My wife and I have a fabulous marriage -- great communication, very well prepared for our first child, who arrived this month. My wife and I just had our first parenting fight. My sister visited this weekend and was a bit obsessed with our baby. I agree with my wife that we need to set some boundaries for future visits. But my wife said some surprising things in the argument -- implying that leaving our baby with my sister might be "dangerous" and suggesting she might have bizarre intentions with baby.
I'm having trouble stomaching this talk, and it makes me angry to hear it from someone I love so much. I am a little frustrated that all the literature and pop-culture advice to a new mom says "trust your instincts", but in this case, I feel like that's reinforcing an irrational fear on her part. All the same, that reinforcement makes me irrelevant when I try to convince my wife that her fears are unfounded.
New moms, what's your advice for me to effectively talk this out?
2007-06-21 09:15:49 · 24 answers · asked by boferguson 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Newborn & Baby
Most new moms can understand where your wife is coming from. Its very very hard for a mother to leave her newborn with someone else because we honestly feel that no one can take care of them as good as we can.
I think the best way to handle this is to sit with your wife and explain how her comments made you feel. Tell her that you understand her fear of leaving the baby with someone else but that you were hurt by the things she said about your sister maybe you can ask what your sister did to invoke those feelings in your wife but don't get upset if she cant pinpoint it and don't try to change her mind just yet that may only make her feel like you don't understand at all. That's about all you can do. It will get easier as the baby gets older. Good Luck!
2007-06-21 09:23:54 · answer #1 · answered by Kristin Pregnant with #4 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I have to mention first of all that your wife's horomones are all over the place. That along with having all of these new "motherly instincts" makes for lots of arguments. I think some of the things that she said may be a bit ridiculous as far as your sister being dangerous, etc. Try not to be upset about it. Let your wife know that her feelings and concerns are completely valid. Also calmly explain to her that YOUR feelings and concerns are valid too. Discuss the fact that you both came to an agreement on setting boundaries for future visits with your family members. Tell your wife that after the new "rules" are in effect, you will re-evaluate the whole situation regarding your sister and then take it from there. If she still has these strange fears then agree to modify the boundaries even further. Could it be that your sister was just really excited to see the new baby? Good luck!
2007-06-21 09:28:16 · answer #2 · answered by thejenns22 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My first baby was born in March and I can totally relate to your wife. I can't stand the thought of my sister-in-law going anywhere near my baby boy. But then we have never gotten along.
It also took me until VERY recently to be able to even leave the room while he was with my husband's parents. I just don't trust them to take care of them the way I require - especially since they never stop insulting everything I do and contradicting everything I say... Ok, so I'm maybe not the best example to help you, but if your wife and your family don't get along very well that could have a lot to do with it.
But even aside from his family, it takes time for me to be able to trust other people with him. Even with his dad, my mother, etc. I had to watch everything they did for a while until I was SURE that they were ok with him. Not even meaning that anyone would ever intentionally hurt him, but taing care of a newborn isn't easy and they're just so fragile!!!
When your wife feels up to having visitors, let people come over for a few hours at a time. At first she'll want to be RIGHT THERE whenever anyone else has the baby. It's normal. Let her, even encourage her because she's being a GREAT MOM! Eventually she'll start to loosen up on her own. Once she sees that a particular person is very good with the baby she'll relax bit by bit, but it takes time.
Don't push it, let her hover over the baby as much as she needs to. If you tell her to relax or tell her not to worry about leaving the baby about whichever person (because you'll probably have this issue with almost every person that comes into the baby's life!), all she'll hear is "YOU'RE A BAD MOM" which is not true, nor is it what you mean.
If you really feel the need to talk to her about this (which I wouldn't entirely recommend) I'd suggest approaching it by asking for her advice or opinion like "I think maybe we could leave the baby with my mom for an hour and go get a coffee, what do you think? Is it too soon?" If you seem too sure of yourself ("We can leave the baby with my mom, it will be fine") then it might seem to her like you're challenging her, or like you're telling her what's best for her baby. You don't want to go there!!
I hope this helps you a little, it's a really hard thing for a new mom, especially if there's any friction at all in the family... but don't rush things. And ALWAYS take your wife's side if there's any issue that comes up and anyone else is there!!!!
2007-06-21 10:07:22 · answer #3 · answered by Maddy 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She is still very emotional and probably sensitive. Most new mothers are super protective over their new bundles of joy. I wouldn't take her words so literally. Maybe in the heat of the moment she was just upset and venting. I'm sure you're both sleep deprived and well just overwhelmed with all sorts of new feelings.........
I would try and brush it off for now, why dwell on words that were said in an argument, most arguments result with unwanted things said. Hopefully she will get past it. If not then you simply need to sit down and talk about it rationally. Be sure that you are not defending your sister because she is your sister. I would hope it was some sort of simple misunderstanding. Since you have a fabulous marriage I'm positive this will be worked out. Just remember a woman goes through a roller coaster change of hormones that she has no control over and it can last for months before her body gets back to normal.
Just be patient and understanding to what her body has gone through.
2007-06-21 09:33:49 · answer #4 · answered by Angel Eyes 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well... its tough. New moms hormones are not stable so be ready for a roller coaster. At least this is the way it was for me. I am a mother of 4 ... 9 months, 19 months, 6 yrs, 12yrs. I have realized that my mood and overall mental attitude is completely out of wack for a while... not to worry, she will get back to her normal self soon. As for your immediate situation, the best thing to do for now would probably be to console your wife but also let her know that you don't agree, and that you feel that your sisters intentions are completely harmless. Go along for now, don't allow your sister to have the baby alone just yet. It is normal for new moms to be extremely protective of their newborns, and that can be taken too far when our hormones are not behaving. Play along in the meantime... discuss this with your sister, if she is a mother she should understand, if not try to explain to her the situation the best you can. Save this discussion with your wife for a later time when she may be more rational. She could just be seeking your support at a time like this, your standing behind her may be all she needs.... she may then let the guard down and agree on her own to let the sister have alone time with your new baby. I really hope this helps! Good luck and congrats!
2007-06-21 09:31:28 · answer #5 · answered by Alicia B 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First, listen to your wife.
Being a new mom is hard work. The last thing in the world she needs is someone standing over her shoulder telling her what she's doing wrong. Even saying, oh he should have a hat on implies that the sister knows more than mom. Your sister should back down.
I also think you should be the one telling your sister to back off. It's really tough being a new mom and having your husband take "the other woman's" side...even if it is your sister.
Give her time to let her hormones settle down. As soon as her body is regulated and she gets used to baby she'll settle down. But, the road will be a lot harder if you don't let her know you stand beside her 100% even if you think something is silly. Her trust and confidence in you and your marriage could be impaired - she will always remember your reaction...
Just take it easy and give her time. This is a transition period.
2007-06-21 09:49:34 · answer #6 · answered by Baby #3 due 10/13/09 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She's a new mom and she'll get over how she feels... However, what was the behaviour of your sister to have a reaction from your wife...? Family members in particular can get under a new moms skin fast.. For starters they just don't listen.. Try and try they just don't.. I remember when I had my first I wanted EVERYONE to wash their hands before they touched the baby and everyone thought I was being weird... I also didn't want pop-ins. Everyone adheared EXCEPT my in-laws who brought other people with them... So, I can see why your wife is kinda freaking out.. I'm sure your sister was just excited and overjoyed, but keep the visits short and sweet.. It's going to take her time to get adjusted and let others be around the baby.. Just wait till the two of you go out for the first time alone...Bring tissues and prepare to go home a little early..... It's normal.. don't fight about it just move on....
2007-06-21 09:23:19 · answer #7 · answered by pebblespro 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Relax....the baby is just new to her and she doesnt trust anyone w/ her....its ok!!! its normal!!! Right now your wifes hormones are still settling back down....it could take up to 3 - 6 months for her to go back to "normal" Things will still be different b/c you now have a new person in your life, but she will calm down in a few months....When you are a new mom its just really hard to trust others w/ your baby....I had a real problem w/ letting my brother hold my son....even though he was perfectly fine doing it....or even my husband....I would just get really nervous! Its all normal....she will overcome it.....But you may want to go ahead and ask her what she thinks your sister has in mind! Just talk to her rationaly and ask...she may have a valid reason and if she doesnt then just talk to her very calmly about the situation!! Its just very hard for a first time mom to leave their new child w/ someone!!
2007-06-21 09:24:14 · answer #8 · answered by tll 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Your wife has little energy, is probably very sleep deprived, and her hormones are crazy. She is so protective of this new baby- it is all natural. Be compassionate, and let her rest. Love her, and the baby, and help her as much as you can with this bundle. A firstborn is a whole different situation than subsequent babies that may be on the horizon - she is learning how to be a mom herself, and may naturally be unwilling to trust others with the baby, even though she probably needs a break. Talk to her? Only if she is very rested - in about two years or more!
2007-06-21 09:23:24 · answer #9 · answered by Ambrosia 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I was the exact same way when I had my daughter. You have to realize she is a new mom. She has to be protective-it's our nature. She has hormones going crazy, is probably lacking sleep, and is very unsure about being a mom. Please don't think that i am making excuses. The best thing to do is let he do her own thing. Support her the best you can, but she needs to get on her feet as a new mom. If you have concerns, talk to her Ob/GYN.
Let it go for a while. If something else comes up, ask her why she feels that way. Don't accuse her of being wrong, just try to get her side. Congrats on the new baby! Time goes by quickly!
2007-06-21 09:24:01 · answer #10 · answered by Sarah K 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋