Why do I feel guilty?

Question

After 17 yrs of marriage, I divorced my husband. Overall, he's a good person, good provider and a great father. Some of you may tell me I should have been satisfied. But I didn't feel his love. Yes, he bought me what I wanted (then again, I worked and contributed 50% towards the household). It was never a strong marriage. We were never really affectionate He wasn't there emotionally, he embarrassed me and he wasn't supportive. For example, there were many times I attend family, functions and weddings without him. I always made excuses for him, he's sick, working, etc. The last straw was when he refused to go on vacation w/the family. We have 2 girls. He said he couldn't take off because of work. I pleaded w/him but he said no. So we went on vacation without him. Things were never the same since. I don't know if he was cheating and it doesn't matter now. My concern are the kids. They are acting out in school, at home, I hate lugging them back and forth from homes,

they are in therapy. It's so sad because we had a beautiful home and we're a broken family. The little one feels Dad is alone and she has been staying w/him for the past 3 months. He's been telling them I am "whoring around" and that "mommy has a boyfriend". SO why do I feel guilty about all this? I know I did the right thing in leaving him but it hurts me to see my kids in pain. I don't want to be alone forever, I'm 38 yrs old and I don'twant to stick them w/ a stepdad. I love my kids and want all of us to be happy. I'm just tired of feeling guilty already.

Answer 1

I would contact an attorney. Have the attorney send a certified letter to your husband concerning his bad-mouthing of you.
When he was about 10, my stepson would come and visit us. Visitation was supposed to be every other weekend but his mom complied only when it was convenient for her. The child complained to his dad because he wanted to see his dad more often. Once, my husband foolishly said "Your mom has to comply with the court order. She doesn't have the right to not allow you to visit".
Apparently he went home, and told his mom (who worked for an attorney). 5 days later we received a letter from an attorney advising us that we were not to talk about the mom. It was "disturbing" to the child. If it happened again, she'd take us to court and we'd pay her legal fees.
My point is, your ex is hurting your children and you have the right to prohibit this. If you can't afford an attorney, go to legal aid, but do it. It's so important for your ex to stop trashing you. He's changing the way they see you. Good luck to you and please, take measures against your hubby. What he's doing is inexcusable.

Answer 2

It sounds that you had expectation that your husband didn't meet.
People marry all the time expecting their spouse to change and then get mad at them for not changing.
When people "fall in love" they are flooded with the idea of a perfect world and having some sort of dream life together.

As we all learn the "in love" feeling fades because we start to learn more about our spouse and not just the good stuff. At some point we reach the transition point from "in love" to "loving". The "loving" part of a relationship is an accepting of the other person for who they truly are and is more realistic than the "in love" stage.

You drew your line in the sand and said "if you don't do what I want its over." That ultramatim was not accepting of who he was, rather a last attempt to move closer to your dream life.

I suspect that your guilt is because you feel that you lost your perfect life that you never had and what you have now is even further away from what you want.

Stop judging your life. Stop focusing on your feelings. Drive yourself to be a good mother and give the only thing that your children really want which is your time and attention. It doesn't matter if its only a few minutes per night give what you can. Believe me if you can do that you will realize that you are giving more to your family than your perfect world could.

Good Luck

Answer 3

First off you're not remarrieing right now so think no more about sticking them with a step dad and wait to remarry after they are 18 dtae and date many mean while. If you know you did the right thing then feel it insdie and out fill yourself and your thoughts with positivity! Do not give in to the negitve. Second off know your children will over come this most of us have and have no other choice to. They are children and individuals with their own minds they are going to act out and rebel but you have to contiue to be strong and set a good example and divorcing your husband will show them that you don't have to settle for someone that will treat you badly!

Answer 4

Dear Alex,

Seventeen years is a long time to spend in a loveless marriage. Your daughters are old enough to know that you are not running around behaving like a whore, as your husband is quick to state. He needs to learn to keep his mouth off of you. He is a sick, sad man.

You need to sit down with the girls over a pizza, just girl time, and let them ask you questions about things concerning them about the divorce. Explain to them that he has a lot of hurt feelings and that is why he is saying ugly things about you. Tell them that they can come to you and talk to you about anything bothering them at any time. The girls need to know that they are important to you and they can talk to you when they are worried. MOM IS ALWAYS HERE FOR YOU is the message they need to hear over and over.

ACT on this right away. You might speak to your ex and tell him that his ugly statements to your daughters about you are hurting the girls, not you.

If it were me, I would NOT let the younger daughter spend more time with her Dad than necessary. He is poisoning her mind against you and doing untold damage to her emotionally. He is working her guilt and hurting her every minute he has her. Don't allow this to continue.

Good luck, and don't hesitate to put the girls in therapy and send him the bill. He's a jerk.

Answer 5

Don't feel guilty. It doesn't sound like he was trying very hard to stop the divorce? Kids do act out when their parents get divorced, but you shouldn't be worried if you brought them up with manners and morals. They won't go too far...
My parents got divorced and they thought I was acting out but I was only enjoying my school years and being mischievious now and then. I never failed in school or came home pregnant. I am now married to a wonderfull man who is a workaholic but he knows where he stands with me. If I talk once he listens. Because I won't wait up, I'll go and enjoy myself and he wants to join me. But I guess after 17 yrs of marriage you couldn't take it anymore, I understand. I told him before we got married, that if this turns out to be one of those marriages where I have to wait and he works all the time, then I want out. He reassured me that it is only now to build up the business and untill we have a baby. But he doesn't work late all the time, and when he does, mostly I stay at work with him aswell. (We work together) So I know there's no affair whatsoever, and he knows that's the only time I'd be willing to go to jail(cause I'd break both their necks). I hope things get better for you. My mom is fine, she met a loving caring husband who cooks and cares for her. My dad on the other hand married a which and she gives the poor man so much grief. But don't be affraid. You'll be fine.

Answer 6

It seems to me that while you are comfortable that you did the right thing in getting divorced, he's clearly not comfortable with it and probably harbours a lot of resentment. That resentment is likely manifesting itself in those accusations.

Why do you feel guilty? That's not easy to answer since only you can know that and you didn't share it with us. However one reason may be because you aren't as comfortable with the decisions you made and as a result you're wondering if it might have been better to leave well enough alone instead of getting divorced.

If that is the case, review the reasons for the divorce. We have a tendency of often forgetting the bad parts as we reminisce about all the good happy parts. I'm sure that the reasons were valid and sound. That should help you overcome these feelings. If that doesn't help, look at the benefits you've achieved since the divorce too. Don't focus on what you've given up, focus instead on a bright happy future that lies ahead. If you do, that it too may settle some of the guilt.

If the guilt is coming from his accusations, recognize that all he can do is offer an opinion and that the opinion can only be based upon his values and perceptions. If you force him to justify his assertions you'll discover quickly enough that they have no basis in reality and that should help you in dealing with the guilt since you'll come to realize that the allegations are baseless. Keep in mind you can only be hurt if you choose to accept the criticisms. If you brush them off as meaningless ravings of a vengeful mind, they can't hurt you.

Of course you're saying he does this with the kids too, so get them to demand a rationale too and before long they'll discover too that the allegations are baseless.

And a third source of guilt could be from the kids. If you look purely at life style, perhaps the kids are worse off now than they were before the divorce. Certainly they seem to be going through a hell of a lot more stress at the moment than they probably did before. And probably you feel guilty for having brought that on.

But again, think about it. They didn't have a family to begin with if he refused to participate in things like a family vacation. In addition, you didn't divorce unilateraly, he contributed towards bringing that outcome on. If you must feel guilty for the divorce, I'd say at worst that you're only half at fault. The other half has to lie with him.

But perhaps think of this in a different way. Kids tend to follow in the footsteps of their parents and they tend to replace their parents often to their own detriment. Getting them out of that environment might give them a chance at a happier life because they won't try to replace their parents, instead maybe they will find partners who really do care. You've removed them from a poor role model too which can only be a benefit in the future.

And, though life may be harder now, it's actually better. Kids who are protected and coddled do not grow up strong and independent and mature. Kids who have it tough do. So you're actually giving them an opportunity for a much more successful meaningful life than had you remained in the marriage.

In terms of the step dad issue, don't worry about that. Start dating for now and see how it goes. It may not be a good idea for your kids to know you're dating but it shouldn't stop you from doing so. Also, don't bring your dates home until your girls are mature enough to be able to accept them as just dates.

If you happen to meet a perfect fellow, there's good odds that he'd understand if you didn't want him as a step dad and perhaps be willing to delay a marriage until after the kids left home. Alternately, you may find that the kids really like him and might even accept him as a step dad. There's really no way to know since it will take quite some time before you'll get to that stage and the kids are growing more every month.

So don't stress yourself with the question of a step dad at the moment. Just get on with rebuilding your life and becomnig happy. In time I'm sure things will work out as your kids continue to grow.

I hope this helps you a little. Good Luck!

Answer 7

You hate it for the kids sake, and rightfully so. Sounds like he's had something on the side for a longgggggg time, and you're just now coming to terms with it. Be the mom you are supposed to be, make him own up to his responsibilities (even if its court mandated) and the kids will see exactly what is going on. The kids are the ones that suffer thru this. So, take the high road, do what you can, and the rest will fall in place. Get counseling for the kids before its too late.

Answer 8

I feel your pain.
He is being very irresponsible to talk ugly about you behind your back. Teach your girls that this is not the way to act-ever. Tell them it is not polite/kind to bad-mouth someone-and you NEVER do it. Don't allow them to either.
YOU HAD a broken home, but you FIXED it. It was not satisfying to you-it was dishonest--even abusive-- and he and you didn't care to fix it. He was not your partner, you were married, but he wasn't.
All of you deserve better.
All of you are better off-since you are NOW in an honest relationship.
Just because it LOOKS good, doesn't mean it IS good.
You will eventually quit beating yourself up, and come to understand that you made a good decision. Hang in there, honey!
MY recommendation is to DECIDE you are not giving them a step-daddy. You and your husband can raise your children together, and THEN you will still have plenty of time to have a love life-once they are out of the house.
This is not to say you shouldn't date, but NEVER bring a guy to your house. Teach your kids that your private life is just that! Do not introduce them to anyone you have not been dating for at least six month. YOU can invite disaster into your home, with one bum!
What was missing, do you know? Remember THAT when you get to thinking it wasn't so bad, and you should fell bad for leaving.
They will act out. It is their way of dealing with something they didn't want, and don't understand. YOu have to be the adult. YOU have to show them that YOU are behaving, even tho you are sad, lonesome, and confused.
Family therapy would help all of you. Good luck. Feel free to email me.
You little one should not be in that environment where he is using her tomake himself feel better. He is poisoning her heart against you. Nip that in the bud. Not for you, but for her! Take him to court if necessary to stop his behavior.

Answer 9

You shouldn't feel guilty. You did the best you could to hold the family together, and even if the kids don't see it now, they will when they get older. You are just going to have to let them work through their own feeling and it may not hurt to get them some counseling, even if it is just through their school.

Answer 10

Your feeling guilty because of how your children are acting. Its ok to feel that way. What you need to do is explain to your ex that its not healthy to tell your children things to make them mad at you because I'm sure they have there own ides. Explain you did what you felt was right for you. That its a problem between the two of you and name calling to the children only makes him look bad.