if you were engaged and found that your fiancee had several recent web personals , what would you do?

Question

I am writing this question because I have discovered that my fiancee of 18 months has a number of recent and very well maintained web personals accounts and profiles, which my fiancee denies adamately. I used a covert program to track all activity on the computer I loaned to my fiancee. As adamant as the denials are, I know better, as I have forgotten more about the internet than most "IT pros" know. I am embarrased that I did not trust and in fact broke the bond of trust between us, but I am massively hurt by what I have most unfortunately discovered. I broke up with my fiancee yesterday and am in a hotel room with no where to go and I am trying with all of my heart to understand this and make the right decisions. Your opinions, as always, are valued and welcome. Thanks -

Answer 1

This is apparently Cloe's fiance as suggested by the second question that has been posted on here in the last 24 hours. Why did you feel a need to install a program on the computer if you wanted to be with this person for the rest of your life? Did you feel like she was cheating then and if you did why propose? I think you have done what you feel is appropriate and that's fine but it doesn't sound like you had much trust in your relationship to begin with so it's much better for both of you to end it now and go your separate ways.

Answer 2

You have a right to be upset and you were not wrong to track his movements on the internet. You must have known something was up with him, since you did track his movements.
If you think he has been cheating or did cheat in the past then this was a wake up call that getting out of the relationship now was the best move.
However if you do not think he actually cheated and has never cheated in the past you could just tell him your feelings. Explain how ticked off you are (if he calls you. dont call him. If he doesnt call you to try and makeup then he doesnt really love you). Force him to take down all the personals.

I had a friend who had the same thing happen, kinda. She was seeing a man exclusively. She had met him online at a website for people looking for long term/ marriage relationships. She felt nervous since she had met him online and was suspicous of him after a while. So she purposely made up a fake profile. She used a beautiful model's picture she found randomly online. Made up a fake name and profile using the model's picture. Then she sent HER man a msg in response to his profile to see if he was really using his personal profile anymore. Sure enough he responded to the fake model profile and was lying about being single.
So the real way to test him is to make a fake profile with a pretty girl's pic (maybe a coworker or a random not well known model, say from a sears catalog). Then see if he responds to a msg from the fake profile. If he pretends to be single and wants to hook up then you know for certain.

Good luck in whatever you decide. Call your friends and relatives and move in with them/ stay with them until you find another place.

Answer 3

I am so sorry for you that he broke your heart. Not only is hes not committed to you he is also a liar. If he was committed he would not have these personal sites. When you confronted him he had the opportunity to come clean and ask for your forgiveness, yet he chose to lie to you and in some ways almost put the blame on you. I dont agree with spying on him if you had no reason to suspect anything, but dont feel guilty about it because you in fact did find out he was unfaithful. Even if he has never met in person any of the women he talked to, he still talked to them online and was giving the perception that he was single and available, and that is cheating. I know you still love him because that doesnt stop just because you found this out about him, but try your best to look at the bright side. You found out what kind of man he was before you married him. I am not the kind of woman who thinks you "kick to the curb" because of a mistake even if that mistake is cheating as I do believe things can change, but the fact that once confronted he still lied, Im not sure I would give him a second chance. If you decide to give him a second chance then you should contact him via one of these sites and pretend to be someone else and see what his reaction is. Then you'll know for sure whether he is continuing or not. Good luck.

Answer 4

I do not know whether you are right and he is wrong OR vice versa OR you both are right OR you both are wrong. But I am sure that the realtionship has soured and you too are not having faith in each other. It is better that you have decided to break up.

I have to submit that having a number of profiles on dating sites and having been in touch by way of e-communication may be a bad habit of a person but it is still better than the person involving in a relationship without others knowledge. Truth is not what we know & hear about; it is more than that.

I would like to suggest that you should enter in to a relationship with open mind and remember that some people are involved in pure & harmless fun of being in contact with a number of people and as long as it is harmless it should be tackled in a tactful manner. Of course; it does not mean that your fiancee was right. He might having this bad habit but he has also committed a breach of trust by way of not disclosing and also by giving you wrong information upon your questioning.

I hope this clarifies the position.

Answer 5

I am so sorry that you're heart is broken. Sometimes there are things in life that is not meant to be understood. I know that sounds like a cop out and I do wish I had better words for you. Call a girlfriend, grab some ice cream, cry if you need to and tomorrow pat yourself on the back that you found out before you were married. After all, your gut instinct did speak to you or you would of never have used the covert program in the first place.
Be strong!

Answer 6

1. Clearly, you had a reason not to trust him, so don't feel as if you did anything wrong in tracking his behavior. Your instincts were right on.

2. As for what you should do, I think it's obvious that you need to make a life for yourself apart from him. You can't trust him, and it would be a huge mistake to marry him. Do you have family that you could stay with until you sort things out? What about friends? Whatever you do, don't go back to him. You've had the proof that he's tried to cheat. Don't give him the chance to actually go through with it.

Answer 7

Don't get married. Your fiancee clearly isn't committed enough to be getting married, plus you will never be able to trust him. Tell him that you had a program installed on your computer and already know about his activity. Therefore, you are calling it off. End your relationship and find a good guy who isn't interested in having personals all over the place.

Answer 8

This unsaid and unwritten trust bond is very hard to repair once broken. But every broken thing can be repaired with right attitude,tools, temperament & willingness etc..Talk to ur fiancee again and c what happens keep trying till success is in your pocket. The other person will understand ur position.
But do not use aggressive tools to handle the situation u know what i mean.

Answer 9

Chloe, I'm so sorry you have had this experience. In a year or two, you'll be telling others you were lucky to find out before you got married. Unfortunately, in this world of the Internet, this is going to be more prevalent.

You made the right decision. Don't doubt your decision. Take some time to recover, then get back on the road to your dreams.

Answer 10

This is only what you know about and probably only the tip of the iceberg. Imagine what he's doing in real life? Good you found about it before. Obviously you had a reason to suspect something. He could be addicted to **** and be in serious debt up to his kahoonies.

You did the right thing, unfortunately the right thing hurts like hell. You got out now, not when you were a stay-at-home Mom with small children, which would be worse.