Your daughters' mother-n-law to be; offers to take her and buy her wedding gown without me being present. Says she will pay for it and I can pay her back?
2007-06-20 10:44:28 · 26 answers · asked by Janet C 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
I have been the mother of the bride. I know where your coming from. It was a special time for my daughter & myself & we enjoyed sharing it.
Some points that would upset me about your situation:
1) Mother knows best. Your daughter will rely on your opinion about what dress suits her the most.
2) The bridegrooms mother should NOT SEE the brides dress till the wedding day IN THE CHURCH.
3) This is a special moment between mother & daughter & probably one of the last before she becomes a Mrs.
4) Even the bridal sales assistants recognise this moment & usually the mother of the bride is treated as a very important person & her opinion is rated highly by the sales assistants.
5) It's fun.
6) Why is the future mil paying for the dress but wanting payback at a later date - is this her form of CONTROL over what YOUR DAUGHTER wears?
7) Is this a glimpse of what future mil will be like - think about her control when the g'kids come along - your poor daughter!
8) If future mil pays for the dress & leaves you out your daughter will feel obliged to go with the dress that her future mil prefers. IT WILL NEVER BE YOUR DAUGHTERS OWN WEDDING DRESS CHOICE. How sad!
My solutions:
I would just 'drop the subject' with the future mil. Just arrange to go & look at bridal gowns with your daughter quietly. Future mil doesn't need to know. When the dress is chosen still remain quiet. When future mil brings the dress up in conversation just say, very surprised, "Oh, daughters name here, had some spare time & spotted a gorgeous dress, she tried it on & loved it, it was perfect so she got it on the spot. I'm sure you'll like it on the wedding day. It was a spur of the moment thing &, daughters name here, was just so lucky. She walked in & her dress was there. Shes so excited about it".
Do not let mil SEE the dress. Tell her its still at the shop getting some adjustments made. The dress is not the mil area for weddings.
If you or your daughter can't afford that very expensive dress then buy what you can afford. Or have it made. But get what your daughter wants not the future mil.
This way you are avoiding any hurt feelings or arguments.
Don't let her pay for the dress in the first place & take the control away from her.
2007-06-20 11:09:33 · answer #1 · answered by Kathy T 3 · 5⤊ 0⤋
Does she have a daughter of her own? If not this may be her sole opportunity to go have all the fun, share in the laughter and tears. I think she is just excited and wants to be included in the female part of the plans and arrangements. Being mother of the groom is pretty boring...not much input... At least she is showing an interest and making an effort to bond with your daughter.
However I would not send your daughter off with her; you NEED to be there too! Invite her along, make it a threesome, or since 3 is often an awkward number perhaps the maid of honor could also accompany you.
Tell her (gently but firmly) that you appreciate her wanting to have a share in the choice/day and she is welcome to be included HOWEVER this is a day you have been dreaming about since the day your daughter was born, the day you help her choose her wedding gown, and over your dead body will you be excluded.
Also if you are there you can enforce your budget (whatever that may be)
2007-06-20 11:06:48 · answer #2 · answered by Karen W 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would be pretty annoyed...buying the dress is a mother/ daughter thing. Can you not afford to buy the gown yourself? It is nice of the MIL to offer to pay for it, if you cannot. BUT you are going to be paying her back. As you say, it is a loan, so you deserve to be there. Tell your daughter you want to be there, you should be there. Just because she is paying for it for now, does not give her the right to be in charge. Sounds like this lady is a tad domineering and you daughter might NEED you there as back up, so she gets her dream dress and not a dress the Mother in law insists on.
Good luck with it.
2007-06-20 10:56:01 · answer #3 · answered by bluegirl6 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I would say ok, why you ask because it is not your wedding it is your daughters and if she is comfortable with the mother-in-law paying for the dress then that is what the mother in law is going to do. I think it is more of a pride thing or your side, if you are willing to pay her back then that is fine if you are not then you two need to come to some agreement with our upsetting the bride which is your daughter. So I would put my pride aside for my daughter and let the mother in law pay for the dress so that my daughter will be happy.
2007-06-20 10:52:53 · answer #4 · answered by Danielle 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
That is a special moment between a mother and daughter or even between a daughter and her father. I can understand that she's trying to be a part of her life and this moment too but you're the family right now not her. And how is it that she will buy it and you will pay her back for it. You might as well go with her and get it done. Maybe you can just say that you're going to go with them and that way it takes care of this problem. It's your daughter...remember that. Take charge and don't step back. Good Luck
2007-06-20 10:48:57 · answer #5 · answered by ediabullo 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
This is the ultimate in disrespect and I would be devastated!. What was your daughter thinking? If mom-in-law offered to pay for the wedding dress, then so be it! Decline and let her pay! You need to sit down with your daughter and explain to her that this was a very disrespectful and hurtful thing to do. Ask her how she would like it if she were asked to pay for a very, very expensive dress without even being given the courtesy of seeing it or sharing in the moment. She needs to know that YOU were looking forward to doing those things with her and sharing in those moments and now those moments have been taken away from you and all you are left with is the bill. Tell her that you don't like the feeling of being treated like a money bag and if your future mother-in-law was the one you wanted to be with during this moment, then perhaps she should be the one to pay for it.
2007-06-20 11:22:52 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
I would not agree with that ... it is up to your daughter if she wants to take people with her to get her dress. Usually the bride will go alone to pick out some contenders and then bring a few people back another time to pick between her top choices. I would talk to your daughter and see what she has to say. Do not let her mother-in-law to be take control of your daughter's wedding ... it is her day and no one else's.
2007-06-20 12:54:43 · answer #7 · answered by VAWeddingSpecialist 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why can't both mothers be there? Is that the future mother-in-law or the daughter talking? And if you're not welcome to come along, why are you expected to pay?
You need to have a talk with your daughter. If she's party to this plan, then there's something wrong and you need to find out what's going on in her head. If she isn't, then she needs to know her future mother-in-law is pulling this crap.
Either way it's incredibly presumptuous to expect the mother of the bride to pay for a gown she isn't allowed to see the pricetag on before it's bought.
2007-06-20 11:06:32 · answer #8 · answered by gileswench 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
This isn't about money, although it is nice of you to pay! The experience of seeing your daughter try on wedding dresses is priceless. I would tell your daughter or the future MIL that you appreciate the offer, but you were really planning on going with her to try on dresses. You can always invite the MIL to attend too. Definitely explain how important it is to your daughter if you don't do anything else!
2007-06-20 10:51:37 · answer #9 · answered by Nic 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I think my Mom would have been heartbroken had of my fiance's mother and I gone to shop for my wedding gown. I couldn't imagine going with anyone other than my own Mom either. I don't think my Mom would have any sort of deal where my future mother in law pays for the dress up front first either, actually I KNOW she wouldn't. Really touchy ground I think. I don't really know how you feel about it though, and I guess it just matters what you think about it.
Take care! :)
2007-06-20 13:00:19 · answer #10 · answered by Kass 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋