is going through alot of trauma and hurt by others in your life reflect badly on your character? how can you?

Question

handle this? especially if you have pride and dont like the fact youve had to suffer alot of pain and trauma at the hands of others......its not like you can deny it happened, it makes me so angry, because i feel my ego and pride are dented, i get angry at any percieved vunerability i have, how can i deal with the fact people have hurt me alot and treated me so unfairly throughout my life?
i wish i hadnt of gone through anything in my life, i feel angry about it, i wanted a happy , carefree life, and i never got that,
so what can i do? im 30 now, have bpd, borderline personality disorder and im on a waiting cue for therapy,
i wanna soldier on & deal with this, but i cant help but feel angry, upset, resentfull, bitter about what ive been through, but then, i get angry at myself for feeling these emotions, because i wana be strong, 100% of the time, regemented, i wanna fight it, fight it,& emerge the otherside.
how can i feel about all this? that ive sustained alot of mental damage?

has it marred my character in anyway that ive been through all this?
i just wanna deny sometimes, like it never happened, i hate that ive had to go through all that

i dont wanna be viewed as a '' strong man'' or as somebody different because of what ive been through....who am i? im nobody, and i want it all to go away, and just blend in to a normal ife....im not strong, i cant help the cards ive been dealt...im no one. just a guy who wants to blend in and forget what ive been through.

Answer 1

What do you want, life is never fair. It will kick you in the teeth several time a day. I have been on tranquilizers and had people lie about me but I am still here. You deal with what you can and then ask for help on the others. If that is not manly then why do I want to be manly. I like who I am, do the same. Life is to short.

Answer 2

I've dealt with a little of this myself. The main thing to remember is you can't control what happen then, but you CAN control how you react to it now. No, you can't forget it, but you can move on. Knowing that you survived these things make you tougher, so for you to say you want to be strong...YOU ALREADY ARE! The only way that you will emerge on the other side (the happy side I'm assuming you mean) is to accept you can't control or change it. They were wrong and you got treated like crap. Are you going to give them more power by letting their actions continue to drag you down? I know it's difficult and it won't change overnight, but try to "start a new life". You need to start having happy moments with good friends. When you have happy moments you start to realize whatever happen in the past doesn't matter anymore. No you will never forget, but you can move on. Good Luck and continue to be strong!

You are not giving yourself enough credit. You will never be able to forget what happen. You need to accept that. The best way to accept is to say "OK a lot of bad stuff happen and I've suffered a lot, but I'm not going to suffer today." This needs to come from you, from inside. If you don't acknowledge that you're strong (and you are) then you will not get past this. Nobody is strong 100% of the time. We all have down days. Take it one day at a time. Decide that today you are going to do something fun. Anything. What would you do, then do it. Have some fun and try to let go of the past just for a few hours at least.

Answer 3

I know about the depth of anger a person can store from childhood abuse, because I too was a victim. It about ruined any childhood or good teen years I might have had.

Having said all that, I also managed to get myself in a world of trouble due to my anger.

What it took for me, was to finally say and mean that "I am the only one who has power over my feelings and behavior anymore". I did go through some therapy, I never took anger management because they did not have it at that time, only psychiatrists back in the 60's. I would suggest an anger management therapist for you, not in a group setting as I feel it would be countertherapeutic at this time, maybe later when you and your therapist feel you are ready. You will learn how to change your whole perspective on things, manage your stress, relax more and how to deal with the past as well.
Now for the most important piece of advice. You must stick with it, no matter how slow you think it is going (after all how many years have you been this way (30)?), it is going to take time and work to change. Get on line and punch in "mental health services" and the name of your city and state. This will give you a list of resources where you can go. Don't worry about money, most states have providers that work on a sliding scale and you may be eligible for free services. Please take this first step and start to be happy. I wish you the very best.

Answer 4

Obviously, this is what you are saying happened to you, but it can be remedied if the person wants to make changes to his behavior. However, you also say that you have some psychiatric problems that doctors may help you control.

If you feel pride when vulnerable, recognize this for what it is a fear to being hurt again. If you know that it is safe to feel vulnerable, push your pride or ego aside so your vulnerability can come afloat. We all need to be able to express our fears in a safe environment. You could also keep your behavior in check because if you know what sets you off, you could start by noticing when it is about to get off hand. This way, you can remove yourself before you explode. Do you understand? For example, if I know that not eating for 6 hours makes me irritable and despicable to others, I would try to keep something with me just in case I am not able to get buy food. It takes a keen eye, awareness, time, planning, anticipation, and dedication to change your behavior.

Unfortunately, we don't have control over certain things that happen to us, and so stop wishing for a happy, carefree life and start creating it now by seeking expert help and learning what emotions and attitude contribute to the type of life you want for yourself. Right now you have the power to DECIDE the life you always wanted. Don't waste it crying over spilt milk. If you don't change, you will keep allowing your past rule your present and future- can't you see this?

Write a list of things that you think are an obstacle for your present life to be the way you want it to be. Once you have your list, go through it and find out which ones you can solve yourself (like your ego and attitude) doing activities you always wanted to do, surrounding yourself by loving and supportive people; and identify those issues only a psychologist or psychiatrist (bpd/boderline personality, and life pattern) can help you with.

You are no longer a victim but a survivor. Do you know the difference? A victim is not in control of his life, but a survivor is. If you keep feeling sorry for yourself as if you were still being victimized, your life situation will not go away. However, if you acknowledge that bad things happened to you and you have survived them, then you will feel empowered. Look how much you have been able to endure, and you're still intact. You are a strong, resilient human being. You are a blessing, and can do anything you want because you have survived the worst.

Once you start working on solving your attitude and issues, you will be glad your past is no longer controling your present. Now, that's a relief!

Right now, you're in the right path to self discovery, keep going like the survivor you are!

Answer 5

I think you answered your question at the begging. Pride - this may be a big reason your holding onto all the emotions your feeling.

We don't have control over the curcumstances we're born into and grow up in. We have to accept these as our reality. But doesn't mean you have to associate yourself with this environment for the rest of your life. The great thing about life is we have choices. Who we choose to associate with what type of Ora we choose to present about ourselves.

We have to accept the fact that everyone is imperfect and we all let down others.

I've learned that there's terms like unconditional love and grace that shed light unto something that more than any human can offer.

Answer 6

Instead of complaing that you didn't get the life you wanted, it would be much more productive of you to deal with what is. What is, is that you seem to have been abused in someway in your formative years. That isn't your fault. But another reality is that you are still here. You are already a proven fighter. You could have given up a long time ago. But you didn't.

First thing, remember, that no matter how bad your life sucks, someone ALWAYS has or has had it much worse. Even if you were the most inhumanely treated and abused kid in the US, at least you were in the US. At least you weren't a child in Sierra Leonne that is made to walk the mine feilds of Battle grounds 200 feet in front of soldiers so that if you stepped on a land mine, it was your leg, or your life, not that of a soldier. At least you can eat every day. At least you aren't being forced into prostitution by your family. You are, I am assuming, able to walk, talk, see, hear, breathe. You are here. What happened to you, happened. My childhood sucked too, hardcore. I can give you sob stories about hwo I was treated and what was done to me by my own family members. But I refuse to let THAT define who I am today. At 29, I make my own choices, I am in control of my own destiny and I control whether I will answer the door when opportunity knocks. I am not a "victim". I am a survivor. And the skills I gained in emerging from my abusive past are what make me strong today.

Also, let go of your anger, your bitterness, your resentment. That is causing you to continue to be a slave to who ever did whatever they did to you. They still have control and power over your life if you continue to life in anger. Take back your power, take back your control. Show them that no matter what they did to you, you are STILL a productive citizen of society. That no matter how much they tried to keep you down, you are STILL here, you still wake up everyday. When you come out on top of the world, no matter how they tried to beat you down, you win, they lose. When you wake up everyday still dwelling on what happened to you...they win, you lose.

Answer 7

No, it is not true. You can have a very full, exciting life filled with all different kinds of people in it. You can be happy in all different kinds of relationships because there are good people out there that will understand you and love you for who you are. There is so much more about you than BPD--it doesn't have to run your life. Just the fact that you are asking this question means that there's something in you that wants more, that wants to break free, and you can have it! =)

Answer 8

My heart goes out to you. Some pain is unbearable and one lifetime isn't long enough to get through it all. But I have faith that you WILL get thorugh this. Because you want to. And that's the first place to start.
I will assure you that others who've been through hell and back, have survived and been able to lead happy lives. No, the memories don't magically disappear, but they stop having power over you and stop controlling you.
I will also tell you that in my own journey, I couldn't have made it without God. I would never have been able to forgive without him. And the first step to healing is to stop blaming.
We aren't promised when we're born to have a carefree life. No one is. And most people in the world never ever get that. It's not a realistic thought.
Secondly, stop replaying the memories over and over in your mind. That is unhealthy and you will NEVER get healthy by doing this. It's guaranteed to ruin every chance of happiness you have by doing this.
Third- and this is by FAR the most important thing you can do to change---start being thankful. Make a list of things to be thankful for. For example: someone's smile, or a flower you smelled, or for the color of your hair, or because people care about you (even strangers like me). or because God loves you and created you and has sent people to you to help you...etc.
Read the list outloud everyday. It's very important. Remeber, the key is to start being grateful
I wish you luck and blessings. You can do this!

Answer 9

Everyone I know as suffered from some sort of trauma while growing up. Many of them don't display any negative reactions from it. Feeling resentful and getting angry aren't going to help you though. On the other hand if you have BPD you'll need treatment and if you have to wait, then that's what you have to do. Also, people often look at their selves with jaundiced eyes. We become our most severe critics and judges. We often deal with ourselves more harshly than necessary too.

Answer 10

Just to tell you my own experience.

I've been through a lot of traumatic experiences when I was a child. Verbal, emotional and even sexual abuse. My life then was miserable. I hated people. And there was a time in my life when I thought of taking my own life, but somehow I didn't. Terrible childhood memories haunted me. Then I talked to God because I felt He was the only One I was comfortable talking to. I told Him I was so helpless. And He helped me through it. I then realised that people or bad experiences should never shape my future. My past is gone, and they're gone!. Now I'm 38 and I am moving forward.

I hope you'll get through it, too.