My husband has a 14 yr old that he didnt know about!?

Question

Well.. he did KNOW about her... but heres the situation:

When my husband was 16 he had a "one night stand" w/ a girl and she got pregnant. He didnt even KNOW that she was pregnant until one day when her father showed up w/ papers to have my hubby sign to give up his rights to a child he didnt even know exsisted until that day!

Of course, since he was a kid and didnt know what he would DO w/ a child, he signed the papers and thats the LAST he heard about it (although he HAS thought about her from time to time!) The mother didnt want her either and gave her up for adoption.

Now.. he DID tell me about her before we even got married which is a good thing concidering 2 days ago we got a phone call saying that she wants to meet her "REAL" dad! She's now 14 yrs old and living a few states away.

The thing is... we dont even know FOR SURE that she is, in fact, HIS child since there was never a DNA test! And obviously that is going to be the FIRST thing that we take care of!

My question is for MANY differant viewpoints:

How would you feel as the Dad (my hubby) being hit w/ all of this after 14 yrs (and now having a wife and 3 other kids!)

How would you feel as the daughter (her) and what would you be expecting from your "dad!?"

How would you feel as the wife (me) just now getting and having to process all of this?

How would you feel as the OTHER children, finding out that you had an OLDER sibling and all of that?

Thanks for any "light" you can shed... I am simply at a loss and it still seems so SUREAL to me.

Of COURSE we are going to be there for her (if she IS his child) and we will be loving and friendly and welcome her into our family... but this is a HUGE shock and will impact us in ways that I cant really even comprehend right now!!

I just wanted some other opinions and thoughts!!

Thanks again!

And PLEASE... dont talk poorly about my husband.. he is a GOOD MAN!! He was a KID at the time (16!) ALL of us make mistakes... some are just bigger then others! He's not a cheater or a bad person.

Hes a WONDERFUL and LOVING husband and father. We have 3 beautiful and great children!

Its just something that happened!

And I have to give him a TON of credit for telling me ALL about the situation before we were ever even ENGAGED b/c it was a very HARD thing to talk about and he TRUSTED me enough to tell me and also LOVED me enough to be honest!

So dont go "bashing" my husband and the mistakes he made as a KID!

She was adopted by her mothers brother! Her mother was into "partying" and didnt want the burden of a child (this is what the adoptive mother told me last night when I talked to her). That is WHY she knows about my husband. She has been told her entire life that he is her dad, but NO ONE has even done a DNA test and there WERE 2 other men that the mother slept w/ around the same time. But they gave the daughter MY HUSBANDS last name!! That really baffles me!

Also.. we would NEVER be mean to the girl!! She is the INNOCENT in the entire situation! She had NO CONTROL over any of this and I COMPLETELY understand her wanting to "know!" We would never "crush her spirit" or whatnot and if she IS my hubbys child then she will also be WELCOME in our family. Its just a huge thing to really "get through" my head right now!

I am NOT the jealous type and would NEVER act like a "child" in this situation! In fact one of the 3 children of "ours" is actually my step son (from a previous relationship) and his mother and I are actually "friends" now (after 3 yrs of "fighting" and estabilishing "ground rules!" LOL) But I have ALWAYS treated HIM as part of this family and loved him like one of my own.. and I dont see why I would/should treat THIS child any differantly (IF she is his child)

I keep saying IF though b/c like I said, there are 2 other guys that COULDVE been the father and I just dont understand WHY the mother simply ASSUMED that it was MY husband and why a DNA test wasnt done THEN and WHY IN THE WORLD even after being adopted did they give her OUR last name??

I'm also kind of worried that her "parents" are looking for something MORE then just a relationship! Is that something that I SHOULD be worried about or am I just worrying for no reason about that?

Answer 1

Wow, well if you considered your life to be "normal" or "calm" before, you just added a little adventure without even trying! I'm not making light of the situation, but look at this like a good thing. Sure, your lives are disrupted, but with a little extra love and caring words and thoughts, you can get through this too. I read your profile, and this is nothing compared to what you have overcome, you're strong. Here's my answers to your questions:

How would dads feel about finding out about a kid?
Obviously, I'm not a dad, but let's say I gave a child up for adoption years ago, and now that I've moved on she calls me and wants to meet me? Well, no doubt, I'd get butterflies in my stomach, my dreams would be filled with getting the chance to see if she looked anything like me, and I would no doubt want to at least sit down and say hello. I would then wonder if this is fair to my family, and probably be hit with a BIG guilt trip (self induced) on about the 2nd or 3rd day after teh phone call because this is a good thing for me, but my family (children especially) might not know how to accept another child so suddenly. So,as the old cliche goes, I'd be an emotional roller coaster.
Happy, guilty, nervous, angry that the grandparents didn't give me a chance to be in this child's life. They just showed up at the door and said "sign this, you're off the hook" Well, what if your husband didn't really want to be off the hook? With just a little help, he could have held his new little girl and fell in love with her, and at least would have been able to visit her and give her love, then once he got a job could have supported her eventually. Ask him what his thoughts are, and tell him to not hold back a thing.

How would the daughter feel?
Nervous, afraid of rejection (even if you plan on welcoming her, she has no idea what's to come), and if she just learned about the fact she was adopted, possibly betrayed and of course, looking for answers and wanting to see if she looks anything like her dad too. She probably wants to know what he's like, to see what kind of relationship she can build with him, and on a more sad note, to see what she's been missing out on for the past 14 years.

How would I feel as the wife in this situation?
Nervous also, because no doubt your husband will be going through a lot and at times you may feel left out. If the mother decides to show up too, I'd start to feel like she wanted something, and also I'd feel like she has no reason to be in the picture (confused, jealous a little), the adoptive parents can explain anything your husband would want or need to know about his daughter.

The other kids?
Well, of course they are going to have a hard time watching your dad form a bond with this new child, because it will take his attention off them. Even if they are the most unspoiled children, jealousy is sure to be there, so the only thing you can do is to sit down with them and have a frank and honest discussion. Just explain it how it is, Daddy has a child who's older, but wants to be a part of this family and get to know her brothers and sisters. All you can do is to tell them somebody is coming to visit (if they are young), and let the older daughter establish a relationship with them, like let her take the time to play with them, and don't force your kids to be her friend. In time, their own bonds will form.

Having never been in this situation before, this is the best advice I can give.
Hope this helped you a bit.

Answer 2

Wow. Well, if I were you, I would be kind and sympathetic to this child, even if she WASN'T your husband's biological child. The kid may need someone she can call her family, even if you really aren't. There may be an ulterior motive, you will just have to be very careful. The only motive I can think of however is monetary, and if there is no DNA proving that your husband is the father, then there is no obligation to pay anything. I can't imagine how your husband feels, this is very confusing I am sure. Like I said before, it wouldn't hurt to "adopt"( and I don't mean that literally) her, and give her an extra family. You know 14 is a hard age, and if she now THINKS that your husband is her dad, and it turns out he ISN'T, this may be devastating for her emotionally. Your husband could tell her it doesn't matter if he is the father or not, he will be there for her, and help her however he is able to. Same for your children. If they have a new sister, that should be wonderful for them. If the girl isn't blood, then they would at least have a new good friend. Get the DNA done, and if it is your husband's child, then your family will deal with it just fine ( from the sound of your post, you seem to have it all together) If the child is not his, don't offer financial support, but still be someone the child can turn to emotionally. The best of luck to you and your family!

Answer 3

First of all if she's his you might not need a DNA test. Does you husbands family have any pronounced physical traits?

Example: I'm adopted so I don't have my dad's bushy eyebrows but everyone else on that side of the family does.

Second, I agree that she's probably just curious and won't bother you for anything really. Kindness is the best thing you can offer.

As for you, just be calm and kind and supportive. You have your own family and I'm sure there's plenty of love to go around. Be careful not to let yourself become jealous.

It may be more comfortable all around, for your kids, Dad, You and her too (if she already has an adopted dad) if she just called you Aunt & Uncle and was treated like a favorite neice/cousin. At least until everyone is older and more able to handle the details.

Answer 4

I urge you and your husband to be kind and cordial to this young girl. I was adopted as an infant, and I DREAMED of knowing my birth parents.

As I see it, there is no need for an immediate DNA test, as the legal bond has already been severed. Chances are, she is just looking for some history and information so that she can find out more about who she is. DNA shouldn't be a big issue unless things were revolving around finances.

This child HAS parents. Please be an adult about this and be supportive of both the child and your husband. If the girl and your husband decide that they want to establish a relationship and want to know for sure, that is the time to have DNA done.

I know this is hard, but remember, you are an adult, and this is a confused little girl who wants to know where she came from and why she was given away. give her answers and love.

Answer 5

Well a DNA test is a good idea....BUT what is a 14 yr doing w/ adoption info!?!?!? That info is SEALED until they are at least 18. A 14 yr old is going to be much less equipped to deal with the emotions she may feel than an 18 yr old. It seems weird to me she has this info. UNLESS her bio mom raised her, or there was an open adopton where she still was in her life.

If he's the bio dad, take it slow, let everyone slowly get used to one another.

Answer 6

Its a tuff situation for all of you. Its a shame the mother didnt tell your husband. First you should get a DNA test to verifiy if this is his child, then explain to the girl he didnt knew she existed and was to young at the time to take care of a child. If the child is his then be truthful and be in her life if thats what she wants. Alot of emotions and proably anger you all may be feeling buy try to work thru it there is no fault or blame in this scenario.

Answer 7

I guess I missed your question. Are you wondering the actions to take or looking for advice? Either way I would, like you said, ask for a DNA paternity test. That way the daughter and father both know for certain. I would be open about it. You know that it takes a lot of courage to tell your mom and dad (those that raised you) that you would like to seek out your birth parents... especially when you are 14. Be kind. Be polite. Treat her as if you were her standing on a strangers' doorstep with excitement in your heart. Best of luck.

Answer 8

Well, I think you should open the door to that child first, then find out if he is actually the dad, then let her down easy. Do you want to crush this 14 yo and destroy part of her spirit, just because she thinks he is her dad. None of this was her fault. you need to open your heart, let her in, then get some testing done, and if it turns out she isn't, let her know what a special person she is, and that you are all sorry she is not, and that you would like to stay in touch. DON'T CRUSH HER, would you like something like that to be done to your kids, I bet not. Just be nice.

Answer 9

If you are going to do a DNA test try not to make the child feel like we are getting this test because we want to get you out of lives. Reassure her that you want this test so that you will know for sure that he is her real daddy.

Answer 10

All I can say is just be careful. This girl may or may not be your husband's biological child. Be kind to her even if she is not, because she may just be going on what she has been told as to who her father is. I wish you and your family good luck. Also remember, this girl needs a father and if you can help her, then do so.