Get Married or Quit?

Question

My bf and I are together for seven years. He recently asked me to marry him but I am not certain if I should. He recently quit his private practice and joined a large corporation in order as he explained, we both can benefit from it. He failed to discuss anything with me about this merge ( I assume because I was skeptical about giving up his own business) including a three day trip with the new partners where spouses/girlfriends/boyfriends were not invited. After he joined and signed all the contract documents he was telling me that he did this for my benefit. But how could I benefit if we are not legally married??? What bothers me is, he ask me to get married after everything was done and the decision was made already, by himself ONLY. He also avoided to talk about any topic I wanted to talk about, and he does so until today. If I bring up something what bothers me, he ignores my question and instead of giving me an explanation he starts to talk about something else. It makes me angry and frustrated and I would say things I really don’t mean but he drives me with his ignorance and lack of communication to the edge.
I have worked very hard for this relationship to work, we had a lots of downs in the beginning because of his need to flirt everywhere he went. His previous marriage and relationships broke because of infidelity of both part and LACK OF COMMUNICATION. But he really changed in that aspect of infidelity. We love each other and I can’t imagine my life without him, but I don’t want to live in a relationship either where my need of communicating issues are being ignored.
Id rather us both be happy separate than miserable together I love him very much and wish we could get past this but I don't think that’s a realistic expectation. If anyone has any advice of any kind it would be appreciated. Thanks and have a great day!

Answer 1

It sounds like you are a very level headed person and are really looking at all the different angles of your relationship. Overcoming personality issues and problems is something all couples deal with. It takes a while before you get to a point where they kind of level out. I think the one thing to keep in mind is whether this relationship would make you happy. I always say that the keys to any good relationship is communication, problem solving and compromise. Both couples have to be committed and willing to work on these areas together otherwise things just don't work. Emotional feelings often get in the way of making good choices for our lives but in your case I think you have really thought this through. I would be point blank with your bf and let him know what problems you see the two of you having and why your are apprehensive to say yes to marriage. Be very honest and let him know that him making decisions which are suppose to be benefiting both of you should be discussed by both of you and a decision should be mutual. Don't allow him to change the subject and if he does say this is part of the problem as well. Do what you think is best for you and will make you happy?

Answer 2

There are a few issues at stake here.. 1. If you are getting married the 4 children should be looked at as 'yours' - meaning both of yours to support and be proud of. 2. I would have to agree that living together as a "trial run" is not fair to the children (hers or yours). That being said I would take a vacation together, spend a few weekends at each others house and make sure the children all get along. Yes they will fight as all siblings do but if they can't get along they can destroy your marriage. 3. Now as for her quitting her job- In this day and age that is crazy. With 4 kids to feed, support and send to college? Unless your salary is in the millions I don't see that as possible- maybe part-time but definitely not quit. To me it seems you have jumped into the proposal without considering the ever after that follows the wedding. You two need to sit down and talk and have a serious what do I expect in the future conversation.

Answer 3

If there is no communication there is no relationship. Remeber that it is a partnership not a dictatorship and you SHOULD have equal say in decisions about your future. If he can't or won't accept that then there is and never will be hope for any kind of liveable future for both of you together. Discuss this with him. Explain your feelings on the matter and set down the ground rules. Allow a reasonable amount of time to see results and if they don't happen- I'm afraid you will never be able to come to terms that you can live with together. If he can't listen or hear what you are saying then what happens later when other problem come up?

Answer 4

You don't say if your living together or just a couple for 7 years. I'll assume you are living together in which case things should have been 50/50 from the day you moved in together. My fiance and I have been living together for 4 years and share everything, from the bills to the decisions concerning our every day lives. When I started with a new company he was my support, the one that helped me see I was smarter than even I had ever dreamed I was. When the day to day grind got me down he was there to lift me up. It was the same with his job, when he finished up one job and they wanted to relocate him to an area that was going to separate us thru the work-week, I didn't dissuade him, we looked at every angle and he made his decision based on that. He has a harder time on personnel issues concerning his boys than I do with my girls but I have always been more open to my family than he has, he had to shoulder his divorce and parenting by himself when she abandon them for another man. Little by little he is opening up about how hard is was on him and the boys. We didn't just get lucky in our communication skills with one another, we worked on it as a couple, we both had to learn to trust each other. We don't talk marriage, when/if it's right we'll know it, but for now we are happy doing things together. Making decisions together is what being a couple is about...not about what to have for supper, whether to eat home or out, not even what time to go to bed at night...but decisions on buying a new car, job career changes, becoming parents, inviting friends/family over, redecorating the house and I'll even go as far as changing your appearance should be something you would talk over with the person you loved.

If you do not live together but are in a relationship 7 years I would think the least he could have done was talk things over with you, get your views on the ideas he has especially if his plans for the end result were going to effect both of you. Some people don't think they are being sneaky or evasive or rude when they do things without consulting others, it is just their nature to take charge of their own affairs and be damn with what anyone else thinks

Answer 5

You have to have communication for any marriage to work. If you can't talk about things, how are you ever going to work out any problems? Try going to a counselor or to your church, and get some help with the communication before you decide to get married. Good luck

Answer 6

yeah stay away from that one. girl if he isnt thinking about you now what makes you think he will after you two are married? he can't discuss huge financial decisions now he wont then either.
as far as you know he has changed but then once a cheat always a cheat. as far as lack of communication-that will never change either.
sounds like you are in for one heck of a bumpy ride girl. pick which seat you want to be riding in and go. either drive or ride thats up to you

Answer 7

Was wondering is he like this too when he is with his parents or siblings? If he is unwilling to communicate with you, u will face huge problems after ur marriage.
Is it possible to approach his frens or family for help? Sometimes those who are close to him can get him talk about the topic that u want to discuss, is there any close fren around that is close to both of u whom can be the bridge in between now?

Answer 8

You answered your question in your first sentence..you said"But I am not certain if I should". If you are not certain, do not do it yet. Wait until you are sure..Marriage is a big step..it has it's ups and downs..when those downs come it's better to face them some one you love and trust...So if I were you..I would wait..

Answer 9

You guys should go to couple's therapy to work on your communication before you get married. This will help you see if he is willing to work with you or not before you tie the knot. Good luck and congratulations.

Answer 10

Go with your gut feeling on this, if it was me I'd want to be happy.