my boyfriend is decieving me and going behind my back looking at swingers sites?

Question

please all help wanted. especially males. do i leave him? what du think hes up to? help me

Answer 1

Talk to him about it. If he is untrustworthy you should definitely leave him. Good luck!!
Christina

Answer 2

I didn't read all the answers you'd received before posting this, but I felt obligated, when I read your question, to be sure to provide you with a tidbit of information. Some swingers are looking for single men for what they call "play", and your bf may be hoping to snag one of those. Those are fairly rare, I understand, because most swingers are looking for other couples, and, to a lesser degree, single women. Did you know that it is the fantasy of some men to have sex with a woman while her husband watches? Your bf may be one of these. If so, he would make a perfect match for a couple in which the husband wants to watch while his wife has sex with another man. Just FYI.

Answer 3

Swingers = People who swap sex partners... Its not cheating, its more like sharing...

All in all, men looking at porn and doing this stuff is fairly harmless. Guys who visit sites usually dont follow through with any of it, they just look at it because they are curious to see whats out there... I'd suggest not worrying about it until its actually a real problem.

Answer 4

Why dont you ask him? If you intend to spend your life with some one then you should be prepared to talk about stuff like this if it's upsetting you. Maybe he just likes the idea of swinging, it doesn't mean he is doing it now, or even that he would do it if you didn't want to. Maybe he is Bi curious, or just plain kinky. Would you leave him in the event he is any of these things?

You need to talk.

Answer 5

how long have you been with him? Did you know that he might like to have a two some with other people. Maybe he is looking for another couple to get it on with. Look are you really sure he is looking at these sites? or is someone else us the computer-maybe a friend? before you get bend out of shape ask him!

Answer 6

Well, you've posted this three times that I can tell, so you are pretty distraught about it, which you have every right to be.

You said in another post you had talked about it in the past, but that you don't want to, and that is fine. Swinging isn't for everyone or everyone would be doing it. One of the big givens of swingers is that nobody pushes the other to do anything they aren't comfortable doing. This should be carried over into everyone's life. Nobody should push their partner/spouse to do anything they don't want to, whether it's sexual or not. No means no. Coercing, manipulating or convincing someone to do something they don't want to do will only make them angry and resentful. It doesn't matter what it is.

He may be trying to fulfill his group sex fantasies without you. I can tell you though that it is very, very tough for a single male in the swinging lifestyle. Many single (or married men posing as single guys so they can cheat on their wife) think that getting with swingers will be an easy way to get some non-committal sex. They soon find out that they are very wrong.

First, there are more single men on swingers websites looking to have sex with someone else's wife than there are couples willing to include single men in their sexual play. Most couples have had too many bad experiences with single men being disrespectful and lecherous. Very few single men ever get past an email exchange with a couple. Very few.

Second, swinging is not about cheating, it's about ultimate honesty, and a guy trying to use swingers to cheat on his wife is not only frowned upon, he's despised. And swingers get a good handle on sniffing-out the phonies. Most swingers will not jeopardize someone else's marriage because swingers on the whole put allot of emphasis on marriage. No swinger wants the possible drama that could ensue should a wife find out about her cheating husband. Swinging is supposed to be fun, not drama-laden.

Should you leave him? I can't answer that for you because I only have a snapshot of your total relationship here. But I would talk with him, non-confrontational wise, and tell him that you know he has put profiles on these sites and ask him what he is looking for there. You may be surprised and all along you could easily fulfill every fantasy yourself.

But all too often people are afraid to be open and honest with their partner/spouse because they are afraid of hurting them. It's always amazed me that people will be more open about their sexual fantasies with complete strangers than with the one that they should be able to be the most honest and open with... their spouse or partner. But so often when they are open with them their spouse or partner gets insecure, hurt and jealous because instead of listening with an open mind, they take it personally and think that they are not "enough" or not "adequate" for their spouse/partner. So they set-up the situation where their spouse/partner won't be honest and tell them anything because they don't want to deal with the hurt and the possible fight.

So you have to make it safe for him to say what's on his mind, whether you agree with it or not. It doesn't mean you have to do whatever he says to make him happy. You simply have to listen with an open mind and heart and understand that what he feels is important and valid to him. To get hurt or angry just discounts his feelings and makes him feel less important to you or that you think he is a freak, which is the last thing he wants to feel.

You just have to hear him out and tell him "I see what you are saying." "I can see why you feel that way." "Wow, I never knew you thought that way." Don't belittle him for his fantasies or thoughts or feelings. Validate them. Then, if it is something you are willing to do let him know. If it isn't let him know why, don't just say "no" and not give him an explanation of why you aren't comfortable with something. This doesn't have to be swinging. It might be anal sex or something that he wants that you are not comfortable with. Just don't say "no", tell him what your concerns or fears are. Otherwise all he hears is you being "unreasonable" and not caring about him or validating his feelings and fantasies.

Do this, and you'll open-up a whole new line of communication with him that you never knew was possible. Make it safe for him to discuss anything with you and he'll love and trust you even more than he, or you, thought possible.

After all, if you can't tell your spouse EVERYTHING about you, who can you tell?

Answer 7

He's a freak and he wants to stir thngs up in the bedroom. Either you're into that, or you're not. If you're not freaky, he's probably looking for freaks on that site. Leave him if that's not something you're comfortable with. Right now he's just looking, but if he's lookin, it's only a matter of time before he does it-- with or without your knowledge.

Answer 8

If he is chatting yes. If he is not willing to stop and it bothers you, you should. If he just wanted to look at pictures of girls that are plenty of other places for him to look besides swinger sites. So if he is not willing to stop odds are he is chatting and cheating or getting ready to.

Answer 9

If he's just looking no problem, if he's making contact, maybe a problem. Some of love looking at everyday people having illicit fun, live through there adventures in our fantasies.

Answer 10

what do you mean he is looking at swingers sites? do you mean other girls? I mean I would totally break up with him if he was doing that bc what is the point if he devoted his heart to you and is sneaking behind your back with another? what if he promised the same thing to other women? Not to be the pessimist here but...... he is ?????

Answer 11

I do not think you should break up with him.
Talk to him about it, Let him no how much this bothers you. Maybe he is just curious or wants to swing, is not wrong for him to feel this way. If its not wrong for you not to feel the way he does,either. Maybe you both can work something out.