Should I leave this relationship due to hiding pornography?

Question

My fiance has been hiding porn movies & magazines from me. I confronted him again just recently and he made me believe he threw them out. I actually found them he hid them in a different spot! we just got engaged this year and now I feel betrayed and hurt..confused! I thanked him for throwing them away as he held my hand and said not a problem babe.so i thought they were gone and i found them again. I dont know if Ishould just break off this engagement as I cant deal with my man hiding something like this. He has stopped during sex and asked to put a movie in so of course I say yes and didnt really want to but didnt want to start an arguement. He use to have sex with me often and its now maybe 1x a week or 2wks or 3wks sometimes so I feel he would rather have that than me.
I never tell him no as I love him and am in love with him however him hiding this is causing me to not feel the same in my heart and it scares me.

By the way I do have sexy lingerie and have put it on only to have him barely notice as he is fixed on XBOX games.
I told him it makes me uncomfortable he says its for the sounds but the magazine has no sounds. I did buy a maxum subcription for him and have no problem with Playboy however the one he has is very graphic and he says his friend gave him the one and another friend gave him the other. I seen the receipt for the one soo he wasnt truthful about where they came from, they are always asian girls too. I am a very open minded person and have watched them with him however he just wants to be at the back and in 5 min its over so I feel used.

I have talked with tears in my eyes about my past and how these movies make me feel....thats when he led me to believe he threw them out. I said thank you for throwing out the movies and he said not a problem so I find the same exact ones hidden the next day.

Answer 1

Some men have an addiction to that sort of thing.

But since you've asked him to throw them out, and he lied and said he would, then I think you need to re-evaluate your relationship together.

If he's lying about something as simple as having porn around still, what else could he lie about later on? Discuss with him how it makes you feel, and that you don't want him to have that sort of thing around because you're not comfortable with it. (Believe me, a lot of women aren't!) If he can't get rid of it, realize that this is what you'll have to put up with from there on out, and think about if this is something you'll want to fight about "til death do you part".

Answer 2

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Answer 3

I think this is a problem in so many marriages these days. With the internet, everything is right at your fingertips. Porn comes between many men and women because they can't seem to reach a compromise or comfort zone for both people. Watching porn occasionally or having a magazine or 2 around I think is probably the norm for most men. If he has cabinets full of videos and magazines and watches them daily, I'd say he has a problem and is addicted. If he has chosen it over you, he has a serious problem and needs counseling. You have to decide how much you are willing to live with and tell him. A relationship is between 2 people and sometimes we have to give something up for the other one and to hold things together. If he's not willing to change, then move on with your life. Don't waste your life living someone else's. Good luck.

Answer 4

Maybe you need to put serious consideration into why he is reading these mags. Another thing is asian girls are often hairless have you tried that idea?! An idea might be to get both a little inebriated and try having a discussion about the issues in the bedroom maybe with a little liquid courage you will be more receptive if he does suggest a few things. The main thing is be open minded and you have to COMMUNICATE! I say this after years of ho hum bedroom experience. Eventually I was in a relationship where I was comfortable enough with myself that I was able to ask questions and show what made me happy and was genuinely interested in what made him happy.

Yes I am female and yes I shave. It used to bother me but it genuinely makes him happy so why would i not do what pleases him if I have no real valid issues with shaving. If you do I recommend the Mach 3 (for men) with a bottle of conditioner it works wonders

Answer 5

First, what is your problem with pornography?

Are you insecure? Because if that's what you're worried about, calm down. Your fiance doesn't love you any less because he watches porn. His desire for you isn't any less either.

Honestly, I had this problem with an ex a while back (don't worry, we broke up for different reasons). Basically, she was really insecure about a lot of things. I wasn't allowed to watch certain tv shows that had an attractive girl as a star because she was so insecure. To be honest, all that did was push me away.

My advice, embrace it for the short term. I know you don't like it, but he does, and honestly, is porn worth breaking up with someone you want to marry? I'd hope not. Be fair, because this is probably something he's been doing for years... long before you probably even came into the picture.

Just calm down. The most attractive thing about a female is how she carries herself. Confidence hides flaws better than any makeup ever could.

Answer 6

Been there.

It will ALWAYS be an issue. He will always try to hide porn, and you will always be hurt by it.

Now...can you live with that?

That's really the only question. Neither one of you are going to change your view points on this one.

However, as he gets older and matures, he may begin to appreciate what is real instead of trying to live in the fantasy. It's up to you whether you want to wait around for that to happen.

Don't just end the relationship. Talk to him. Tell him this is a deal breaker (if it is). Keep in mind, though, that if he really wants to have his cake and eat it too...he'll just find better places to hide his stash.

Another idea....and try this one slowly...is to just accept the porn. Make a "porn drawer" where he can keep it. He MAY back off if it isn't so taboo.

My man and I some times have issues with this, but the nice thing is that we're BOTH trying to accept the other and to respect each other's feelings and boundaries.

Good luck!

Answer 7

First off, tell him how the porn makes you feel. Is it issue of him looking at other girls, does it make you feel inadequate, is it jealously, does it make you feel bad about your body? Giving him these answers are going to make him take you more seriously and see that he could be hurting you and that you're not just against porn.

Guys are visual creatures and look at porn for stimulation, not because you're not good enough. I'm all about watching porn with my guy, but *I* get to pick the porn. I go for older porn with story lines instead of the girls gone wild flicks that are made just for guys. He may not be having sex with youas often because he feels shameful or unable to ask you something he'd like to try. Be open to new ideas!

Be willing to work with him and he'll be willing to work with you. Be honest and sincere and don't make him feel ashamed of something he enjoys, it will encourage him to continue hiding things from you. If you show that you're willing to take part in his fantasies or hobbies, your relationship will be a close and trusting one.

Best of luck!

Answer 8

Sounds like there's issues on both sides. You hate pornography, making it seem like this HUGE shame on him. And yet, he sounds like he might have a pornography addiction because he wants to have sex with you while watching porn.

Personally, I think pornography, as long as it isn't some snuff film or stabbing little puppies in high heels porn, can be a good tool for erotic fun for a couple. Just because he watches doesn't mean you're not number one.

Try to relax with the porn thing. The only couple I know with a porn hating wife, now has a husband who's cheating on her with other women and trying to get me to let him watch the porn I have in my house.

But if it's such a heated topic and you're snooping, that's not a good sign.

Answer 9

If this makes you this uncomfortable than you should definitly think twice before going forward. there are two issues here first you brought up something that bothered you and your fiance lied to you to appease you. The other issue is he doesn't respect you. If you want a man who will allow you to be his fantasy women and not fake mag chicks then you need to look somewhere else becuase he doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong with it. I think he was totally disrespectful to lie about it if he has an issue and is honest that's one thing but to act like all is good and keep doing it is totally a betrayal.

Answer 10

honestly get out now.he is hiding something more than the porn.i know from personal experience it will not get better.he will be less able to perform as a man because of his porn addictions.the movies and magazines are just part of his little fantasy world.the Internet is full of porn sites and chat rooms.forget him and find a real man who doesn't have to lead a double life.good luck honey,you deserve better.