YOUR NAME Family or Mr. & Mrs. and Family -- then you are all invited.

Answer 7

Just because the 'family member' said no kids, doesn't mean that's the truth. They may have misunderstood. And if it is true, there may be an age limit. I would wait until I know for sure what the guidelines are going to be before I got upset. A birthday party is not the place to announce a wedding, but that's past. As far as the shower, if your family is close, and your kids call the cousing 'uncle', why would you be considering not going? It may be a 'bridal' shower, but ultimately the gifts are for both, as is the support. And keep in mind, it's THEIR wedding...they can do it however they want!! (espcialy if they're paying for it themselves)

Answer 8

Did the bride say this or a random family member? If you haven't heard it from the bride, then maybe you should ask her. You don't have to be rude, just ask. You can explain that you won't be able to attend the wedding but not the reception if the kids can't be there.

Usually, this is because the bride and groom expect the reception to be flowing with alcohol. It's difficult to be upset with a couple that is concerned for your kids safety.

Answer 9

I'm going to be perfectly honest with you. We are suggesting the same thing at our wedding next May, that there be no children. We are only doing that because of cost. Everyone has to understand when you have and plan a wedding you have to pay full price for children 12 and under if you do not have the exact amount to fill the room. If we were able to include the children in we would but cost wise we can not. You never know what the bride and grooms reasons are but they must have a good reason. I have plenty of neices, nephews and cousins but we just don't have all that extra money to pay for all those kids and you have to realize some people they can't handle their children and they misbehave too and the parents just let them run around, so you have to think about all of the reasons they may have. Just my opinion.

Answer 10

If you aren't giving a gift because they are not allowing kids at a wedding, I think that is petty. Don't give a gift for other reasons. Finances, etc.

If they do not want kids at the wedding, that is their prerogative and their choices should be respected.

Frankly I would wait to see if the bride and groom states that on the invitation instead of getting all hurt about it now. They MAY change their mind and allow kids.