Women..why do we put up with so much s**t from the men who vowed to love us?

Question

After 8 years of marriage, you'd think a man would have matured and come to understand marriage. Every year for special occassions,i.e. birthdays,valentines,christmas and anniversary, I have gotten my husband gift after gift..Great ones by the way. I have yet to get anything. I don't ask him what he wants..I know him well enough to get things he has always wanted or frequently talks about. Another issue is..we have 3 kids and 1 on the way...I work from home(really I do) and he works full time too. When he comes home he's too tired to do anything with his kids, but when the guys call..he's quick to hit the streets. He has constant female friends on the side...but if I even mention a guy from the store making conversation...he's quick to call names and make an issue of it....What is the deal?

Answer 1

Oh, girl . . . I soooo agree! It's a common misconception that just b/c you work from home, you're lying around lazy all day. I was a SAHM for 2 and a half years . . . most difficult/tolling, but most rewarding job ever!

About his being too tired to be with the fam, but being energized to go out with the guys . . . give him a taste of his own medicine. Next Friday, make plans with some girlfriends. HE can stay home with the kids.

He's obviously got some jealousy issues, but you need to let him know he can't have his cake and eat it too. Sure, he can have girl friends, but that also means you can have boy friends. What's fair is fair.

Now to address the most troubing (IMO) part of your post . . . about the gifts. I know what you mean. I'm always the one giving the thoughtful gifts. They're always personal and meaningful, not something that I just picked up at the last minute. I guess I'm a total romantic. Is it so wrong to expect the same in return? I don't think so. You would think that after so long, they'd get the clue, right? He hasn't bought you ANY gifts???? That's what I'm getting and if that's true, you've got bigger fish to fry. Stop getting him things . . . he'll notice. Or better yet, get him things that you know will make him think (like a flathead screwdriver when you know he already has 3.) You've got to get his attention somehow.

I guess you have a choice . . . you can either play these games or just tell him how you feel. Why haven't you done the latter?

Answer 2

You ask a very complicated question. The marriage ceremony can be done in any way by anyone. You can "marry" your vibrator if all you want is to alleviate guilt about having sex outside marriage. Marriage, traditionally, is a contract not only between a husband and wife, but is also a contract with society and in some cultures, with God. It is a contract made to assure that the parties take responsibility for the fruits of their relationship and don't leave society holding the bag, so to speak. Marriage was never intended to make anyone love someone else more or signify love for one another. It is a legal committment to a relationship. We have to consider what benefits being married have over not being married. Since marriage has historically and traditionally been a contract between a man and a woman, Why not have a special contract between two people of the same sex and call it something besides marriage so that the two, which are different in many ways, do not become confused. Judgements relative to one could set legal presidents that would not be appropriate for the other. Any time we attempt to change cultural institutions we are inviting opposition of great proportions. So why mess with someone else's institutions? Why not start a new one? Call it what it is. If it is honorable it wont need to be attached to or called by the same name as one that is already accepted and revered. Old Pablo

Answer 3

Well, as far as the gift giving....start dropping hints. leave cut out pictures of what you desire on the frig or the bathroom mirror to see if he gets the hint. Unfortunately, some men are just that oblivious...

Now, on the otherhand, it sounds like your husband is a control freak (can be very dangerous)... if he splits every time the guys call (if its the guys actually calling) then he's got to get his priorities in order. Start spending some time w/ your girlfriends (good support network) & let him stay at home w/ the kids. if he does no want to watch his own kids make babysitting arrangements. let him know that you'd like to spend some time w/ the girls too, but don't be nasty about it. You are simply confirming with yourself and him that you have a life outside of being just a wife and mother...you're a woman and have friends too.

There also might be the slight possibility that he might be flirting w/ danger (other women when he's out w/ "the boys") or on the verge (if not already) doing something he shouldn't be doing.

See if he's open to counseling...tell him that you desire to have a the best marriage ever and counseling or a couples retreat might be in order, to achieve such a wounderful goal... If he barks at the idea...then you really need to examine your marriage and yourself. You deserve to be in a happy fulfilling marriage...not a slave to be taken for granted. Seek pastoral counseling if you attend church regularly.

Marriage is tough, but at the same time worthwhile when two people are on the same page.

Answer 4

You know what the deal is your just not ready to deal with it yet. If he wasn't doing anything wrong with his female friends he wouldn't have a problem with you having male friends. But sense he does it's telling you he is afraid you will do the same thing he is with his female friends. This is cheating 101
right out of the texts. I have read book after book on the subject of cheating husbands and he is right up there with the class 1 cheaters. I no you think you no your husband and you also think or no he would never do that to you,well do you no how many times i have heard that one. Unless you are in the very small 5% of husbands who don't cheat your husband has been lying to you.

Answer 5

Sounds like to me He ,s tired of you and the children, But knows you are going to put up with His crap , because you are.He wants out but why leave when He has his cake and ice cream too. The only reason He stays is because He knows you could live better and He would have nothing because the courts would take it. The day he chose to have other girls own the side the day His A-- would be own the road. And He is the one who has chose to set the Family aside so divorce His A-- and turn Him into a man...I don't put up with no crap because when 2 people marry and keep having children,all this crap you are describing stops and it becomes Family time not everybody else,s time. You married a boy, not a man because a good man don't act like this...This is funny to me Because I would of done sent His A-- down the road and Find me a Man And Good men are out their...Kid you not...Quit putting up with every wrong thing he dose and start telling Him to leave and tell Him you are going to get child support and you will be fine until you remarry because of those minor children put the fear of God in Him and quit putting up with the Shi---What ever he pitches to you pitch it right back someone has to stand up and make a good decision for your children, because they are a product of what they are raised in, God,s Speed to you...

Answer 6

Cant give you much advise- id sit him down and tell him straight out what he does or rather doesn't do. if he doesn't like it or doesn't change id seriously think something was off. Ive been married for 8 years and been with him for 14 years we have 3 kids, i work 4 nights a week 10pm-7am, my hubby drops the 2 boys at school and my daughter at my sister in laws so i can sleep through the day, he picks the kids up 9 times out of 10 if his still at work he cant and will ring me to let me know, after we have tea on the nights i work i go back to bed and have a nap while he will do the dishes, bath kids put them to bed etc. BUT he wasn't always like that i sat him down about 9 years ago and told him he did jack s@*t with the kids and he'd better pull his finger out and help out more, well he did so its really good now- I'm lucky. BUT YOU HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING NOW!!!!! good luck :)

Answer 7

Well I am 17 years old. Graduated and am happily engaged. plan on getting married 3 days after i turn 18. i had asked a Q for all the viewers, is 17 too young to marry? and now i see that it can bee too young. so you helped me. i dont wanna be in that kind of situation so actually u helped me out. anyways No woman deserves to be treated that way. NO WOMAN. you need to stand your ground with him and let him know whos boss. let me know how eveythng works out for you!--Kalie

Answer 8

sounds like hes a jerk.
no seriously, men are different from women, they need down time and the way they get that is by shutting their brains off with video games, computer games, hanging with the friends
obviously he doesnt value you much because he probably sees you as this woman tied down with 3 kids 1 on the way, your not going anywhere
trust me im like you i got 3 kids and 1 on the way, the difference is i let my husband know not to mess with me, because i would rather eat my last piece of cheese and go hungry than be put through s**t

Answer 9

Believe it or not there are some good men out there! I think yours is one that has a very comfortable home life but can still go out whenever & wherever he likes. Wants the best of both worlds and gets it! Don't like your chances of changing him!
Good Luck~~~

Answer 10

Things don't automatically change by themselves.....your husband has to want to have a good marriage.

You should decide how long you're willing to put up with being treated like this.

Get some counseling for yourself.