How do you start a new relationship and not make the new person "pay" for what your ex did to you?

Question

Ex is now in prision for murder, had used drugs, alcohol, broke into houses to feed habit. Cheated on me, had a baby with other woman, right after I had a hysterectomy, and the list goes on and on. So I have not even dated in the four years sense the divorce, I now think I am ready to date, but I don't even want to deal with anyone who drinks (at all) and drug use is a deal breaker, the other stuff I know that I need to have some kind of way to compromise. HELP! I really do not want to be alone the rest of my life

Answer 1

I went through a rough spot a few years back... a bad relationship left me with some pretty serious scars. I don't want to say that it all ended overnight... but one day, the clouds really lifted, once I recognized 3 essential truths:

1) The rest of the world does not care about your grudges, problems, etc. That's the bad news. Now, for the good news: they don't care about *my* grudges, problems, etc. either. So we are in the same boat there. =) The one thing the rest of the world cares about is if you can empathize with *their* grudges, problems, etc.

As an added bonus, when you help others fix their lives, you have less time to focus on the bad things that happened to you. After all, the past is Over. Done with. Gone. Doesn't matter if it happened 5 seconds ago, or 5,000 years ago. Same net result. So: Move on.

2) Due to this weird thing psychologists call the Fundamental Attribution Error, people will be less forgiving of your faults than their own. You're in a bad mood today? While *you* would (correctly) write it off as a consequence of spilling the morning coffee, losing the car keys, being late to work, etc. other people (who don't know you better) will assume that that's pissed off is your natural personality. She looks pissed? Ooo... I'd better avoid talking to HER. She looks happy and successful? Must be a nice person, so I'd better go say Hello. It's not fair, but that's how the world works.

3) The people that you are pissed at, have (in all likelihood) moved on already, if they haven't completely forgotten about what they did to you. So, the only person you are making miserable here is YOURSELF. Also realize, that unless something new is happening, right here, right now.... that the majority of your thoughts are just a highlight reel of things that have ALREADY HAPPENED. Yes, you can spend your time thinking about all the bad things that happened, and reliving the bad emotions over and over again. But you also have the CHOICE to spend the time thinking about the good things that have happened to you instead. Like the director of any show on TV, you can decide which highlight (or lowlight) reels you want to watch, and your reality will improve or decline accordingly. Do you still have to deal with real-life events? Yes. Will some of them throw you off balance? Sure. We all experience these. But you will be AMAZED how easier it is when you no longer self-generate the drama in your life.

So, what most people might call "reality" is often just an EMOTIONALLY-BASED FANTASY LAND. Would you rather spend the time at Disneyland? Or is Alcatraz better? It's up to you.

Perhaps reliving good events is a new habit, and you have to force yourself to change your thinking the first few times. At first, it may be tough to start thinking about good experiences, especially when bad ones are the habit. But eventually, like anything else, thinking pleasant thoughts becomes a habit. Then people notice that you are happy, successful, etc. and the world starts working with you to accomplish your goals, instead of against you. Of course, after some time, you start to wonder why everyone around you seems more miserable than you are, but hey, there will always be problems, and those aren't bad ones to have, IMO. =)

Hope it Helps.

Answer 2

I don't think you're really ready to date yet. You're lonely and want someone around, but that's not the same thing.

You need to stop looking for deal breakers first. If you find yourself on a date and making a list in your head of all the little things you don't like, just bail and wait for a bit before you try again.

I understand that alcohol and drug abuse is an issue for you. But in the case of alcohol, it's so widely accepted, that you may need to be a bit more open on that. If a date has a single glass of wine with dinner, that's not a deal breaker yet. If he orders a pitcher of beer, then asks what you're having to drink, that's different. I wish you luck in your return to the dating scene. Just try to keep an open mind and give each guy a fresh chance.

Answer 3

Hmm.. there are good men out there. Surprising, yes. However, in order to not make the new guy "pay" you need to accept the fact that there ARE people out there who won't hurt you and be terrible people. For every bad one there's a good one, but when you find a good one, you need to treat him like you've just encountered a man for the first time. Forget about the bad memories and take it easy. Get to know him. Relax. You sound like a good woman, it shouldn't be a problem for you to lock a guy down :)

Answer 4

Well, I got good news and bad news for ya... The bad news is that you can't leave all that emotional baggage behind... It's impossible... The good news is that if you find someone that loves you enough to put up with your problems and you with his, you can work on those problems slowly... It'll take years maybe, but you'll be a better person in the end.

After all.... where there's a will, there's a way

Answer 5

Sweety, it's a Give and Take. Give yourself a hug and say I made it through the storm and Take back your power to heal those wounds. Take action and allow yourself to define your status and conquer your fears. Dont let dissapointments defy your findings in a good relationship. Manufactures made too many Benzes to not buy a Mecedes. Good luck Sweety! Take back your will power!!!!!

Answer 6

you need to find love and respect for yourself first befor eyou can start up anything... no doubt he has burnt you to the ground...... and understandable that you want to steer clear from drinkers etc etc. It is great that you finally know that yopu want to move on now, but maybe seek sopme futher help and try not to compare the men who will pass you by to your ex. this will leave you lonely as you must remember they are not him........... GOOD LUCK

Answer 7

i'm an particularly severe individual and supply all that I even have in a courting so the wear and tear is severe once I wreck up with a love. My first husband cheated on me, we had 3 toddlers with the aid of then, i attempted stressful to make our courting artwork for sixteen years yet confident it nonetheless harm some once I found out he grow to be marrying yet another women and that i grow to be already marrying my 2d husband. i think of it grow to be the fact that we had a kinfolk at the same time and that i grow to be disappointed nonetheless that he hadn't tried harder to make our kinfolk artwork. My 2d husband is surely my previous love, I had commonplace him while i grow to be 18 and we've been given married later in existence, i grow to be very harm once I found out that he grow to be residing with yet another women after he deserted my toddlers and that i yet then i found out that he consistently deserted friends and kinfolk, he does not enable himself to experience somebody elses love so on an analogous time because it nonetheless hurts somewhat i think alleviation understanding that it wasn't for the lack of me attempting and that supplies me greater peace of innovations and coronary heart.

Answer 8

you have the right not to want to deal with all that junk. you are not making anyone pay for anything. you have to be cautious and look before you leap ,compromising is good but not to the risk of your safety. good luck.

Answer 9

Hey, at least he didn't kill or torture your pets or children.

Also, if you live in a blue-state, there are probably free services for victims of domestic violence.

Please get help, and our prayer group will pray for you this wednesday.

Answer 10

Let go of your resentments and forgive the other person and forgive your self of the shame and guilt.