I caught my wife talking to another guy. They work together. What do I do?

Question

In a nutshell.
I had 3 credit cards that she did not know about. I opened in both our names. I opened a myspace acct just to see what the hype was all about. Logged in once never again. She found out about it. I was playing an online video game 4+ hours a night and on the weekends. So these are the things that she says caused a trust issue with her.
Said she started talking to her "friend" talking about his marital problems and her marital problems. She says she felt neglected and disconnected for the last 4 years. All her girlfriends are saying that they don't blame her for talking to another guy. I feel like I can't trust her anymore. Now the coworker does work in another division and they are not in the same office, but they do travel together to meetings out of town with other coworkers. Is it fair for me to ask her to cut ties? I am obsessed with checking her text messages and cell phone bill help!

Answer 1

You have credit you don't tell her about and play computer games 4 hrs and day plus weekends and you don't trust her because she TALKS with another guy? You're nuts!

If you are to obsessed with your games to give her the companionship that she deserves, what is she supposed to do? Talk to the dog?

Grow up and get your priorities straight.

Answer 2

If she told you she feels neglected and disconnected why don't you start working on that? Start rebuilding the relationship and maybe you can get the trust back. Ask what you would do if you were in her shoes? I don't think she should be working out marital issues with a third person. Put your foot down about it and tell her that you are willing to work on things if she stops talking to this man. Your obsession will kill your marriage. Put everything on the table and try to work at it. You did things behind her back too. You were neglecting her and giving more attention to a video game. Both of you need to come to an agreement on what you want and don't want in a marriage. Both of you need to grow up and stop doing things behind each others back. When you can be mature enough to do this and be open and honest with each other, you might be able to save your marriage.

Answer 3

No one is right in this situation. You both did shady things that has caused a huge rift in the trust foundation of your r'ship. You HAVE to find a way to re-build the trust and love you once had for each other. That mean, you BOTH have to make a vow to stop any behavior that could damage that trust. You will close those 3 credit cards, stop playing online games (hey, you might actually try spending time w/ your wife), and close the myspace account. Do all this IN FRONT OF HER so she knows it has been done. That will be a 1st step toward making things better and gaining her trust again. But for her part, she needs to stop confiding in that guy - it's a threat to you, makes you feel insecure, and even if nothing is going on, she SHOULD care how it makes you feel. The fact is - YOU should be her best friend. She should be confiding in you, not some other guy who isn't in the marriage. Marital problems should only be discussed between those involved...period.

I hope these things will begin to build a bridge that was destroyed earlier.

Goodluck

Answer 4

First of all YOU are not to be trusted because you were hiding financials from her. Secondly, if you play video games for more than four hours a day, you are ignoring her, and have huge issues. Thirdly, no wonder she felt disconnected and neglected as in how can she even connect with you if you don't communicate?

She should talk to someone because she obviously CAN'T talk to you. How obtuse and ridiculous are you to even ask these questions? If I were her I would leave your butt in the dust and work on a career.

She should not trust you, not vice versa. She has shown maturity and the ability to communicate her feelings? And since when is it considered cheating to actually speak to a person of the opposite sex about life problems? Have you ever heard of the concept of FRIENDSHIP? Of course not because you are too busy playing stupid-*** games!!!!

And WHY are YOU checking her text messages? You clearly have huge trust issues and communication issues and have invaded her privacy probably because you are doing exactly what you have accused her of. Think about it if you can put a rational thought together!

Answer 5

Ok, well I will say that most affairs happen at work because they already have something in common. However, checking your wife's text messages and cell phone bill will not solve anything. First of all, it will definitely push her away and secondly, you are already setting her up for the fall. These things can and often do lead to false accusations. Both of you have some trust issues and it sounds like and will only get worse if you let it. If you truly love your wife and want to work things out, then show her more attention. Bring her out to dinnner, buy her flowers for no reason or swing her around and kiss her passionately without warning. These things will get her attention and make her not want to talk to other guys. Trust is the first and foremost thing to keep a relationship going. Good luck!

Answer 6

This is one of those situations when 2 wrongs don't make a right. You're both not behaving properly. I wouldn't say that if she was just talking to the guy. However, she is discussing your marital difficulties with him even though you've let her know you were uncomfortable. It sounds like at the very least, she is having an emotional affair. Generally, those lead to physical affairs, so not good. Now, why are you alienating your wife? All those hours of your time spent playing games instead of playing footsies is a huge mistake. If you can't recognize from your excessive playing, I'll tell you; You've become addicted to the games. So many people do. This is exactly why my husband and I do not allow those games in our house. Hey, if you've got the occasional desire to play a game, go to an arcade. Make a day of it. But don't let it become more important to you than the time you spend interacting with your wife. Lets see, 4 hrs a night makes about 28 hrs a week, and you said 4+, so its probably more than that. Now, how much time do you spend INTERACTING, not just sleeping beside or in the same room with, or watching tv with, but actually interacting with your wife. Now, look at yourself. Seriously, which is more important to you? Games or her. If you said games, you're one sick puppy and should be ashamed of yourself. If you said her, then get those stinkin' games out of the house, and devote your time to giving your wife the emotional support she needs.

Answer 7

I empathize with your dilemma. How sad that so many people spend more time checking up on their spouses rather than use that time to make things right! Is it possible that you were spending more time on the computer than you want to own up to? Is it possible that you neglected her? As far as trust goes, It's odd that you got 3 secret credit cards and now claim that you just wanted to see what was going on on Myspace. Why were they a secret? If your intention was pure and you were simply acting out of curiosity, why would you have to be so deceptive and snakelike about it? No, I don't buy your story. You were up to no good and she found out. She has a right not to trust you. This sinister behavior and lack of attentiveness, might have led her to develop an intimate and inappropriate relationship with her co-worker. You helped to create this tangled web. Own up to your part. End the sneakiness and checking her text messages and cell phone bills (which are all indications of how underhanded you can be.) I'd suggest that you make the time to sit down with her to hash out your marital problems. Be a man and come clean. See where you may have gone wrong. Speak to her about whether she is cheating and how you intend to work with her to rebuild trust.

Answer 8

First of all, I'm not a doctor, so not an authorized counselor. But you're living a desperate situation. I think, looking this situation from the other point of view, that the best thing (I suppose it could help a lot), is to have a good talk. It looks too, being sincere, that she's been seeing this guy since a long time ago and that they have had an emotional affair. If you love her still and want to recover her, you need to talk and display all your cards to her, putting things right straight to her; she will have to make a decision about your proposition and about you. Don't try to invade her privacy, that won't help, it will make the situation worst, and besides she will try to find the way to see and talk to him. Talk to her sincerely. I'm sure both will get to a right decision.

Good luck, dude.

Answer 9

Is it the fact that she is talking to another male? So if she had been talking to a female, this would be fine? Have you asked her if she wants to pursue the new friendship? I don't think it is appropriate for her to be sharing her marital problems with another married man who also has marital problems. If she is confiding in her girl friends that she has been talking to him and that you are jealous, then why can't she just confide in her girl friends about the marital problems?

I am not sure I would trust her either, but she may be trying to make you jealous to get your attention - even if it is negative. You need to have a long sit-down with her and iron out your problems.

Stop checking her text messages and her cell phone bill. You are going to make yourself crazy. If they are such good friends, you should ask her to invite him for a BBQ and include you in the circle.

Good luck. Marriage is hard. You need to earn her trust and she yours.

Answer 10

oh boy, have I been there. To be honest. First, you were wrong for getting the credit cards without discussing with her. The my space and games is not too big of a deal for me. I think she is just using that as an excuse to justify her affair, and yes, face the reality that it is an affair. She might not have slept with him yet, but it is definately coming. If nothing else, it is an emotional affair. My HB had an affair with a co-worker. We managed to work it out eventually, but it killed me everyday to know that he had to go to work and had the opportunity to see her. The way I found out was their e-mails back and forth to one another and receipts where he bought her lunch etc. The first initial snoop killed me, but by that time I felt like what do I have to loose, I already feel like I am loosing my husband. As you find more and more information, it will get easier. My HB changed all passwords to the bills etc. and got the cell phone bill sent to his work e-mail address so it did not get sent to our house and there was no paper copy only electronic. He is an IT guy and didn't even try to hide things because he had no clue I knew more about computers than he thought I did. The question is what to do now? I would lay low for a few days. I know it will be hard as hell, but if they know you are tailing them, then they just hide it better. Continue your investigations, then confront her point blank. Lay it all on the table and hold nothing back. My HB had NO CLUE I knew all the information that I did. You must then decide what to do from there. Work it out or divorce. I will tell you this, once trust is broken, it is never back 100%. We did work it out, but only after attending about 2 months of counseling. i highly reccomend marrriage counseling. It did wonders for us. I don't think we could have survived without it.

Answer 11

Wow. I'm not a professional, but it seriously sounds like you BOTH have trust issues.

It's time for you both to lay the cards on the table. It's going to take honesty...not holding back anything...not hiding anything...but being kind to one another in the process.

Perhaps you should get the help first. You all ready admit you're obsessed with checking her cell phone. I don't blame you for not trusting the situation with her requirements to travel with her career...but at least it's a start if you want to save your marriage.

Someone has to step up to the plate to start this process...why not have it be you? Get the seriuos help your marriage needs now.