Becoming a good mother?

Question

I have an 8wk old. I love and adore her but some days i find it hard to cope with her. There are days when we are fine and everything is wonderful. Somedays - like today, i feel so overwhelmed and inadequate as a parent. She cries and cries and all i want is for her to shut up! Today she cried almost constantly and i couldn't soothe her so i ended up crying with her. She's screaming and i'm sitting with her crying - pathetic right? But i can't bring myself to talk to my family about it. They ask how i am and i say fine - i'm fine, baby is fine, everything is fine... yet five mins prior both of us are sitting there crying. But i can't confess that to them.

I feel like such a failure - i mean i am her mother i should be able to cope with her. And sometimes i can't and i don't know what to do about it. I can't even motivate myself to clean today. Everything is a mess and i can't deal with any of it. I don't know what to do.

I feel awful that i'm such a bad mother, how do i fix it?

Answer 1

I just read " Happiest Baby on the Block".
I suggest you get this book, it will teach you how to calm a "colicky baby". In short it's theory is that a baby is born too soon. A baby needs to be nurtured for the first 3 months like it's still in the womb. Babies this age need too be swaddled,shhhed(in there ear loudly),swingging,sucking,put on there side(when awake).
Of course, you are also going through hormonal changes, which could be the cause of your depression. 40% of mothers will have some sort of post pardum depression. Talk to your Dr. and see if you can find something that will help.
If you can try and get a little sun in the day. The vitamin D from the sun helps when I feel down.
Hope you feel better soon!

Answer 2

There is a process of becoming a mother that takes time. You have recently experienced pain and anxiety and hormonal changes and phyical body changes.. It is within the normal life of a new mom to feel overwhelmed. Do not feel like you are bad because of tears.
I would encourage you to accept help from family!! If they are your MOm or Grandma or aunt they might remember the moments you describe and want to give you an opportunity to let them help! A would recommend a few hours to get out of the house or go for a walk or just get some well deserved sleep. If you can have a sister or mothers helper come over and be with you to keep an eye on baby for naptime so
You might try some calming music or some hot tea or cocoa to try and calm yourself, Maybe a warm bath, a mask or moisturizer for feet or face or hair..but I think to be able to get out of the house weekly at least for a couple hours is necessary. If you have been offered free loving baby sitting it should never be refused nor abused make you you thank them and let them know how much you needed it. It is not a bad mother who asks for an hour or two once a week.
On the How to quiet the baby, it takes time to understand that. just observe a mom to see what they do maybe even jot down a note to remind you if you ever get in that situation again. Also when you go for your check-up if you havent already ask the Pediatrician for the Best advice they give to new moms in such situations. When I was a new mom I think I called the Doctors office and talked to the nurses most every other day. Got some great advice about what was needing medical attention and what was just learning to understand each other.
I highly reccomend a book called "my first 300 Babies" try your library, a used book store or maybe ebay but it is the best new born to age 2 scheduling and understanding how to manage newborns by a Nurse who worked hospitals and then in home care for new borns. I think the author is Gladys Hendrick check it out! and you can learn.. many many people have!

Answer 3

Take your baby outside and walk with her even if it's just in your own back yard. Point out new sounds and talk in a soothing voice.

I personally don't advocate letting your baby just cry in her crib unless you just have no alternative and need to take a shower. I tried to put my baby down and cry my eyes out and then go back and get the baby it only made things worse. I cried more the baby cried more and then we were both on the verge of just being hysterical.

Are you nursing? La Leche League has groups meeting everywhere so maybe there is one near you.

Go out to the park, early morning or evening after dinner and find other moms there also, talk with them, you not only need to care for your baby but you probably need to remember what it's like to speak to someone who can actually respond in a coherent manner. Whlie at the park have your baby facing the playground,this will help distract her.

Accept help from family and friends. Do any other friends have babies or kids? Call them and let them know that you need someone to listen to you for a while. even if you pick up the phone to call and all you can get to say is "can you come over I just need to talk to someone? don't worry about the house, the cleaning will come it will work it's way back into your schedule. When your friend/family arrives and they offer to do the dishes while you both talk or they hold the baby while you do the dishses and talk it will be good therapy for you.

Do you belong to a church? Check and see if they have a Mom's of Preschoolers group "MOPS" and ask when they meet. Even if you don't belong, many groups are very welcoming of new moms.

You are going through a big adjustment period, your body is trying to get back on track and you're speaking baby talk Most of the day. Your world literally changed over night, you really need the support of other moms who have also been in your shoes. I hope these suggestions help and that you realize you are a good mom your care and concern for both of you shows that.

I'm the mom of 5, I've been there done that too.

Answer 4

First of all, it sounds like you are a very normal mother, and I'm sure a wonderful mother. Secondly, 8 weeks is not very long at all. Your hormones are still wacky, your body is going through major changes, and I'm sure you're not getting lots of sleep. Now, the other major issue to be aware of is post-partum depression. It's very normal and lots of women experience it. I suffered from post-partum depression for almost a year. If you keep having overwhelming feelings of sadness or depression, or uncontrollable crying, talk to your Dr. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Your family is asking how you are doing because they love you. Of course you love your daughter, and she's wonderful, but you need a break. Next time they ask, say that you could use even an hour or two for yourself. Also know, that in those times when your daughter is crying, the best thing you can do for her, assuming she's not hungry, diaper changed, not sick, is put her in her crib. She'll be o.k. let her cry, take a hot shower or bath. Relax. Babies are amazingly sensitive little things, they pick up on our stress and response. It's better to let her cry than to lose it yourself. As for cleaning, give yourself a break, and again, tell your family what you need, if you need a little help with a meal or two, or some laundry, people want to help. I've been where you are-it gets better. Please feel free to email me anytime.

Answer 5

You are being too hard on your self. I was diagnosed with Post - natal depression, once you receive professional help you will see that life will get easier. I can see that you are a good mother as you are recognising something is not right and wanting help/advice. Post natal depression is not a bad thing nor does it suggest that you have failed at motherhood, you have shown the opposite by wanting help. I was diagnosed only one month ago and already i feel fantastic, and i can cope alot, alot better as well. (i think that i too was too hard on myself to be that "perfect" mother/wife, no such thing. I now take the time to enjoy my baby, give him a long bath or massage him when he cries, and sit there and just hold him until he settles and if this means that my house is dirty for a day or two or if diner isn't cooked then tough because we too are human and cannot juggle everything at once.)

Answer 6

You are NOT a bad mother. This is NORMAL. You are NOT a failure. We all go through this. My husband came home one day to find me sitting on the floor sobbing with our baby crying in my arms, surrounded by broken glass (I had tossed a book toward the bookcase and knocked a picture off).

Things to do:
1. When you just can't take it, put her in her crib and walk away. Crying won't hurt her any, and you need a breather to deal with it when she just won't stop. Go sit on the front step and breathe slowly and deeply until you feel calmer. Or go in the bathroom and cry your eyes out until you feel calmer.
2. Go see your doctor. You may have postpartum depression. That is NOT a reflection on you - think about it - for 9 months your hormones were freaked out, and now they are trying to return to normal (it takes a while). On top of that you have gone through a major life change, you aren't sleeping, and it's hard to adjust to being a parent. I should have gone to the doctor, but instead stupidly suffered through months of feeling like a failure and unable to get anything done. The house was a wreck, I was a wreck, and my family paid the price. The doctor can give you something to help your freaked-out body chemistry come back into sync and you will be able to cope better. Please don't make my mistake - get some help.

Answer 7

Well you are taking the first step to tell people about it. That's great. First of all, I think your baby might have colic, just like mine had. 21 years ago. She would cry and cry and I would feel powerless to make her stop. I did a little research on colic and realized I wasn't alone. I found if I put her in a Snuggly and she was resting on my chest, I would just go out for a walk with her. She would cry a bit, but since I was outside it wasn't as disturbing and with all the rocking motion from walking she would finally stop crying and fall asleep. As for you own crying, your hormones are changing still and that could explain it. I used to cry alot. It's a big change for your body and a huge change in lifestyle. You'll survive and you'll become an amazing Mom.Join a Mom and Tots group where you can meet other mothers and share your experience and learn from theirs. If you find you are still crying and you feel depressed, please talk to your doctor and make sure you're not suffering from post-partum depression! Don't be hard on yourself about cleaning! You need your rest at this time. No doubt you are in need of sleep. When your child is napping, there's nothing wrong with you taking a little nap too.

You'll be fine and your babies colic will disappear very soon.

Answer 8

my baby is just a little older than yours. the reason they cry at this age is they need something. they want more milk when they are going through growth spurts so maybe you can try that even if you just fed her.
You should ask your family for help, they've got to understand.
Have a mobile that plays music for your baby to look at, music eases a baby. I also like to play music and sing and hold my baby while I dance.
Know that your baby is going to pick up on your mood, try and be happy. Smile at her as much as you can. She will laugh with you sometimes too pretty soon and that is always a mood lifter for both of you! You'll notice that your baby is mimicking facial expressions you make. You want to have a happy baby I know this. Being a mom is hard, and all moms know that, know that you aren't the only one who has been stressed out--but you got to be strong, know that if it gets hard and you get stressed, but just call a friend or family member to come over. Everyone loves a baby and someone I'm sure will be willing to help you out at times.
Keep your head up, and enjoy that little one!!

Answer 9

Do u know what I used to be the same way I would cry and cry then the phone would ring I would put on my happy voice and everyone thought I was fine aswell. I used to cry for no reason once I cried because my husband was over the road playing volley ball with our neighbours (like really) It is all your hormones remember we dont really get PMT while pregnant so it all happens afterwards.
You sound like a great Mum because you were trying to comfort your little baby, but she can feel your vibes and if you are upset she will be too.
Could you be depressed I would see the doctor to rule that out. But you are completley normal sweety.
Good Luck

Answer 10

post pardom, ull b ok dont worry!! ur not a bad mom everyone has those days u cant expect it to b fun all the time that jus isnt what being a mother is about. Talk to ur dr mabey she could help and stop putting on such a tough face with ur family it could help alot to talk to someone about it other than us im sure ull get some good advice from them. GOOD LUCK ive been there done that so i know how ur fealing but it will ok ur a good mom im sure.