Do you feel that parents are always parents, even when their kids are adults? Or do you feel that once their kids are adults, their parenting is pretty much over? I'm asking this because I think my mother's parenting skills are going downhill fast. She brushes most issues in her life under the rug, including major issues with my dad (they are still "married"). I feel she is setting a horrible example for my sister and I, and that at least some of my sisters' major marital problems are because of the way my mom is. I am 27, and my husband says I shouldn't see her as such a role model, she's only human, and that my sister is an adult, and can make decisions in her own marriage for herself, and that it's not fair to blame them, even partly, on our mom. My mom also does not make much effort to see her grandchildren, who live 5 miles away, and 30 miles away, yet often makes comments about "how much she misses them"... (my dad makes no effort whatsoever...) Any advice?
2007-06-22 08:21:54 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Wow, New Nana, I'm sorry I upset you so much, that wasn't my intention. Thanks for your input.
2007-06-22 08:53:38 · update #1
Throughout our lives our parents will have an influence on us. In my opinion, parents are parents no matter how old their kids are. I agree with you.
2007-06-22 08:32:31 · answer #1 · answered by LB 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As soon as your baby is born you are a parent for life. I have two grown daughters, one married with children, one single and dating. I still feel like the Mom and they still see me as the Mom. What I don't understand is why you still look to your Mom as a role model ? Yes, she still has an impact on you and you can admire or dislike the things she does but you are all adults with your own lives. You make your own decisions. My daughters and I stay out of each other's personal lives. The more we do that the better our relationship is. I make choices they don't like, and they do the same. But, we have a right to make those choices as long as we are not hurting each other. We all love and support each other, offer opinions when asked or otherwise mind our own business. My grandchildren live only 5 miles away also, I do miss them, but I have a life and I see them as much as time allows. Is she doing the same thing ? Why would Dad not make an effort, not a clue. When my daughter's and I have issues we always try to remember each person does the best they can at any given moment in time, because if they could do better they would. Best of luck to you.
2007-06-30 08:58:14 · answer #2 · answered by wherehaveallthehippiesgone 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can do a couple things.....follow your mother's example or learn from your mother's example. The choice is yours. If you see the mistakes she is making, then surely don't follow them. It's easy to blame the mistakes you make on someone else, but you can do what you know is right too. A parent's parenting should never end, but for some it just seems like they have done their best and don't put as much effort into it anymore. If she chooses not to see her grandchildren, she is the one that is missing out. The kids will make out just fine one way or the other even though most kids benefit from grandparents in their lives. Let your mother live with the decisions she is making. She'll either smarten up or miss out on a lot of family life.
2007-06-22 15:31:26 · answer #3 · answered by Grandma of 2 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You have an awesome husbsand. You should realize you are married and stay that way. Your mom did get her kids raised and now its her life. Is she always gonna get the **** that rolls down hill. You say your sister is married? Did she ask your mom if she had chosen the perfect mate? I bet not. Grow up. I also miss my grand children and I live 5 miles away. I honor the privacy of my grown children that now have their OWN lives. Are you always gonna need someone to blame for your and your sisters problems or are you gonna take some things on yourself?
2007-06-22 15:35:09 · answer #4 · answered by New Nana 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I can only tell you that I am a different mom now than when my daughters were young. What they need from me now deals with the grown up issues of their lives, they can function on their own day to day. For instance, my daughter is trying to get her house fixed up and I am sitting here for her waiting for an electrician to come to do some repairs. I had the time and she is working, so I can help her out that way. I will visit my other daughter away at grad school this weekend and I'm sure that I will do some things for her, but its things I want to do, not that she can't do them.
So my role is the same but different. My personal life, as always, is none of their business but then their personal life is none of my business either. That has changed from childhood of course.
Sounds like you want your mom to be what she was when you were a child, and alot of times we see our moms with blinders on. Your husband is very smart, and he's right. Don't get involved with your mom and sisters issues, its none of your business. And don't make excuses for her with the grandkids. One day she will have no relationship with them, and you can tell her why.
2007-06-22 16:15:29 · answer #5 · answered by tjnstlouismo 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Parents will always be parents, but you don't have to model your life after theirs. Find other friends you and your hubby know and like adopt them as your "model folks". I'm 26 and have the same issue. I'm finding the problem is parents have to parent adults differently than children. If you have to take them on Dr. Phil or try and get therapy with them.
2007-06-28 19:27:43 · answer #6 · answered by Yoshi 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that they are not going to change and you need to accept them for who they are. Then focus on your own immediate family . Listen to your husband and let go of your previous life with your parents. They worked hard and I think their job is over now. I am sorry you arent happy with the situation but they have had their time with you and now its your time to concentrate on doing things with your husband in order to not have any children you may or may not yet have from writing this same kind of letter later in 25 yrs or so!
2007-06-22 15:41:36 · answer #7 · answered by barthebear 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your husband is right, about a lot of things. The thing you should do is live your life with your husband and children and let Mum know that she is welcome to your home to see the children anytime she likes.
Other than that, be a good mom to your children and a good wife to your husband.
2007-06-27 16:42:19 · answer #8 · answered by † Seeker of Truth † 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well i can tell you from my experience when a child (grown one) has kids and they keep them away on periods of time and then sometimes you can't see them because they would rather have the X see them its their wishes then my dear what do you do? well this happened to me and about 4 of them i dont' even know. they are indifferent to me and so therefore i am not visible and their other grandparents are very rich and therefore what ever i give them means nothign to them. its true so oh well i dnt' see them and dont' go around much its their loose not mine.
2007-06-28 22:32:29 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
your family situation sounds very familiar to my own, i love my mom to death, but the truth is as she has gotten older, she has chaged drastically as a person, she is not a bad person, but the way she deals with life, is so not what she taught us. i also dont see her as a role model really, not when it comes to how to deal with life. my sibligs blame her for everything, and are upset that she is not in their childrens life. they all live 4 to 5 hours away. i live 30 miles away from them.
but as for the way my mom has changed, i dont worrie much, i see it, and it saddens me, but ya know my mom had 5 children, she had to be strong for us, and a good role model for us then, but now that her kids are all grown up and she is alone with my dad, i think she has the right to be the kind of person she wants to. i have come to the conclution, than im an adult now, my mom did a great job with me and now its up to me to be the person she tought me to be, and now i have to be a good example for my child and that is my main concern at this time.
but now, as for my parents not coming to see my daughter i have a diff view point,
they live 30 miles away from me, but are in my town almost every day, and i still dont see them, they can last weeks with out coming by to see her, they also say how much they miss her. but last time my mom sd that i sd, you know mom, she misses you too, this is what happeneds you come spend time with her, then you go for weeks, she misses you, cries for you, and when she finaly gets used to not seeeing you, you come by again, and hte whole ugly mess starts over. i told her i was not going to take it anymore you are eightehr part of her life or not, im tiered of hearing my baby cry cuz her gramma dont come and see her. so i laid it all out for her and she had to make the choice, and she did, now she comes every sat for a few hours.
i think you just need to pick and choose your battles with your parents, and appreciate them for everythign htey did for you as a child. and not expect too much from them. they are also imperfect people, just like us. i hope my experience has helped you out some. hugs
2007-06-23 13:09:41 · answer #10 · answered by Boostitch 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋