Advice from an adult please....?

Question

I know I need to move on, I know I can do better. I dont understand why Im acting like this. We were together for 4 years, he was a selfish jerk through all of it and I was still there for him. I still cant explain why I cared so much about him..he didnt deserve it. I dont know what to do and my brain is playing games with me. Seriously...I dont think about him at all for awhile and then I have a sudden urge to know whats going on with him. Hes not worth the time, so why do I keep doing this to myself?? Its been a little over a year now and what really pisses me off is that it wasnt quite this bad after we broke up!! I have always thought that my heart is just disappointed because I put everything I had and then some into our relationship, and Im not emotionally content. I have been having the same dreams about him being a caring, loving and thoughful person....even though it was not like that at all. I was in denial for a long time. Ive tried moving on but I compare new to old

Answer 1

No one likes to admit a loss...or a failure...or a mistake. That might be part of it. You could be hanging on to the dream that you wanted because you somehow equate the breakup as partly your fault. You aren't so much still attached to him as you are to the desire to be with someone, and he was the last long-term relationship that you had. As bad as it was, it was still with someone. And, that added some value to your life for 4 years.

I think you gave up too much of yourself for him and now you are trying to get it back by continually revisiting the past. But, that's an illusion. First, you didn't give up anything that you don't still have, and, second, you won't find anything back there anyway. Those are stupid, romantic notions that simply aren't true.

Reinvent yourself. Collect what you are and what you want to be, tie a new bow around it, and present yourself as a new woman (actually the old woman, before you met what's-his-name and suppressed it).

It's a new day, girl, and you need to live it. Stop comparing "new to old". That's an exercise in futility. If you want to compare something, imagine who you were and what made you happy before this relationship. Get back to the future, so to speak, and start moving FORWARD.

Answer 2

I was with the same kind of guy for 10 years and from what I know you never really stop wondering about them. But in time you will stop caring how they are. And it's ok to compare old to new, lord knows you don't want to repeat old mistakes over and over. One day you'll wake up and realize that person is the past and you are SOOO much happier without them. It is sad to put so much effort into something , it feels like wasted time and energy, but you'll always know you did everything you could so there are no regrets, that person was not the right person and now you know , so next time it wont take 4 years , and one day you'll find the right person (like I did ) and all of this pain and sadness will seem so distant and so unreal. Hang in there. This too shall pass.

Answer 3

Wow, first off i'm sooo sorry. i know how tough it can be. i have also given my all my heart and soul and everything i have into a relationship in which neither of us deserved. i loved him so much and yet knew he was bad for me and i could do better. And it is hard. Time really does help heal though it sucks to wait it out. In the meantime, i've found that continuing on with your life and possibly finding someone new can help to heal a broken heart. You won't be thinking and obsessing over him anymore. Plus you'll see what you were lacking in your relationship with him. You'll be able to see what a healthy relationship is SUPPOSED to be..
♥♥♥good luck♥♥♥

Answer 4

I know what you are going thru. I was with my ex for 4 yrs and dealth with a lot of different things. After we spit I find myself talking to him online from time to time to keep tabs on him. Although I have moved on and am married to a wonderful man that loves me whole- heartedly I still talk to my ex. There are times that I find myself comparing the two. It's a bad habit but I am working on it. It will take a while to stop the comparing the old to the new. I wish you the best of luck hon.

Answer 5

I was in that sort of relationship for 4years and it took me at least 2 to stop thinking about him all the time. Now since he still contacts me and he's been married for 2years (and cheated on his wife all along), I have the pleasure of knowing I did the right thing. Your ex is not a nice guy and he treated you like a dog. Keep moving forward, I promise one day you will wake up and it will all be gone. If you aren't busy all the time, get busy. Its what saved me.

Answer 6

Your likely it only 4 years. I be married 22 years in August, My wife and I sleep in separate bedrooms for the past year, she seeing someone else. I have always thought marriage is forever. My wife is physical disable, yet I was supporting her until she start seeing someone else, and asked me what part i did not understand that we are done. It felt like my heart was ripped out and stomp on. I have a big void in my hearth. I'm sorry, if you love him go for counseling before its too late. If you don't want to work things out, then stop it asap. don't waste your life, like I did. good luck, hope things work out for you.

Answer 7

Many people experience what you are going through. Have you thought of finding a support group in your area or talking to a counselor? It may help you to be able to talk through the issue.
I suggest journaling your thoughts as a way to help.

I am going to star this so some of my friends that have been through this can offer advice.

Answer 8

You still aren't seeing him for what he is. You are still holding on to what you 'want' him to be. Until you let that go, you will never get over him. You deserve better, give others and a chance.

Answer 9

Sorry to hear about your pain. Every time a thought about him pops into your head, think about something else. It could be a positive image or a phrase, anything to get your mind off its track.