I have a friend who got pregnant while under the influence of drugs. She became clean and sober after discovering that was indeed pregnant. But still, her 4 month old son is experiencing some problems now. She just found out that he is deaf and may be autistic due to his lack of motor skills. He has difficulty holding his head up. And he has severe asthma. The back of his head is also very flat, which would suggest to most that she doesn't hold him too much and/or he never gets tummy time (which would in fact help him learn to hold his head up). So I really wonder if he could really be autistic or if it's just that she never does anything with him to help his motor skills.
I really think she means well, she just doesn't posess the right tools to know how to be a good parent. I can't help but mother her child for her when I come over. Plus she's got another friend living with her who helps a lot. I don't want to call CPS. So how do I help her get a clue that she's doing a crappy job?
2007-06-23 10:11:43 · 10 answers · asked by starlight_940 4 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
By the way, she has worked very hard to turn her life around. Maybe it was a little too late, I know. But she is really on the right track now and has been sober for a quite significant period of time. So it's not that she's using now. I know that much. But I don't think her parents did the greatest job raising her to be a responisible person. Therefore she really seems to be lacking in the parenting department as well.
2007-06-23 10:13:58 · update #1
It sounds to me like she just might not know how to parent a baby... it happens to a lot of women! Maybe if you see her struggling with him, obviously (ie... he's crying and she can't seem to help him settle down, and she's obviously flustered), you could suggest that the local parenting class really helped another friend of yours learn tips and tools for dealing with those kind of situations. As for the no tummy time problem, maybe you could buy the baby a tummy time mat or play-gym (Boppy makes a great one), and when you give it to her, tell her if she puts him in it while he's awake, it should help round out his head. I think the trick here is to do everything nicely, without making her defensive. I wouldn't call CPS unless you really feel the baby's well being is in danger. It sounds like she would know you have her baby's best interest at heart, so just try some sublt ways to tell her what helped you or your friend with your baby's_____ (flat head, lack of motor skills...). Good luck!
2007-06-23 10:31:32 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, lead by example! Sit her down and have a heart to heart with her! Have the baby in front of you and demonstrate what should be done, how he should be held and whatever else you notice that you think is lacking. Point out the flatness of his head and ask her if she's noticed that. Ask her if she likes being a parent. Depending on her answer, if it's more to the negative, like it's a burden or over-whelming to her or something, perhaps she should adopt. Tell her to consider the life she's able to give to this child. If everything is a problem to her with the child, he will only get more and more shortchanged as his life goes on. Just because you've given birth doesn't qualify you to be a loving parent, which should be every child's God-given right. And the child probably does have special needs and if she's not up to this challenge, it's only going to get more difficult for both mother and child. See if you can get anything logical out of her and judge for yourself if she's a fit mother and wants to actually be a mother and the responsibility that involves. Have you heard of the safe haven law that operates in most states, that you can give up your child with no questions asked, to any fire hall or hospital, though I think it has to be a newborn, but her child is still quite young, maybe it's still an option for her. But from what you say, it sounds like she's right out to lunch in caring for the child. She doesn't sound very interested as she'd have more of the answers already herself. But that's ultimately her decision, does she want this child or not? Help her figure that out at least! Good luck!
2007-06-23 17:40:55 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
First of all, please don't tell your friend she is doing a crappy job. She probably doesn't need to hear that. Show her how to do things. Make suggestions. You know your friend better than we do. You know how you can offer and help without her being offended. Show her lots of love. Lots of people have not had the upbringing to be good parents. That is no excuse though. Maybe you could buy some books for your friend about the development of children and what they should be doing. There might be a place she can go to get parenting skills. Good luck!!!
2007-06-23 17:40:12 · answer #3 · answered by supersweetfungal 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Autism can not be diagnosed in a 4 month old. She needs to get into some parenting classes, and her son should qualify for early intervention therapies through the state, as well as disability payments. CPS will likely not remove the child from the home in her case, but they can help her get the social services she needs to help her son. Call a social worker and ask for advice, she needs your help now!
2007-06-23 17:18:23 · answer #4 · answered by parental unit 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First, you can't diagnose autism in a 4 month old. It does sound though that somebody needs to interfere. Are there responsible people in her family that could help. Maybe there is some sort of agency that has support groups for moms. Try Googleing that for your area. Calling CPS isn't the worst thing you can do. Sometimes they can offer services to help. They don't automatically remove the child .
2007-06-23 17:16:56 · answer #5 · answered by EC Expert 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
you could always talk to her about getting the child in to Early intervention. They will help her learn how to work with her child. That would get her working better with her child and if they see any problems they would address them, Early intervention is a free service provided threw most states they have Physical therapy , Speech therapy , special ed teacher and more so any way i hope i helped ~~ Best of luck
2007-06-23 17:19:00 · answer #6 · answered by kitty81301 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
check into parenting classes in your area and go to them with her if necessary. you say she had a drug problem so its possible that she never got exposed to mothering before she had her own. help her out as much as you can, she could use a good friend.
2007-06-23 17:16:11 · answer #7 · answered by pocahontas80_1999 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
She needs new mother classes. Do they have any in your area?
If you can't get her into classes, you are going to need to report her. It would be a total shame to let that baby grow up being neglected. Think of his welfare, over hers.
2007-06-23 17:17:21 · answer #8 · answered by kiwi 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
just come out and tell her if i was u i would but be ice about it if ur really worried abut the child i would do so asap!!!
2007-06-23 17:18:42 · answer #9 · answered by butterflykisses01247 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If the kid is not and danger from neglect or abuse I'd say let them be.
2007-06-23 17:47:42 · answer #10 · answered by D M 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋