Should I leave him or stay???

Question

My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 years. We have had two children during this time. I don't feel that we communicate very well. He is very negative when it comes to my ideals, thoughts, wants and needs. Financially he is a good provider. But on an emotional level he sucks. I am always wondering has he stayed with me just for the children or because he loves me. My personality is more aggressive he is very passive. His family has always been neg. from the beginning. However he has stayed. But is it for the children? If he loved me wouldn't I feel more content? I only receive support or attention after I complain. Everything is always about him and his career. Which I have been here taking care of everything at home so he can excel at work. Am I being selfish? I would like more appreciation and attention from him. Is it just not there? He always seems to have more appreciation for a stranger on the street. Not the one that loves him the most.

Answer 1

For a minute there I thought you were talking about my husband. He is the same way. And when I talk to my female friends about him, they say that their husband is the same too. Most men will always "suck" on the emotional level because men aren't wired like us women are in that area. He sounds like most husbands to me. I started complimenting my husband a lot, being a joy for him to come home to, and stopped complaining for attention because the attention I received from that behavior was negative attention. I believe your man loves you. However, I am not so sure how you feel about yourself. Your inner feelings of contentment should be based on how you feel about yourself. I used to feel the exact way you are feeling. I chose to be a homemaker. I chose to quit my high paying job to stay home & take care of the house. If that is what you chose, it is your job to do it now. I don't think you are being selfish at all. I believe that you are just confused. Men won't pat us on the back and tell us how much they loved how we dusted or folded the laundry. I am so grateful that he gets up early everyday, goes to work, does a great job, and then even brings home a paycheck that I am willing to scrub another toilet to show my gratitude. It helps me to find things that interest me. If I rely too much on my husband to meet my emotional needs, it will never happen. I have to meet my own emotional needs. Have you got a hobby you can get lost in? This isn't about him; it's about you and your insecurity. I know, because I was the same way. In my 60 years of life, I have never met a man who is capable of meeting my emotional needs, and neither have any of the other many women I know. I think that it is up to us to meet our own emotional needs. Men feel smothered and pressured when we expect more from them than they are capable of giving us, and it isn't their job to make us feel good about ourselves. Watching the Dr. Phil show and reading his books helps too. : )

Answer 2

You two just need some genuine communication, a meeting of minds so to speak. You've hung in there for ten years together, and I have difficulty believing that you both did that just for the sake of the children because that's a long time to keep up such a charade. Things get stale in the climate of day-to-day routine and everyone needs validation that what they're doing matters and that they're appreciated. And it seems like most of all that's what you're seeking. Fine, you have every right to that. The question then is: how best to go about getting that? First, try to openly discuss this with your boyfriend. If he is unable to "hear" you (because of your communiation difficulties) try to seek outside professional help to help you both develop communication skills that will effectively address your core concerns in ways you can each process. Things can improve, it just might take a little work on both your parts to get things back on track. Good luck to you both.

Answer 3

Personally, if that happened to me, I'd tell him how I felt and that things need to change. I'd tell him in a calm, collected way--not letting him interrupt (but hear him out after you're done speaking), and then I'd tell him the gravity: the future of your relationship is at stake here! He may just be taking you for granted or he actually may just be there for the kids. That's not good bc of sooo many reasons. Maybe you should talk to him about getting the spark back. Maybe set up a date night? If he values you, you should feel it daily. You deserve happiness just as much as the next person! You two owe it to yourselves and kids to communicate better and try hard for each other.

Answer 4

So this is life every one complains about. tsk, tsk, tsk it took you 10 years and 2 kids later to realized that you are unhappy and want to leave, but its too late in the game now darling. To me he seems like a good provider and a stand up guy, even if it for the kids or even though his family does not like you, he has stuck by you. Instead of complaining, try and appreciated your life and family. Rather than posting here, spend time discussing your issues with your man. Yes I said discuss not complain. Good communication is about discussing issues and then finding solutions together. Complaining always makes the other person feeling like you are blaming him for your problems. Relax, control the tone of your voice and choose your word, don't point fingers. Instead of using "I" use "We" or "Us". Hope this helps.

Answer 5

Being together in a live-in relationship for so long has made him tend to take you for granted and that is a bad thing which happens to many who never bother to get married. Either of you could end the relationship and just walk away. He may have thoughts on his mind already of another woman. Knowing you family never approved doesn't help matters, either.

Answer 6

First of all, communicate. Secondly, are you staying, not only for the kids part, but for him to financially keep you up? If he's the only one providing financially, he probably resents you, and doesn't want to support you emotionally. Evidently ya'll have gotten along somehow, with 2 kids in the story. I feel sorry for them. You guys are the adults....work it out.

Answer 7

Ask him why he treats you this way. Being a good provider is very important in a relationship but so is being a good communicator. If he refuses to answer your questions or is disinterested in seeking counseling to see if the relationship can be saved, you have your answer. It will be time to move on with your life without him.

Answer 8

I think you need to ask yourself is it worth it after 10 years? If you can justify to yourself that leaving him will make you happier then go for it, otherwise, talk to him. Ask him the questions you asked here and tell him how you feel. Truthfully, I believe this can be fixed with some good ol fashioned communication.

Answer 9

Well its pretty much up too you if he treating you in a negative way and you think he is just there for kids well might as well leave him or stay with him if you still luv him and you can sit and talk to him saying well why are you treating me differently....

Answer 10

first of all why haven't you married? It's been 10yrs.
the new has worn off, now the routine has taken over, if you think he loves you and you love him, spice it up a bit, change the routine of your lives. Personally I believe that you need to find someone who isn't afraid to sign that dotted line.