How can "kicking your daughter out" really help her, if she has no choice but to be homeless?

Question

My parents did that to me a few yrs ago. They kicked me out b/c I didn't have a good job at the time(despite jobsearching, it took a while to find a job after college & I was working retail in the meantime...trust me, NOT my choice!) & they assumed they worst. I wrote about this before & a lot of people suggested that it was "tough love" & taught me important lessons. Sometimes it might be true, but for my scenario I'd disagree.

How can I get ahead in life, or obtain a decent job, when I already had a lot of odds stacked against me at that time in my life?
- when they kicked me out, I was homeless & had no true friends to stay with, so I was stuck living on the streets
- I had no car to sleep in or drive to places; I also lived in the country, where mass transit is inaccessible
- I was already having a hard time finding a job due to the classic lack-of-experience Catch 22
- I had no cell phone, therefore no way for employers to contact me for interviews or to verify my existence

- A lot of employers are unwilling to hire you if you're homeless(therefore, I tried pretending that I still lived at my parents' place, but that eventually backfired & made me look like a liar)
- my credit was shot, so when I finally got $ for a deposit months later, hardly anyone was willing to rent to me
- my credit was another reason that a lot of banks & finance jobs wouldn't hire me(I couldn't even get past 1st interview for a $8.50/hr bank teller job!)
- being homeless exposed me to dangers on the street, along w/ depression problems that could have potentially further perpetuated things

I had tried my hardest to find a good job, & spent my hrs at my old college's library, jobsearching online. I applied to a restaurant & they didn't let me work as a server, but placed me as a hostess making $5.15/hr & would only give me 7hrs/week due to being overstaffed. Desperate, I eventually surrendered to working (legal) at a place that had money opps but my parents woulda disapproved

I didn't tell my parents that I was on the street & struggling(despite jobsearching)...I was such a doormat back then. They didn't even speak to me until they saw that I was making $, but ha--little did they know that I was making $ at an adult bar that they'd never approve of. A yr later when we'd made up & I told them just a tip of the iceberg about how bad I'd had it, my parents apologized & told me that they regret kicking me out. They said that if they knew I'd have it half that bad, that they would have never done it in the first place.

And people tell me that I should THANK my parents for kicking me out? For what?...it wasn't eye-opening as far as working, b/c I was never a lazy person to begin with. Thank them for learning how to lie about my job? The disapproved job that I took on, is 100X worse(but it's legal) than ANY of the "defiant" things that my parents disapproved of when I was growing up in their house.

Oh and must I mention another hindrance I had while being homeless: The risk of getting arrested! Apparently cops can and do arrest people for "vagrancy" or sleeping on streets. I used to sneak into my old college's lounge & sleep there, hoping people assumed I was a student that fell asleep while studying(I myself did that tons of times before). I'd never been arrested a day in my life, but I put myself at high risk for getting a criminal record...which would have FURTHER perpetuated money & job problems!

And don't suggest shelters...the shelters in my city are abusive, overcrowded, & dangerous. When I checked a shelter, they were overfilled & unable to take me anyway. When I started reading up on shelters, I was so disgusted & fearful of them.

kwbfirst: I already have a college degree. I had already finished college when my parents kicked me out.

However, my college refused to give me my diploma when I completed school, b/c I owed them tuition money. (I didn't qualify for aide other than a small Stafford loan, my parents refused to cosign any loans, & I was only able to charge so much of tuition on credit card b/c my credit cards had small limits) Not having my diploma is one more thing that hindered me from getting jobs(although at the time, I was less concerned w/ getting a job paying an entry-level Bachelor's salary, & more desperate to just get ANY job that paid enough to survive on). The owed tuition is one of the things that ruined my credit, making it hard to get an apartment or any banking job. As soon as I'd found a place to live, I worked 14hr days to pay off my owed tuition so that I could get my diploma & use it.

Millie: Thank you, and yes I am doing better. I've come a long way in a very short time, partly due to my strong work drive(I've always been motivated), and partly due to the fact that I worked at the godforsaken disapproved bar as a way to get quick $ and enable me to get back on solid ground. If I hadn't surrendered to working at the disapproved bar, I would probably STILL be struggling! It was THAT HARD for me to get a job!

It took a while, but eventually I was able to get decent jobs...so I left the disapproved bar for good!(I only did it to literally save my life)

To Romans: The retail job didn't pay enough money to qualify for even a small efficiency. And after holiday season, they laid me off. The only job I could find was at a restaurant, & they made me a hostess but gave short hours. Gee the $ I made as a hostess made my previous retail paycheck look good!

When I lived at my parents', I paid a small weekly rent. One of the problems my parents had w/ me was that they were strict & I would argue w/ them about it. There were even times that I argued w/ them about doing the "right thing," such as attending college...my mom was convinced that it was a waste of $, but I wanted to go. When I couldn't find a job after being an A student in college, my mom used me as her "poster child" for her theory that it was a waste of $.

At least you had your bf to live with...I had nobody.

I agree that a parent has to let their kid out on their own, or teach them a lesson, but not that harshly. There's a boundary line b/t lesson learned & cruelty.

To babeedoll05: I understand that you have to work hard & not dwell on complaining about the past. Just to let you know, I worked VERY hard when I was homeless, even took on questionable jobs just to pay bills, & now I'm doing much better. I hated my parents the whole time I was homeless, but I would work hard WHILE I was complaining. I only see complaining to be a problem if it hinders you from getting work done...I would silently complain as I was getting stuff completed.

I also agree w/ the person who didn't hate his parents until much later, when he had his own kid. I can relate. I resented my parents on days when I was homeless & tired & was outside in the cold all night, but I didn't realize just how harsh my scenario was until later, when I had a better lifestyle to compare it to. I also have passive-aggressive disorder and "delayed reaction" syndrome, where sometimes I do not allow myself to feel or react to unpleasant things until much later.

Answer 1

I would never do that to my kids, I don't see how it could have helped-it's even a dangerous thing to do! So sorry about what you went through. Tough love may have it's place but not when it endangers people!
best of luck to you.

Answer 2

My mother kicked me out shortly after I graduated from high school. She told me I was 18 and no longer her responsibility. I didn't get the option to stay & pay rent. I took a job in a small restaurant & saved my money and ended up getting a place with my boyfriend. But it made me stronger, reliable, determined, and more independent.

You said you were working in retail when your parents kicked you out. If you had a job, couldn't you have checked the paper for an efficiency apt or someone who had a room to rent?

I am sorry you had to learn the hard way, but it IS tough love. You are FORCED to learn how to survive on your own, and I believe more parents should do this instead of coddling their children & letting them live at home until they're 25 or 30 years old. Of course, I also believe parents should begin preparing their children for life in the real world no later than their first year of high school.

There's always two sides to every story - I'm thinking we aren't getting them both. If you had a job and were living at home, were you paying rent? Helping around the house? Or were you bringing drama to YOUR PARENTS' HOME by insisting they treat you as an adult without you behaving like one? There's more to being an adult than chronological age - it's a maturity issue. We have a 22 year old daughter, but she still acts like she's in high school most of the time...

Answer 3

whoa, that's a tough one.

are there programs around that can help you find employment?

with the lack of experience thing, start small, and work your way up. i have many friends (myself included) that started by flipping burgers, then moving up to retail/mail room then receptionist, etc. etc. until they got a break/got promoted/etc. don't sell yourself short on the lack of experience thing--you have a college degree, and that proves that you can think.

i left home just before college because i couldn't take the abusive environment anymore. while i was fortunate enough to have friends who let me crash on their couches (and thank God for student loans!), i often went without food to pay the rent. in terms of work experience, i walked into jobs and let them exploit me so that i could get the work experience i needed to get ahead (i.e. pay me minimum wage for work that requires a professional, no pay for overtime, no vacation time and having me do the job of 2.5 people etc.) now, i am not saying this is a good thing, but i wanted something badly, and i saw everything as a means to an end. i lived with crazy people and in basements so that i could have cheap rent and moved every two years depending on where my job was.

it's been 12 years of this insanity and i am finally seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. i am 31 and i bought my first car 4 months ago (yes, it's 12 years old, but it's MINE), and i have only had a cell for the past 2 years. 2 months ago i landed my dream job where i am finally being paid decently... and i got it because of all the 'exploitive' experience i had from prior. in a year i will be buying my first home (god, my first real home... it makes me emotional thinking about it...)

my point is this... you are where you are, and you cannot afford to feel sorry for yourself. that will be a bigger obstacle than your parents kicking you out. set up the time to talk to counsellors, set goals for yourself and strive to rise above the challenges you have. many, many people have been in your shoes and have turned out alright. it's not impossible if you embrace your challenges and get very stubborn about not letting them beat you. read lots on people who have overcome challenges and get some inspiration and faith that you will get through this, because you will.

i wish you well.

Answer 4

I ran away because my parents were too strict and expected me to be perfect therefore I could never live up to their expectations. I know what it is like to be desperate, sometimes when it was raining I used to sleep out the back of a realestate agents office. I would lean a For Sale sign on an angle against the wall and lie underneath it. At the time I didnt hate or even blame my parents f but when I got older and especially after I had a child I felt angry at them.
Now its in the past it is safe for you to look back. You need to do this to put it behind you. I am sorry you had to go through that, you didnt deserve it. Your parents were supposed to protect you and they didn't. Shame on them.
I hope you can get over it and really move on.
Dont have your parents in your life on their terms.be proud of yourself, act your true self infront of them, explain to them how much what happenned effects your life. If they dont like it you dont need them. They taught you that.
All my best wishes

Answer 5

What your parents did is unconscionable- but the only thing YOU can do now, is prove how wrong they were to do it by overcoming all of the obstacles THEY placed in your path to success. There are a ton of schools out there that would be understanding of your situation (community colleges would be a good start). Good luck- just remember- they're wrong- but focus on moving foward.

Answer 6

Sorry they are your parents, but that was completely unfair, insensitive and irresponsible on their part. Just because you're a grown up doesn't mean you're no longer their child. We have two sons and as long as they follow the house rules, be respectful to us, and they show they are financially responsible for themselves, they can live with us as long as they want.

I wish you're doing better now.