i need some advice to get rid of my guilt ?

Question

i am happily married now, and me and my husband adore eachother.
some years back i was in love with a guy and it had been going on for 5 years. he was a great guy and we were planning to get married.
then suddenly he died in an accident. it totally shattered me but i managed to get over it, or atleast i thought i had.
i married because of my parents and never thought that i would fall in love with my husband or that ill be this happy.
its kind of making me feel guilty that i have this life and the guy died so young without enjoying anything in his life.
my husband has no idea about this and i have no plans to tell him. he is happy and i want to keep it that way.
please tell me how to get rid of this guilt.
thank you.

i mean do you think this is fair ? i know i am talking crazy. i know i am not guilty, but i feel guilty anyways. will prayer help ?

i have to say i wish to be with no one esle but with my husband right now. i dont wish that he be alive now and be with me. i just wish he had not died.

Answer 1

I lost my bf to a heart attack. I found him dead in bed one morning. His wife had cheated on him, again and again (I think that he had caught her seven times before he threw her out). He finally had started to move on, and was getting on with his life when he died.
I had a lot of trouble letting go of that. I put all of his things away, and kept them all these years. I finally bought a journal, and wrote and wrote and wrote until I got it all out of my system. I put it all on paper, all of it, and that seemed to ease my mind so that I could move on.
I put the journal away, and I still have it. I haven't felt the need to open it again, not yet, but I have it if I do.
Just a thought.....good luck!!

Answer 2

My husband died at age 40, he left a 10 year old boy behind.
When we lose a signifant other we often do put them on a pedestal and make then almost holy. I know a lot of people who did put their lost signifant other on a pedestal without realizing it and then felt guilty because they are still there and happy again.

The grieving process is shock, anger, acceptance. So when you look at that, there might be a possibility that you still feel guilty because you never really went through all the phases of griev. In that case you might want to consider counseling or just talking with others who went through a similar experience.
I went through it on my own by coming to terms with the facts(that he died and left me to raise our child) and by accepting that. That took me a total of 7 years which some people consider a little too long, but that's how long it took me. I realized that I only saw the good in my diseased husband and that I forgot a few other things that weren't all so great, and so I put all this in perspective. The bottom line is that he is dead, and that there is therefore no telling if we would have made it for 20 or 30 years. He died after 9 years of being married, and in your case your fiance died before you got married.....there is absolutely no way of telling if you really would have been that happy with him as you are with your husband now and there is the fact that he is dead, gone since years, but that you have found someone else to be happy with---and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. In the long run do you have the right to be happy. You can't stay happy if you look back and look at the "what if's...", because it didn't happen, it cannot happen no longer happen.
Try to remember the stuff that wasn't so good about the fiance who died and then put that in with what was good and that will bring everything into a realistic perspective and help you to appreciate your current happyness with your husband and to close the issue and move on......Good Luck

Answer 3

Your "guilt" displays that you care a lot for your husband, and appreciate what you have now..

Nonetheless, you have to understand that what you felt was before him, and you had no possible way to know that he would come into your life in the situtation that you described.

As long you care and love him, it is all that matters because you technically did nothing wrong. Unless, you still think that this marriage was through your parents and see nothing else to it...

You seem like a caring person; so, what you feel about the past is just a little "guilt" because you are enjoying what you have now and feel a little undeserving of it.

If we could only predict the future, then we would never make any mistakes are think negatively.. but that's not the case. Smile and enjoy what you have NOW.

Answer 4

I know it's hard, but you really shouldn't feel guilty. The first guy sounds like he understood you and he was really nice, and from what you said, it seems like he'd want you to go on and enjoy life rather than worrying about him. Also, I'm sure he enjoyed some things in his life before he passed, one of which was your relationship. I'm not saying to completely forget him, but you should still be able to live your life and respect his memory. It actually may help to talk things out with your husband. You could try counseling or therapy, but remember that you can't control an accident. It just happened and IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! Hope this helps you, and good luck!

Answer 5

I don't know why you feel guilty for moving on with your life. You did not kill this guy. It totally sucks that he had to die so young but there should not be any guilt on your part. Its not wrong of you to be happy in your life just because he is dead. I am sure he would have wanted you to be happy, and if the shoe was on the other foot I am sure you would have wanted him to be happy. Life is short as you obviously already know so being happy while you have the chance is a great thing!!!

Answer 6

Sweetie, you are not talking crazy, first of all the man that you fell in love with died and this broke your heart. Don't you think that if you and your first love really meant to be together, god will take him away from you?? I always believe that if it meant to be it will happen one way or the other. And now that you are married and love this man dearly, your conscience is killing you because your dream died when this man died.
The only way you can forget this pain, or this guilt is to sit with your husband, he is your husband and you don't need to hide things from him. Your first boyfriend is gone and I think your husband will not be threaten by him. Just be honest and tell him how sad you were when he died. He might surprise you after you tell him what's bothering you.....

Answer 7

First, you need to speak with a therapist. Meanwhile-you did not die, your ex did. Why should you feel guilty about moving on with your life? It is tragic what happened to your ex, but you had nothing to do with it and it may take a very long time to get over this loss. Although he died young I am sure he must have had some happiness during his short life. This is something you had no control over it. Enjoy your life and all that you have with your husband.

Answer 8

Well thats why you must take life one day at a time.
Because yo umay be here today, and gone tomorrow. So cherrish what you have.
You wil lalways have those memories of him. let them help you thru.
And ask your self what he would of wanted you to do. I'm sure if he knew you was happy, then i 'm sure, thats the way he would want it. Put him to rest in your mind, bury a memory of him, it might help.
Don't let the bitterness rule you, ok? Guilt will destroy a person in a minute.
Accept it. and let it go. there is nothing you can do,about it. and your husband need never know. Just be happy you have some one, to share your life with.

Answer 9

YOU KNOW POETRY IS THE BEST IN THESE OCCASIONS; LET ME PHRASE ONE FOR YOU!

guilt can shadow ones life
guilt can mirror the face that it reveals
pain comes but only time will heal
never the same, love or lust
then whats the reason for rough life as rust
happiness is there, so is summer every year
but really inside, like a cage endless tears
people surround me laughs and smiles
at times i set up a front to seem the same
but inside my hearts doing cart wheels feeling of quiting, feeling of guilt. at times im happy.
at times deep thoughts..the world keeps spinning so i must adapt. guilt can shadow ones life.....but whats life with no pain
is like having all the cheats to the game.

Answer 10

i dont understand why you feel so guilty, not like it was your fault that this young man died. it was just his time to go, and none of us know when that is going to be.
my advice to you is to begin enjoying the life you have instead of dwelling on the past and what you may have had. look to your future and what joy it could bring you.
i dont blame you for not wanting to tell your husband, he may actually understand what you are going thru and be able to help.maybe he isnt as happy as he thinks you are.
i am also sorry to say that he was your first true love and you will allways have a special place in your heart for him. so dont feel sad, feel glad your still here to ask questions and smell the fresh air. you know he would have wanted you happy, weather it was with him or not !

Answer 11

I don't know how you can get rid of the guilt when you haven't even done anything wrong. Perhaps this is something that you will always carry with you - call it guilt, sadness, memory, whatnot. It's probably nearly impossible to completely "get over" - and would you really want to? Some part of this person will always be with you, and there's nothing wrong with remembering and grieving.