Have any hints and comments for a beginner in poetry?I wrote this silly thing....?

Question

I wrote this slightly morbid poem,do you have any hints for me?
~hearts eaten~
I'm eating her heart in the sands
of the beach where she used to take my hand
and tell me I was the only man
for her.

She'd show me where they all lay,
those men who led her heart astray.
She said "they never die in vain",
and I believed her.

When I had seen the crimes she did
I ran so far away and hid,
not knowing that a bullet would hit
her skull

When I came back from my fear
I saw what had become of my Dear,
and now my body will lie here
with her.

After taking notice of her suicide,
I took her body for a ride,
and we went back to the beach where we now reside
together.

I ripped her heart out of her chest,
and in devouring it I wished for her tan breasts,
those evil eyes,her warm caress
-but death had undone us-

Please help! (I posted in P&S but she just told me to go to a doctor 0.o; )

Answer 1

i think its a good poem...............

Answer 2

LOL! So she told you to go to a doctor! Hehehe .. Some people just don't appreciate unorthodox expressions and carbon copies of a poet's real suffering!

Your poem is morbid, so what? It is a photocopy of your bitterness, torture, agony and fury ... Be it so or otherwise, does not make it a bad poem. To the contrary, it is much better than many that go on and on and in the end the reader returns with empty hands. At least, your poem is a chunk of your morbid feelings, and that is what good poetry is all about.

Answer 3

You know I like how it starts-its interesting-the first 2 verses especially
After that for me the tones a little abrubt the words ...mmm, a little direct
Its dark but a little personal to translate well universally,,but i like the start, - more assonance would serve you better rather than direct rhyme (just my taste)

Heres my poem inspired, based on yours, but changed in sentiment


my rewrite
shes eating my heart
out in the sands
on the beach where she used to take my hand
and tell me I was the only man
for her.

shes eating my heart.
i hid, in judgement
for the crimes she did
playing those timeless lovers games
in fear and vulnerability

and when it subsided.
I was too late
I wasnt there when she decided.
So what else could i do?
I lay with you.

After your suicide
I went for a ride with you,
back to the beach
Where we now breach like ships together.

There she ripped my heart from my chest;
and in devouring it
I wished for her tanned breasts
Evil eyes,warm caress
ebony coloured coast
Untouched by death.

Answer 4

To become a poet or writer one must practice and research the craft with a strong overwhelming drive. Work on your punctuation for poetry. Generally, the first word in each new sentence is capitalized.

Seek for balance--how the poem reads. After composing one, read it aloud, concentrating what else you might do for improvement. Yours reads in an awkward tone because it is unbalanced. Try to cut and trim away the fat--words that are unnecessary and add too much weight. Look for words that are simple, yet definable.

Answer 5

You have definite talent, and also a strong, but partially "clouded" personal "energy signature"--I do a lot of energy work and can read peoiple's energy from their "printed word", etc. And, no, it's not a delusion; many of my friends can as well. :)) See this site about the "energy thing" http://www.lightworkers.org The "clouding" is due to anger and mistrust? No surprise given the nature of existence as a human these days.

You should just keep writing--the gift is there; and express in as many other ways as appeal to you. The "clouding" will be cleared up through regular meditation and exercise and discussing your "issues" with appropriate folks.

The highest talent comes through once you are clear and "peaceful". Best of luck :))

Also, see this-helpful--http://www.ajna.com/articles/osho/ego_the_false_center.php

Answer 6

I am also a begginer poet. i jsut write for the fun of it and nothing else. maybe try a couple contest but nothing fancy for me. They way i started writing is to take all of the emotions that you have inside you and pick the strongest one. Say if someone past in your family, or you met your lover, or you had something really great happen to you. just pick one emotion and then get a peice of paper and expand on it. just write a lot of things down aboiut it. for example if someone has past you could wirte their name, about how close they were to you, what they meant to you, how bad it hurt when they past. You just gotta expand on a subject and then take those things and place them in order and make them rhyme if thats what you are trying to do. Good Luck to you. i hope this helps you out! I like the poem also.

Answer 7

when u write poetry ,it is always good to think real hard about what u are going to say.keeping in touch with your inner feelings.
some times u may need time to your self .just write down what u feel in your heart..Your poem was good.

Answer 8

That's sick. You need help.

Answer 9

Go see a doctor ... please.