Question about telling kids they are adopted?

Question

My wife and I are trying to adopt and all the books we got say to no bad mouth the birth parent. To say how selfless it was for them to give the child up and how much they loved youto give you up. Well here is my problem we fully intend to tell out child they are adopted, but we are doing foster to adopt. We can't afford private or international. So we will foster a baby/toddler who was taken from their mother because of GOD knows what. If she does not clean up her act we will adopt. How can we say nice things and she did not willingly give up the baby up but was taken.

To clarify we don't want to bad mouth the bio parents. We plan on letting the child know from day one they are adopted by haveing adoption day party everyyear. So with that there be questions on where they come from. I am trying to find the most tactful way of telling them without lieing

Answer 1

Not all people are able to express their love, either because they have very serious issues and cannot help themselves(Theyre sick in the head or body, or addicted), or else they were not taught how to be loving.

Some times, even people who are grown up, dont know how to act and be grown up, and even though they have children, they do not want to learn how to love and care for them.

It does not make them bad people, or people who hate their children, it makes them human and full of flaws. We still must love them, and acknowledge them as our parents, although they are not a part of our daily lives.

Some times Parents, even though they only had enough love to create and birth a baby, cannot raise it, so they need other people to love the baby and be the new mom and dad.

You dont have to explain why, because often you will not know with fostering. But in this day and age, just the fact that the child was born and not aborted is proof enough that some level of love, no matter how small, existed in the mother.

You want a child to have answers, and you can expose a lot of the state of humanity without insighting hate. Thats the goal. Adopted kids need to know they came from a different life, and now have a new one. They were Smith's, but now they are Jones', they will always be Jones' their children will be Jones', and they respect the Smith's.

Knowledge, grief, and growth, are all healthy. Hatred is not.

Answer 2

You can be truthful without bad-mouthing. For example, if a child was taken due to neglect, you can tell them their mother was having a hard time taking care of herself, and couldn't take care of her children so they came to live with you. As they get older, you can add more details, but be objective and non-judgemental. If a child was taken due to abuse or something similar, tell the child the mother had problems with her temper and you came to live with them because it was safer for mother and child. You don't need to say nice things, but being too harsh with comments about the mother may make the child feel like it was their fault they were taken from their home. Also, keep in mind that many foster children are of the age that they will remember what has happened, and may even need to participate in the court proceedings. In this case, be open and honest, and work with the child's social worker to determine what, how, and when to tell the child the details of the situation. Good luck!

Answer 3

To start with, think about how hearing stuff about the birth mother will feel to those children. If they hear that their birth mother was trash, in their immature minds, they will hear that they, too, are trash. You may have wanted to adopt them, but since their birth mother "threw" them away, they can't be any good. So, start your concept of what to tell them not based on the truth of their birth mother, but on the reality of what they need to hear in order to build a healthy sense of themselves and some self-esteem.

I'm not sure I would go into the selfless routine. That can sound like a lie. But a modification of the truth can help. I have several cousins who were adopted because their parents were drug addicts. How about a rendition that sounds like this.

Your mother struggled with some challenges. She realized that because of those challenges her ability to care for you was nonexistent. She cared enough to want you to have the best possible chance to have a good life that she could offer you. So she gave you up for adoption to people who could love you and give you the home life you need and deserve.

That doesn't make the birth mother a hero, makes certain the children know the issue was the mother's, that they didn't cause it, and phrases it in such a way that the mother was seeking to give them what the "deserve." Ok...she might not have been, it might have been the court...but let the kids have that much.

Answer 4

you could simply say to the child that his or her mother did not want to give them up, but they were so unwell that they were not capable of looking after them properly, so the authorities decided that he or she would be better of with some one who could look after them properly, while their mother had a chance to get better and or change their life! and then tell the child how much you love them etc! i don't know i am not an expert in these things! but its just an idea! i am sure that you and your wife will find the right things to say at the time... and well done! good luck! the child will ask questions in his or her own time try not to push it! i am not saying to hide the fact it is adopted either. its difficult to answer your question! if i was you i would speak to some people who have been adopted and find out from them what for them would of been the right thing to have been told, and how best to handle it!

Answer 5

I was adopted and I have ALWAYS known. Telling a child later that they are adopted is HARSH. My parents celebrated my 'Special Day' every year....I am 36 now and we still celebrate! They made it a wonderful thing. It should not ever be a secret or something that is hidden - that adds a negative connotation to it. Please tell. All of us adopted kids deserve that.

Answer 6

I don't think someone having their baby taken away would be any easier than having someone willingly give up their child.

I would suggest before you adopt, or speak to your children (to be) to put yourself in the mothers shoes. What is her life like, with and without child, what made her act this way, what did she have to go through, how did she end up where she is. Maybe if you have compasion towards the mother instead of hatred you will see it isn't that difficult to explain to your children.

There is a reason why private and international agents cost money, it is to screen potential parents to insure they will raise the child 'correctly' and in a safe and loving environment. From what you have said, it doesn't seem secure, nor loving.

I think you may be doing about this incorrectly. Maybe that's just me?

Answer 7

Just say "life has a way of wearing people down and your biological parents had a very hard tiem and knew they couldnt keep you so they allowed us to take you and love you as our own. everyone makes mistakes adn nobody is perfect and it was nothing you did. sometimes people have issues inside them it takes alot of help to control." you really dotn have to go into specifics that would be between the birth mom and child to discuss . if you say too many discouraging things it will make the child resentful and hateful to the parents they never knew and theres always another side to the story so you would want the child to atleast be fair enough to let their birth parent explain......

Answer 8

well, i understand, but if you tell the child her mother couldn't straighten up enough to keep her, that could destroy the girl self esteem they wil think the birth mother didn't want her. it will be hard to get over something like that. you can say you don't know much and that you are happy she came into your lives! i am sure, most adopted children try to find their birth parents and they will find out eventually what happened, when they are older and can handle it. i just wouldn't talk about the birth mom too much good luck!

Answer 9

awwww, I want to adopt as well . . one of these days. The thing that I can say is do not say anything, unless the child mention his/her mother. When the child does start asking question tell that child something along the lines that your mother isn't well right now, however she is trying to better herself.

Basically take the negative and somehow try to make it a positive.

Answer 10

Tell the kid the truth. Don't say it in a negative way, just admit what happened and let the child decide if that was bad. Most likely it was, but if I wasn't around my real mommy I would want to know why. You can sugar-coat it if you want but they will find out the whole truth in the long run anyhow.