im 13, this is a poem i wrote about a boy getting drunk. constructive critisim please.
Sitting in a room,
third beer within my klutch.
Feeling guilty now,
promised mom,
"Won't drink to much."
Want to get back to the party,
be with all my friends.
Maybe we can be together when the party ends.
Drinking with the football team,
having quite a ball.
Beginning to fell dizzy,
and then I start to fall.
At first the pain is deep,
for my head had hit the floor.
But the boys begin to laugh,
so I think I need some more.
Going on my eighth and I'm feeling pretty good.
Though I know I've drinken more then I really
ever should.
Then I take the keys,
and being to pull away.
The brutal ending to my life,
on that night in
May.
2007-06-20 13:35:58 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Damn I guess I'm dumb
Because now I'm not drunk I'm dead
I proly killed someone else
What a frickin' butt head
2007-06-20 13:42:02 · answer #1 · answered by c_o_l_e_82 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
for a 13 yr old, it's pretty good. try not to rhyme though because that takes more thinking then it should be. let the poem flow out of you as if you're telling a story. f you can get the reader to picture it and feel the feeling you're trying to get across then it's a great poem. just let it come to you instead of trying to pull something out of you. for instance, this is a poem i wrote a few months ago:
World built in 7 days,
Bible and cross states.
Life never began,
Always ending.
Expect happiness,
Hide tears, fears, depression.
Dress this way,
Hang with this crowd.
So much expected,
Little to breathe, think.
Book of rules,
No strikes, fouls, balls.
First miss,
You’re out.
Skinniness is hot,
Lose weight,
Or hide in shadows.
Inner beauty never recognized,
Look this way,
In this crowd.
Other way,
Different crowd.
Every star glowing,
Beauty ness, personality, inner self,
Found everywhere,
In everyone.
Expect the unexpected.
2007-06-20 20:41:29 · answer #2 · answered by Mandie 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Woa deep i cant have any critisism because its way too good. the only thing i have to say is that you have such a good heart why did the poem have to be about a drunk boy. Aside from that you are a very deep girl and you have a gift. Girl, if you ever have a boyfriend you can charm him easily for sure
2007-06-20 20:39:41 · answer #3 · answered by smart smart. 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Very sad and touching poem* but tis Reality* so it hits home~ Alot of young kids as well as adults , tend to drink..then over drink..get behind the wheel of a car...and tragically end their life or a life of another~
Your poem shows that...Good Job* Show your English Teacher she'd be proud*~
2007-06-20 20:40:23 · answer #4 · answered by friskymisty01 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
VT girl, what I like about this poem is that it is powerful...it has meaning! Even though you asked for constructive CRITICISM, but I really don't have one bad word to say about this poem. Keep up the excellent work girl!!
2007-06-20 20:41:02 · answer #5 · answered by sunpansy14 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow that brought a tear to my eye seriously! is that a true story? its really sad but a good poem! real emotion was put into that!
much love...
xoxo
2007-06-20 20:42:26 · answer #6 · answered by lkjhyuio 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's very sad but it happens every day in real life
2007-06-20 20:41:17 · answer #7 · answered by rhonda h 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not bad!!However the word is not drinken.It should be..........Though I know I"ve "drank" more than I really ever should.
Hope this is not about someone you know.
2007-06-20 20:42:52 · answer #8 · answered by sonnyboy 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well some parts were kinda morbid but i think it was a good poem
2007-06-20 20:40:09 · answer #9 · answered by irkenelite_4389 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow! you are really good! Now I know why you said that my poems were bad....even though it made me sad that you said that.. yours are really good!
2007-06-20 21:04:31 · answer #10 · answered by jeslynthompson 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋