Me & my bf have been together for almost 4 years now and we love each other to death... we've talked several times about marriage and stuff, but he wants to live with me for a while before getting married... I first thought it was weird because he knows me pretty well, we've spent several weeks together when we've traveled and stuff, and if he loves me I think we don't need to live together before getting married, I feel like he wants to test our relationship or something to see if we can actually get married... I don't know... I told him that, and he said he just wanted to do it because he thought it was a good idea and that he loved me and that if he wanted to do that it's not because he was trying to test our relationship, he says he wants to marry me, that's his dream and all, he even talked to his parents and to my parents, but he still wants to live together before we get married... What do you think? Is that a sign of insecurity from him? or maybe I'm just paranoid? Help!
2007-06-23 04:55:35 · 23 answers · asked by ? DeSi ? 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
I am getting married in September and I have been living with my boyfriend for 3 years now. We were together for a while before we moved in together. Prior to that were very much in love with each other and had a perfect relationship.
Once we moved in problems that I never thought would exist started coming up. We broke up a few times and got back to each other. It is completely different when you live with the person and it doesn't matter how long you've been with each other or trips you've taken. When you are out of your comfortable environment you tend to react different towards certain issues. You learn hell of a lot more when you actually live with your partner. We always talked about getting married but we had issues that had to be resolved and we worked on ourselves so that today that we are tying the knot we know there are no serious issues.
Why do you think they say the first year of marriage is the most difficult one? because couples who haven't lived together are going through that process of REALLY knowing the other person and often get surprised when they see a different person from who they are used to. Some survive this shock but some don't and walk away.
From my own experience (including my two best friends) we are very happy we lived with our guys before marriage.
Some people may disagree with me and say "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" the answer is that this is a temporary situation and we live in the 21 century. You should give yourself a time limit (for example 6 months or one year) if it works out then you should get married and if not then you move out and don't waist your precious time and you make this arrangement clear to your boyfriend so he doesn't take your presence for granted.
good luck.
2007-06-23 06:57:15 · answer #1 · answered by Shelley S 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I can understand where you are coming from. My now husband was the same way. It was hard for me because I grew up in a family where you just don't live together until marriage. Well my roommate ended up walking out on me and I was in danger of losing my apt. if I didn't get some income so I let my bf at the time move in. It was awesome. We learned so many things about each other that we didn't know from dating. My parents weren't thrilled (my father didn't speak to me for a month) but we got engaged about 3 months after he moved in so it helped my family accept the situation. As soon as my bf discovered we could live together without killing each other he was comfortable with getting engaged. So I guess I would say unless you are really opposed to the idea give it a try. Maybe tell him to keep his apt. at first in case it doesn't' work out. He can live with you for a month or two and then officially leave his apt if he is comfortable. My hubby and I will be married 2 years in the fall!
2007-06-23 08:23:32 · answer #2 · answered by Elizabeth L 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I don't think you're just being paranoid. I don't see the point of him wanting to live with you first unless he's trying to test the relationship. Living with someone makes you find out more about them. He might want you two to live together first so he can see if you two are really right for each other rather than just getting married and then possibly finding out you two can't stand to live with each other which could end badly.
I'm not sure who's right in this. Though, personally, I'd prefer to just take a chance and get married. Four years is a long time to be with someone so I think you two are going to end up well. He's probably just a little insecure. Try talking to him about it some more. If he still insist on moving in first, then let him move in if you're ok with it too.
2007-06-23 05:02:55 · answer #3 · answered by Bats 5 · 1⤊ 2⤋
If you are financially ready to buy a house together, you should get married first. The only reason I can think that he wants to live together first is that he is unsure how you to will mesh in a household situation. If he is a neat freak he might be worried that you are a slob (no offense...just giving an example). Then again, since you have traveled together, that might not be the issue at all. If you decide to live together before marriage, I suggest getting engaged and setting a date first. That way you can't keep putting off actually getting married. Good luck!
2007-06-23 05:05:07 · answer #4 · answered by Mia1385 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I can't tell you what his reasoning is, but I dated a guy for 6 years, moved in with him, and within a year realized that I didn't want to marry him. I'm so happy that I didn't! I was very young (20) so I think that had much to do with it. If the two of you are older and have previous dating and relationship experience, I don't see the need to move in together first. If it seems as if he is having doubts, maybe it would be a good idea to live together first. Good luck!
2007-06-23 05:04:27 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 5⤊ 0⤋
It is not a sign of insecurity. I actually agree with him on this one: you never REALLY know someone until you live together. I've only lived with my fiance for a month, and in that time I have learned more about him than I did in the three years we were together beforehand. It is definitely a good idea in that sense, because you haven't spent the millions of dollars on a wedding yet...it could turn out (unfortunately) that your living styles simply don't mesh.
Not saying it WON'T work, just saying it's nice to know before laying down the money... :-)
2007-06-23 05:10:51 · answer #6 · answered by Esma 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Actually, my mother recommended to me that I should live with someone before marrying them, and she was right. There's a big difference between spending a few weeks and traveling together, and the day-in-day out of normally life. You may find that you really can't stand each other, or there may be things that you need to work on.
However, it is up to you. But I don't really think that you should be paranoid. It might be a good learning experience for both of you :)
2007-06-24 04:43:42 · answer #7 · answered by Ari 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Ok you ask, I am answering.
Honey, this doesn't pass the smell test. And I think you know it.
You know the truth. You have known each other for 4 years, you've spent a few weeks together on trips. Does he want to get married? No, he doesn't. Does he want to live together? Yes he does, it will buy him time to think of something else, some other excuse to not get married.
If you move in together, then eventually he says he wants to have a baby first before getting married, get on a bus, a train, or a plane. Just get out!
2007-06-23 05:37:59 · answer #8 · answered by danashelchan 5 · 2⤊ 2⤋
Its a good idea and a preparation for him by the sounds of it, i think he is a little shaken by a society that does not promote marriage as much as sex unfortunately, try it but don't let that run into another 4 years, have a time limit in you head personally i would expect him to be making a marriage proposal by the end of a year good luck if that type of security is important to you hopefully he should respect that.
2007-06-23 05:09:51 · answer #9 · answered by BettyBoop 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What's that old saying? How does it go? Something about he won't buy the cow if he is getting the milk for free.
JMO . . . but I think after four years he knows whether or not he wants to marry you. You don't have to live with him if you don't want to do so. If he doesn't want to marry, then let him go. Find someone who values you and wants to marry you. And yes, there are many out there who share your values and prefer to marry without living with you first.
Even if YOU wanted to live with him, I would suggest putting a time limit on it. Let's face it . . . after a month of living together, you definitely know whether or not the marriage will be workable. Don't let the living together period drag on indefinitely.
As another respondent said, there is a lot here about what boyfriend wants . . . not a lot about what YOU want. I think you should really think about what YOU want. If you don't want to live with him, then don't live with him. You need to go with your intuition. Do what makes you comfortable.
2007-06-23 05:06:56 · answer #10 · answered by Suz123 7 · 3⤊ 1⤋