Should I Dump Him?

Question

My boyfriend is the best guy I know. I've never been more in love and more willing to want to start a future (marriage) with someone.

His one downfall is that he use to have a gambling problem. He had bad finanacial problems b/c of it; but is in the process of getting his life back together.

I love him, but he's never seeked professional help. I'm a little concerned this "problem" will start again. I DO believe people can beat their addicitions, I DON'T believe they can do them WITHOUT professional help.,

What should I do? I'm scared both ways. I'm scared that if I dump him, I'll be making the biggest mistake of my life. I'm also scared that if I stay, we will just ended up divorced if we get married?

What should I do? I've been with him for 3 years. We have so much love and so much history?

We are in our mid-20's.

Please, no negative comments on his personality. He's a great person. But, even great people have addictions. Addiction is a mental health problem, so please consider that.

Answer 1

You said that he is in the process of getting his life back together. Let him do that before you make any marriage plans. Be there to support him. Some people don't need professional help to get through a problem like this. If you do decide to marry, you should have a back up plan in place (he should be a part of making this plan) where you can get out at the first sign of this addiction. If you make it clear that gambling would be a deal breaker, and stick to it, you'll be fine. You might not be together but you'll survive. I would let him get his life in order and let him live that for a year or so before I would even consider marriage. Good luck :)

Answer 2

Well you need to ask yourself a couple of questions. In the last 3 years together has he put gambling above your relationship? How long has it been since he gambled? Have you sat down and discussed together what the consequences would be if he started gambling again?
There are some people who can take an addiction and quit without the help of councelling. Some people just realize what a fool they have been and stop. Gambling is a hard thing to over come. I would say that if in the last 3 years or even 2 years he has put gambling behind him then you should be able to put it behind you too.Trust until you have a reason not to trust, or the relationship won't work. If you look for excuses to dump him, I'm positive you'll find them. Dumping him for something he hasn't done in years (IE:Gambling) isn't really fair. The only way he can show he's changed is with time. He needs your support not your doubt. I wish you both the best.

Answer 3

Most people with addictions have relapses at some time or another...and that's your concern, because it could ruin you financially.
If you marry him...discuss beforehand the situation and agree on rules. As long as he admits that he has had problems in the past, then he should have no problem with you controlling the finances and having only a credit card that has a very low maximum balance, as well as a savings account that requires both signatures for withdrawal, and a low balance in the checking account.
When you talk to him about it, stress that you don't want to be insulting to him, but that you want to protect your future with him.
If he refuses this plan, then I wouldn't marry him, no matter how much I loved him. That is asking for blind trust that he would never gamble again, and that he would never gamble again is very highly unlikely, especially since he has never gone to counseling, although even if he had, that would be no guaranttee!
I might live with him though, and hide my credit cards from him, that way he can only mess up his credit, not yours.

Answer 4

How long into the relationship did you know he had a problem? If it was from the start, you obviously didn't have a problem with it then so why should it matter now? Has he ever slipped in the time you've been dating? Personally, I believe a person can kick a bad habit without professional help. There's always going to be something in a marriage when things aren't what you thought they should be. Just don't let him be in charge of the finances and you'll be fine :) If you love him, don't dump him.

Answer 5

Everyone can handle different addictions in different ways. Take for instance an crack addict and a tobacco user. A tobacco user most likely will not need to get professional help to quit un like a crack addict. It sounds like your boyfriend is on the right road to makeing a new life. Something hit him pretty hard to get him to start changing. I would not tell you to leave him but what I will tell you is that both you need to make sure that the stability is there financialy,mentally, and emotionaly not just for yourself but for each other. You two i take it have already worked through the hard part of the problem. Just keep working through it make sure everything is straight and then tie the not. No need to rush this.

Answer 6

A very difficult question because a gambling addiction is extremely hard to break. If you decide to get married, I recommend that you keep separate bank and investment accounts. That way, he can't gamble away your money. You should also have a third account, which both of you contribute to proportionally to your income, with the specific understanding that nothing can be taken out unless both of you agree (check the balance statements to be sure). If, after a few years, you see he has beaten his addiction, then maybe you can relax the rules, but you definitely should be careful.

Answer 7

Of course you are the one who has to decide for yourself but, I think that if he hasn't gambled in the three years you've known him, maybe he really has overcome his addiction. I have seen other people kick addictions without professional help. I think it depends on each individual. Anytime you marry someone you take a gamble (no pun intended). You can be with someone for years and they can start using drugs or become an alcoholic. If you really love him, take the chance. I would communicate my fears to him. Good luck!

Answer 8

You don't have to dump him...give him a chance first.

If you feel this strongly about professional help, then there's no shame in discussing this with him. People either accept the fact that they need help, or they don't. If he truly loves you, and accepts the fact that you are concerned for his well being, he will (hopefully) accept seeking help for his addiction.

You are rightfully concerned. I would be as well if I were in your shoes. You are showing that you care, and want to be with him in the future...you just want to make sure "everything is okay" and he's on the right track.

There's never any shame in seeking help...never.

Good for you! :)

Answer 9

You have been with him for 3 years then you should know if he is a strong man. If he make a decision to quite gambling is he strong enough to stay away. Any addiction in life is bad, but a strong will and a strong reason to quit is the only solution.

Answer 10

I have to side towards leaving him, but do one thing, go to the horoscope portion of "ask yahoo" and ask the same question in addition add each of your birth signs. I'll have answer for you as well as other people. Oh and you say you have history, has the gambling problem come up in the past 3 years with him? has there been financial difficulties in the relationship?