How do you deal with your husband who has been mean then he changes and expects you to be all lovey dovey?

Question

I have been married for about 13 years. My husband was very verbally abusive and sometimes physically and always emotinally. He has recently started tring to be nice because he is now disabled. He gets upset that I am not more loving toward him. How do I get over the past and try and be more loving?

Answer 1

From your question it sounds as if he has changed since his diability began and it is possible that what ever has brought on this disability has opened his eyes to what he has and that is a loving wife, then again he could be afraid now that he is disabled that you are his only crutch and feels that he has to keep you. But I am curious in your question you say he is trying to be nice? If he is still being abrusive he isnt trying hard enough and verbal is bad enough, but physical it should only take one hit and you should be out of his life. No man who truley loves a woman would ever hit her. Since you have tolerated his actions for so long. I would say stick it out for a lil longer and see if he puts a 110% into changing, if he doesnt find someone who will love and treat you like a lady. And if he does care he will understand the pressure he has put on you with the abuse and will be willing to wait for you to open up and be more loving as long as you have been waiting for him to change...Good Luck!!

Answer 2

With all due respect, you should never have stayed with him in the first place. Once an abuser always an abuser. I don't blame you for not being more loving. Next time he complains, ask him if he would still be nice if he wasn't disabled and why are you expected to carry on as though his actions are okay? Don't let him get the better of you. Tell him that after all he's put you through, he can't expect sympathy or adoration. Tell him that you're staying with him because of the vow you took 13 years ago, not because he deserves it. I know it sounds harsh, but he doesn't get absolution just because he's disabled. Maybe then he'll learn to appreciate you, and the things that you do for him.

Answer 3

I was in an abusive relationship for five years. He was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive as well. I went through hell... it still haunts me when I think about it and that relationship ended over 5 years ago. I truly believe when someone does that type of emotional damage to you, you will always have resentment towards them. I also think that love doesn't equal abuse. How can you be loving towards someone who is only loving towards you when they want something in return (like sex)? I always felt used when it came to sex with my ex because the sex was never about me. It was always about him and how he felt. He never valued me in any way... and there is nothing sexy about a man that is a selfish lover in addition to all the other horrible things he puts you through. If I were you, I would examine your relationship and ask yourself why you have stayed with him for so many years? You say, in the question you wrote that he is only being nice because he is now disabled... again, he is only being nice to satisfy his own needs. He isn't doing it for you. I would bet he never will. If I were you, I would tell him to take care of himself (if you know what I mean)... he seems to in every other way... !

I know from experience that a past like that is hard to get over... the only way to do it is to finally LOVE yourself. Once you do, you will find him even more repulsive... and hopefully, never let him or anyone else abuse you ever again.

You deserve love and happiness... don't let anyone keep you from it : )

Answer 4

You have to tell him how he made you feel in the past.Tell him that you are having a hard time forgiving him because of the way he has treated you in the past.Let him know that you are no longer willing to accept his past behavior,and that you do not fully trust that he has changed.Tell him that he has to prove to you that he has changed.Let him know that it is going to take time for you to come around.I know it is very hard to try,and be loving toward someone that has been an *** towards you.If he has truley changed you will see this,and eventually forgive him.

Answer 5

It is a personal choice decision and you have to decide if you want to stay with him or not just because the tides have turned for him and he is no longer in the driver's seat.

If you truly can't forgive him and move on, then it is time to move on as you will only resent being stuck with him after he has not treated you right and it will bring both of you down. It is your choice and your decision and you need to make it conciously and let him know what your expections now of him are.

Answer 6

Be honest and open with him and then.....try to move on.
If you are planning on staying married to him, wouldnt it be nice if you both could love one another and have a happy life.

This may have been a rude awakening for him....however why not be grateful and move forward....or move forward with out him.

I'm not saying to forget your past however I am saying to forgive it.

best wishes

Answer 7

I am wondering why you hung in there for all this time. You are asking how you change yourself? The answer is by getting him into counseling with you to express to him how much he has hurt you.

Answer 8

I don't think you'd have to explain to him the natural causes of verbal abuse. I think he knows what he's done.

Be yourself and let nature take its course.

Answer 9

That's going to be really hard to do...You will never get out of your head what he has done to you...Heck i would boot him out....But if you want to stay, it will take time till you even believe he is sincere....

Answer 10

Tell him you will be more accepting of the "new" him when the "old" him has had some extensive counselling.