My mom had cancer and it might of came back... my family is pressuring me?

Question

I am away from my family they live in Texas and I live with boyfriend in California I moved over here to peruse my career and am doing very good love my job at the moment and like my life very much so….

The beginning of this year she was diagnose with Brest cancer she has other major heart problems and already had an open heart surgery 6yrs ago. She finished her chemo and the process of her going through chemo was very bad she was very ill my entire family wanted me to go back to Texas and take care of my mother for the reason that I am the only one in my immediate family that is not married or has kids they judged me because I didn’t I only visited very often.

Today I received a call from my sister at work letting me know that my mom just went for a doctor visit and it is very likely the cancer has came back I don’t know what to do because they told her body can not take any more chemo…

I really do not want to move back I feel terrible I love my mother and I don’t want her to leave us! I do feel pressured to go to her but I am terrified of leaving my current life am I a horrible daughter? I feel like I am going crazy I don’t think I can stand seen my mother sick like I did before.

Also every time I try to tell my boyfriend he avoids talking about it and I feel he gets distant from me.

By the way I do go see my Mother every Month for a weekend... but my family wants me to move back to my mother and fathers home and take care of her.
That is what i dont know how to handel I love my mother but i dont want to move back... i also feel like a bad person because i dont want to move back.

Answer 1

This is not fair to you, you are trying to have a life and your selfish family wants to destroy it. Perhaps an alternative to you taking care of her is that your family and you search for a place or service that can provide the care to your mom and you all put in to pay for the care, this is fair and you still have your life and everybody could or should be happy. Good Luck.

Answer 2

This is a very touchy situation... If you go you risk losing a good job/boyfriend and if you don't you will have tremendous guilt from family... Is there a way you can take a leave from work and still come back in 6 weeks? Most places do have a FMLA you just have to check your works policy... Also, has your family thought about having live in healthcare...Like a visiting nurse or 24hour service..? Some of these are covered by health insurance.. It would take the burden off the family... However, I would suggest you at least try and make the effort to go home and help in any way that you can.. If a boyfriend loves you he'll understand and be supportive.. If he can't then there are other fish in the sea... Same goes for jobs...Good luck with whatever you decide....

Answer 3

Sounds like the other family members are putting the pressure on because they don't want to take care of her, because they have a life and they might not think you do. (since your not married and all) Don't let them force you into doing anything you don't want to do. And don't blame yourself if you don't feel like you can drop everything and move to take care of your mom. Not everyone is cut out for that kind of duty. It's hard watching someone die. I don't think your mom would want you to move and upset your life right now. Have you talked to her about this at all?
I have gone through cancer 14 years ago and I would never put my kids though that, having to put their life on hold for me. Try not to beat yourself up over this, you didn't cause it just because you live in Calf. now. Talk to your mom and tell her how you feel, then tell your sister to back off. She might feel like it's not fair that she has to deal with it and you get to be out of it for the most part. I'm sure if truth be told she wishes she was the one in Calif. Good Luck

Answer 4

Being a breast cancer survivor, I can identify what you mom went through and knowing the toll that chemo can put on a weakened heart is also difficult. I am also a sister of a breast cancer survivor so I can identify with wanting to have family there to help. BUT, you also need to take care of yourself. I would suggest you have a conference call with your family and discuss the possiblity of hospice care for your mom. That way all your family can get the emotional support they need during your mom's remaining days. My sister's mother-in-law just passed on Saturday and her family found hospice to be very beneficial.

Answer 5

I'm so sorry that you are put in this position, and that your mother is so ill. My own mother died of cancer many years ago, and I couldn't imagine not being with her when she died, but, it's a very difficult thing to watch. I understand your hesitation. You have to take everyone elses thoughts and feelings about what you should or shouldn't do out of the equation, and ask yourself what you feel the right thing to do would be. And don't worry about being judged--what's the right thing for you? Just remember, you will have to live with the consequence of your decision, not anyone else.

Answer 6

As an adult child of someone with cancer, i know youre stress.My mom has terminal lung cancer.I live 45 minutes away from her and i always feel that i dont see her enough.

That being said, i dont think its fair of your family to give you grief about coming home to take care of her.It sounds to me like they dont want to do it so they are making excuses why they shouldnt have to.Caring for someone with a serious illness is really hard.I think that if you really dont want to move then you shouldnt.I see nothing wrong with visiting as much as possible, but i doubt your mom wants you to give up on your life and your dreams to become ehr servant.I hear a lot of things that your family is telling you, but nothing directly from your mom.Has she said anything to you?Tell her how you feel.Dont be pressured by the ulterior motives and bullying of your other family.
I know when i expressed my sadness that i couldnt come more often my mother told me that its more important that i live my life - because i couldnt put my life on hold and miss out on opprtunities.She understood that i will have to go on when she is gone - and that i cant put things on hold because that will only make it harder to get by later.

Try talking to her - not everyone else.She may surprise you.Cancer paitients are often treated like children, where no one discusses their disease or asks their opinions for fear of upsetting them.But honestly - they know the situation, and mostly they just want to be treated like you normally would - not like an invalid.
Good luck.

Answer 7

Well my mom has lung cancer and cervical cancer. She also has Last stage HIV. She has been in the hospital for 15 weeks (chemo is not helping). I havent treated my mom the way I should. So Im willing to do anything for her. So I would do what ure moms wants. It might be hard for u but i bet ure not going through anything like ure mother is.

Answer 8

Don't feel bad. I can understand that your mother's care would be up to you if you were an only child. Let your family know that you are willing to chip in your FAIR SHARE but that she is a mother to other people and that your life is as important as theirs. It doesn't sound as if you are abandoning your mom during her time of need so don't let your family bully you into something that they themselves are not willing to do. My mom has recurring cancer and I AM an only child so it is up to me to see that she is ok when she gets sick. Good luck.

Answer 9

You are not a bad person because you do not want to move back home and be with your mother.
Live your life and live it well. Your mother wants you to be successful.
Cancer RN for 13 yrs.

Answer 10

They should call hospice if she has a 6 months prognosis and get in home care for her. They do not turn anyone down, regardless of ability to pay and can bring in hospital beds, home health aides, nurses and medicines and doctor management of cases...social workers and clergy can be brought in also. It would be difficult to watch your mother die slowly for you and if you wore yourself too thin, then you would not be all that able to be helpful to her either. I don't think she would want you to put your life on hold for her...If you want to and are able to fine, but it may not be the best thing for either of you...???