How do you cope when the one you love most in the world is in pain?

Question

...and there is nothing that you can do about it? I come here and answer some questions and ask a few and avoid talking to anyone straight-on like crazy. I don't want to talk about it. I don't know how to let it go. Our worst individual fears clashed yesterday. Both have to do with rejection and validation. We agree that these fears are irrational. What makes them so is the depth and the inability to cope. She was so upset she got sick. I was so upset I got angry because I knew not how to cope with my own fears. I'm working on it. I don't know why she didn't just leave, or why she loves me so still. I know it's best not to dwell but that seems impossible right now. Blame is killing us both, and we blame ourselves. I hate myself for saying things in anger I never meant - I get so frightened when I think I'm being rejected, and my fear was playing upon her own, and vice versa. I cannot stand the fact that she is in pain right now and seeing her is impossible. She is so good to me,

She puts up with the worst parts of who I am. I never knew she had her own phobia regarding validation. We both just realize it in very different aspects of our lives. I know that yesterday had to happen for the two of us to learn more about what is inside our hearts, dark or light, so that we can truly be there for one another. We were both terrified and scared. I wish I could have united with her immediately but it was all in the leaving - she had to go, because of her fears and I didn't want her to because of my own. I love her so deeply. She's just beautiful and kind and I feel like my heart is breaking, just with the knowledge that she too is in such pain. We are fine as a couple but I become so petrified of losing her, and she the same way about me. I never knew. I'm glad I do. How else to make it better? But the pain aspect... I would do anything to make it go away for her.

I'm just getting this off my chest. Thanks for listening. Thanks for leaving 5 minutes ago. I needed it.

Hey, just to add on - we did talk about it. We still do, in depth. We will continue to until that pain diminishes into nothing. While we both believe this cannot happen for ourselves we believe it so strongly for one another that things have to work. It's just the pain, it's just knowing she's in it. We talk on the phone and write e-mails all the time. I know she is devastated by the thought of having hurt me, of having caused me pain, and I feel the same. We both recognize that blaming ourselves will get us nowhere, but we're stuck in the 'easier-said-than-done' rut and these fears go so far back. It's going to be a lot of work. The weekend just seems unbearable as I don't get to see her again until Monday.

Thanks to all of you. I wish you could meet her. You can feel her spirit and her energy from across a room. I am still floored that she loves me. I'm just so afraid of so many things and she is as well. For the moment, that makes things seem very, very dark.

We're still very much together. I was sure I'd lose her once we had a major falling-out. That's not what happened. She didn't leave or tell me to shove it when I got angry. She didn't yell or get overly defensive. We see one another's side clearly. It is our own that we both struggle with so much, and the idea that these internal struggles bring us both such individual pain is vicariously overwhelming. I cannot see her until Monday for reasons having nothing to do with this argument/bad day. They don't help either.

I'm sorry. This "add details" thing is getting ridiculous, I know. Sunshine - You are absolutely right. Aunt B., your words are full of wisdom and I'm sorry you've had to go through something so traumatic. Thank you to Twinsma and Kerilyn. We both admit we are wrong; the problem is we need to realize that neither of us is at fault and that is what makes what makes it all so illogical. Kallan, Godless, GorgeousTX, Uhoh, U.P., Hexley, I love you.

(((Meissen)))

ZH- The rejection/validation thing go hand in hand. We can validate one another but it is difficult for us in our everyday lives and the fear sometimes tears us both up. I agree, the rejection aspect is extremely tough. She doesn't give up on me, though, and I would never give up on her. I know she feels the same pain I do. Again, it's just the moments that I hate, the moments I cannot share with her and the thought I cannot hold her when she is in pain.

I love your first statements. My fear of rejection encompasses everyone and everything. It is a basic fear and the anger is directed at myself for needing more reassurance than most. She freely gives it. Her fear hits her in another aspect altogether, but it is basically the same fear. She is just not an angry type. It is really terror that we are emitting, the fear of hurting one another and (for her more because her situation is more complicated than mine) the fear of hurting everyone around us.

Grit, that means everything to me. ♥

Oh, and ZH - Neither of us wants to assign blame or hurt so badly but it's too fresh and we are too accustomed to blaming ourselves. We learn from one another. This does not make the act of forgiving ourselves any easier right now. It is a coping mechanism, a very bad one, we both became accustomed to long before we met. She has taught me so many ways to handle this in every aspect of my life, but some things take a lot of time. I hope I can be brave enough to let go of my own irrational fear just enough to help her through hers. She has done it for me a million times. It's not a matter of wanting to. I want to more than anything. It's the idea of doing something that brings one's phobia to the forefront of his or her mind.

Hex - I had to reread your answer. It helps so very much. Thank you for sharing your kindness and excellent advice with me. I am touched.

Answer 1

Wow, well, does receiving compliments help?... Because that was a pretty ******* powerful way to express yourself, it brought me to tears, which is quite a feat.... (Honestly, I can't remember the last time something did.)

My response would be to recommend just working through things one step at a time and to try to not let anger get the best of you. Supposedly the best way to deal with anger is to think about the arguments you're using to justify anger and to discredit them, and the best way to cope with anxiety is to distract yourself.

Just know you have something beautiful and dwell in that, whether things are going good or bad at the moment... If you do that, and do your best show her how much you appreciate her, things should fix themselves.

Also: You apparently have about 1,000,000,000.5 people here on R&S who love and support you if that helps...

Answer 2

if her worst fear is validation and yours is rejection I dont see how they could come into conflict. But there seems to have been a bit of a problem and you need a solution.
Fortunately in this world what seems complex is easily reduced to very simple processes:
1) anger is a response to an unmet expectation
this one could easily be the source of your current problems. The more basic the expectation the angrier we get. Or the stronger one is attached to the expectation the stronger the anger. Getting validation is pretty basic stuff and so there may be considerable rage going on.
2) blame doesnt ever resolve a problem
if you are intellectually inclined you will agree with this. Honest relationship advice if you two are serious about assigning blame and have conflict in this area it shows an excessive attachment to the past and unresolved past issues. If you are an atheist you should be able to free yourself of this quickly because you only have the very moment you are in. Christians have an infinite future and a past to be accountable for. Atheists only have this very moment.
3) sadly a fear of rejection makes relationships very difficult especially if its a big fear. People will have significant credibility issues with this and thats an up hill battle. The frequent perception is that you will say or do things just to avoid rejection.

sorry about the very long answer I attest and swear this was not cut and pasted from a wiki or the bible.

Answer 3

I don't know how much help I can be, but here goes. First let me say this, when you love somebody you've got nothng but trouble. So you either stiop living them, or you love them a whole lot more. Personally, I opt for the latter, every time. As far as what to do when soemone you love is in pain, there is never a point where there is nothing you can do, becasue the one thing you can ALWAYS do is keep loving them.

You have to remember that pain is how we grow as individuals, how we learn, how we gain strength. The same goes for conflict in relationships. As much as we hate those situations, they are necessary for a reltionship to grow, for the people to learn about each other, and for the relationship to become stronger. It is through that conflict that determins if the relationship will come crashing down like the Colossus at Rhoades, or will stand firm like the Law Rock on Thingveller Plain. Love is a funny thing. You can be screaming at each other today and wondering why you even bother, and tomorrow be back in each others arms knowing that there is no place else in the universe you would ever want to be.

To sum it all up, when someone you love hurts, just keep loving them, no matter what just keep loving them and never stop.

Answer 4

For openers, you might let her read your question. We don't need the details about what the clash was about to realize we have all been through this in one way or another.

This is especially painful for me, because I am still coping with the fact that My Steve committed suicide not long after we had had a pretty nasty argument. I know he had been contemplating it for a long time, and I know, really, that it was not because of this one fight. I even know that one cannot spend a lifetime walking on eggshells, afraid if you say or do the wrong thing, your partner will commit suicide. But the pain, oh, the pain!

You know she loves you, so that's good. Make sure she knows you love her, and make your apologies as necessary. Don't reject it if she wants to apologize, too. After all, even if it was primarily one of you who started the argument, either one can apologize for losing your cool. Do all the hugging and whatever you need to confirm you are still in love with one another, and thank her for being so patient with you.

Then, when all is calm, maybe you can discuss rationally whatever it was that set you off. Be careful about keeping it rational, and face the fact that what is going to be needed is a compromise of some sort. Sometimes a creative solution will present itself which is something neither one of you thought about before. For example, if you argued about whether you should buy X, which she wants, or Y, which you want, perhaps there is a Z which is good for both of you.

Good luck!

Answer 5

I really feel for your situation, and I wish I could offer you both a big strong hug. I know it seems impossible to find a common ground when you both have a soft spot in the same area, however since you both deal with it differently, it may be best just to wait until things cool down. It is never easy to admit we have weaknesses, it definitely makes us feel inferior and somewhat insecure. Whatever the weakness there is a common ground that can be found in love, it just takes time, patience, and understanding.
The wonderful thing is that love is resilliant, and it can be helped. Minor adjustments in your body language, your words too- as it it so hard to take them back. It is imperative to look within yourself and find the time when this fear began, why it began, and then you can begin to heal from it. It is usually something from our childhoods which carries over into adult hood, and most often when in love relationships it is from our parents, and how they interacted...or how they treated us. So simply put, both partners must take the time to find their inner weakness and lets call it an epicenter...then you can both share what you have learned, and try to work on it together.
I have noticed in many relationships that often times it is not our fear of rejection, but our fear of being accepted for who and what we are that makes us unable or unwilling to change. Familiarity of any kind can be tough to break, but so worthwhile.
I am not always able to help the one I love physically through the trauma of pain, but I am always with him in spirit. We are both very strong individuals, very opinionated, spiritual, and very kind. We are willing to support oneanother despite differences, as helping eachother makes us feel more united. I will pray for you, and keep praying, you can do anything together in love.
Blessings

Answer 6

Oh my heart bleeds for you both! I have been there in the early stages of my relationship, and much was said in anger...it took me a long time to forget but i will tell you.... i went to hell and back again with my love and eventually the pain does fade untill you can barely remember it! Many give up because they think the pain wont fade and the damage is irreperable! But for those who hang in there they are rewarded with a relationship that is so strong nothing can affect it ever again!
And you who i know loves this person, with all of your soul, will be able to help your love forget and forgive very quickly.....I do not do many spells but i have a candle spell that i will direct at you both if you wish it but i would need your permission or i could send it to you, just email me!
You will be ok, you have the love needed to get through this!
Blesings!
Ariel
)O(

Answer 7

Why not take her gently by the hand, lead her to the computer and let her read what you just wrote. I have rarely seen anyone express her feelings so clearly and beautifully. And above all, your unconditional love for her is shining through. A letter (or here, a post) is different from talking. Everything is just so much clearer, all the most important things get said. After her reading this, I think you'd both have less to worry about. Hugs from Meekat.

Answer 8

Maybe you should watch more romantic comedies. We love love because that's just the way we're made. Our brains are wired to want to be with someone, I mean we're emotional right? And alot of people who actually do find love are usually happier than people who don't. If you're saying that we're weak, I'm going to assume you meant emotionally weak, but if you think about it, we're also emotionally the strongest, because we are the only species with emotion. Not to be cliched but it's what separates man from the apes.

Answer 9

I don't even know where to start. There's so much I want to say because I've been in similar situations. It's amazing how love is so deep and intense and painful, yet so worth it. Love this deep is . . . well, I have no words for it. Yet I know this situation. It is so familiar.

Should you need someone else to vent to, I'm here for you. Feel free to e-mail at this or my regular account.

There's so much I want to say, but I just feel like hugging you and telling you that you are a good person and that you have something special.

Answer 10

Blaming yourselves won't do any of you good.

Take the time to relax and let things calm down, then have the courage and patiance to talk things out.

Leaving things in the way you're doing will just make things worst, and you'll both find yourselves drifting away from each other more and more.

Talk things out, dear... it'll be the only solution.

I hope you two find peace with each other, and my prayers will be with you both.

Peace.