I am so frustrated, attachment parenting moms help!?

Question

I am a mother of 3 children. My youngest is 15mos. old. She is a lot needier than my other two were, at least that I can remember. (they are 4 and 6). I totally believe in the attachment parenting style and am doing it with her. Lately for some reason I am catching flack from my mother-in-law about how she thinks she is held too much. She isn't totally walking yet and does love me to hold her, however, I don't hold her all the time. I can't with two other kids! I also engage her in activities and she does fine for a while. She just likes me to hold her. She sucks her thumb and holds my hair and everything is wonderful in her little world. Personally I don't think there is anything wrong it. She is my last baby and she won't be little for long. I am so fed up with these unsolicited comments that I just want to cry. Now my husband is making comments too! Does anybody have any encouragement for me? It doesn't help that I have PMS and want to bite someone's head off. Thanks :)

Answer 1

I have two children and another on the way...First and most important remember, your are the mother and you know the best, period. You instinctively do what is best. Your baby child is the youngest and she is bound to get less attention as we only have so much time and energy so maybe she is adapting to her awareness of this? I would not worry about her walking though! I even have read studies that children who walk later are more intelligent! I am not sure if that claim is valid but certainly walking later is not a problem. One of my friends with three just puts her girl down on the floor alot and lets her cry-but I will tell you-she really cries and after many months has not stopped. I don't think that is a problem really either, whatever works for you. The only thing I am concerned about at all is that your husband has jumped on his mother's bandwagon! He needs to stay on your side at all times. This is not a big enough deal to break loyalty with you and I wonder what comes next?? Finally, knowing that this is your last child and that you even seem to enjoy holding her--she will only be little and doing this for about 6 more months (tops!) I would set boundaries-STRONGLY...Say something firm and simple and repeat it over and over whenever a solicited comment from anyone comes your way..."I appreciate your concern for (child's name). Every child is different and this is what works best for us, but thanks!" Once you repeat this three or four times and the commenter see that you are otherwise unaffected by their comments-they will stop. Unfortunately, you need to nip these kinds of comments and concerns in the bud or they will stretch into various other arenas. DO NOT BE AFFECTED by the judgments of others-you are the mommy and your children NEED you to do what is natural and feels good for you and them. Children are not robots and they can't be cookie cutter models to appease the neurosis of well meaning adults.

Answer 2

Don't listen to your mother-in-law. So what if your 15month old isn't walking. She is still within the normal range (which is 10-15months). Besides, I have heard that lots of babies with older and very active siblings walk later because the older kids are too overstimulating or they knock them down or they bring things to the baby eliminating his desire or need to walk. Thumb sucking is very normal and soothing. Holding babies is very important. Most other cultures hold their babies much more than we do. I was reading about one country that doesn't even let the babies touch the ground for the first six months of life and then when the baby is six months old they have a ground touching ceremony. Attachment parenting is all about meeting your child's needs. As for everything else, your child will walk when she is ready, give up the thumb when she is ready (or when she is so busy playing that she needs both hands) and eventually she will be too big for you to hold her all the time. If she is fine then there is nothing wrong with the status quo. Just hold on to these moments and enjoy your happy times together.

Before I had kids I always used to joke that there are so many different experts that say different things that no matter what you want to do, you will find someone that says you are right. What I didn't realize until I had kids of my own is that this also means that no matter what you do you will find experts that say you are wrong. Here is what I say: you know your child best and you are the best person to decide what she needs right now. Go with your instincts.

Answer 3

I have to give you a pat on the back - don't be so hard on yourself! I too spent a lot of time with my youngest daughter -she too was a needy child and I also knew that she would be my last so I enjoyed every minute of it. The only problem this caused (and it really isn't a problem) at 15 1/2 yrs old she is still my baby. I still tuck her in bed and kiss her goodnight everynight that she is home. If she is away from home I get a phone call from her or text messages at bedtime. She turned out to be a wonderful young lady that I am so proud of - Distinguished honor student - squad leader of her trumpet section in the marching band, chamber chior member, star lacrosse player ect - so maybe all that attention that I have given to her over the years has paid off ! She is very well adjusted and is a multi talented kid! She shares everything with me and isn' t afraid to ask me the most intimate questions. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. Just love and enjoy every minute of your childrens lives and let the unsolicited comments go in one ear and out the other! Good Luck!

Answer 4

Your kids are the same age as mine. I really don't have anything to add to the other responses - they all say it pretty well. You ARE doing a great job - you are meeting the needs of all your children and trying to balance them all. You certainly don't want your baby to grow up so fast and then realize that you didn't do all that you could have, should have, would have... You ARE doing it. Your mil isn't your baby's mom - you are and you are doing great! Don't let her get you down. I love the response from the lady who said to sit down and hold her - just the two of you. Doesn't that feel right?

I just wanted you to know there was at least one more person out here cheering you on!

Answer 5

I had the same thing with our youngest of four. He turned 16 months old and off he went, so it didn't last long. But it did drive me crazy during that time. There is nothing wrong with her being attatched, I'm sorry about all the comments. Believe me once she is off and running they will move onto something else... My heart goes out to you it really does. Right now my baby that did this is 10 and I wish he was a little more attatched at the hip! :)

Answer 6

I have 3 children. 8, 4 and 10 months old. I know where you are coming from. Like you said this is your last one. Who cares if you spoil her. Yes spoiling does put a lot of pressure on other people that have to take care of the child, BUT, I bet your the one taking care of all the children the most. We all know in laws and parents all think they know whats best for "Your" children. But you are their parents. You do what you feel is best and just make sure that all of your kids get equal amount of attention. That is the important thing. I hear ya on the PMS thing. Look out....family. Good luck

Answer 7

You are right, she's only going to be little once. Part of her attachment may be that she finds her environment a little more intimidating that the first two did. They did not have two siblings.

Next time someone makes a comment just say, "You're right. But it will all be over once she starts school, anyway...."

As far as husbands comments go, try to establish a routine of dinner, bath and bed for the kids. He is being given the impression that your caretaking of the baby slights him.

So have the house settled by, say, 8:00, have a nice, hot bath, and go curl up next to him with something attractive on and a little makeup.

He shouldn't feel too slighted. Once he realizes you care for the kids, and you care for him, too...he may just end up telling Mama to back off.....after all, it'll all be over once she starts school, anyway.....

Answer 8

I see nothing wrong with you holding her! You seriously need to enjoy it while you can, because your right, she is growing and pretty soon will be too busy to sit in your lap! Love the fact that she wants to be with you so much and take it in as much as you can. These moments you and her are having together are making wonderful memories for you both.

Ideas to keep the unwanted comments away?
While your sitting with her, read her a book! (Especially if your mother-in-law or husband are around.) They can't say anything about that.

I'm laughing to myself b/c I think your mom in law should stay out of it, since when does she have a say? And it sounds like your hubby is just backing her up because he hears about it as much as you.

What you can do is look up some info on the net about babies and the positive effects of them being held and print it out for your husband and mother in law to read.

But mostly, don't worry about them. I'm guessing your a stay at home mom so you know your kids more than anyone. Your reasons are more important than their unwanted advise/comments.

Good luck.

Answer 9

It's easy for other people to have an opinion about what you should do; they aren't doing the job. They may have a significant interest in the out-come, but what's the chance that either of them will step up and take over the full-time mothering of this child? Exactly! Since you have the job, you are the "decider" of what's right for you with your child.

Just be sure that you're not ignoring your own needs in order to meet your daughter's needs. It may be that the un-solicited comments are getting to you because your child's need for attention is exceeding what you can happily give. If so, look for a middle ground where you are providing as much attention as you can gladly give, but not more. Accept your own limitations. Draw the line gently, lovingly, but distinctly so that you can keep your own happiness in tact. Attention given after your own willingness is bankrupt is worth less because children have sensitive antennae. In fact, as I write, it occurs to me that your daughter may be more needy (if she is) because of an uneasy awareness that you are nearing your limits.

You are right that she won't be little for long. I've never heard of a child that was spoiled by too much love and attention. Children are spoiled by lack of consistency and lack of discipline, but not by too much attention! But do take care of her mother!

Answer 10

You know in your heart that if you deny her, it will not stop her need for you, and will in fact create an insecurity. Do what you know you should, hon. You already have 2 children, and you did right by them - you're a pro! Don't let others break you down now!! :)

IMO if she thinks she needs you now, then be there. You know she's not needy 24/7, and you know you'll miss it when she outgrows this stage, as they all do. Truly, follow your own maternal instincts.

After the PMS subsides, talk to your husband and ask for his support, and ask him to speak to your MIL (so you don't tell them both where to stick it, as I probably would!)

Best Wishes-