I am 34 years old, my husband is 30. We got married three years ago. In the past year or more he is making it clear he wants to be a parent, even though I have expressed my objections to having kids.
I don't hate kids, I love my sibling's kids, and I love to visit and buy gifts. However I don't have patience when I am around them for real long periods of time. I don't want to carry a child (I have just lost 70+ pounds and am starting to enjoy my new body), or really take care of one. They are also extremely expensive to care for.
I like our lives the way it is. We can afford to go out to eat and buy new toys now and again. If we have any children our income will be extremely stressed. I don't think he really realizes this.
He has also not wanted or initiated real intimate moments for a long time, and when he says he does, he specifically says, I want kids, which is a real turnoff for me. I have suggested counseling, but he refuses to go, saying he doesn't have a problem.
2007-06-20 06:56:01 · 12 answers · asked by TMChen 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
I am 34,, my husband is 30. We got married in 2004. In the past year or more he is making it clear he wants to be a parent, even though I have expressed my objections since our marriage to having kids. (He thought he could change my mind.)
I don't hate kids, I love my neice and nephew and enjoy visiting. However I don't have patience when I am around them for real long periods of time. I don't want to carry a child (I have just lost 70+ pounds and am starting to enjoy my new body), or really take care of one. They are also extremely expensive to care for.
I like our lives the way it is. We can afford to go out to eat and buy new toys now and again. If we have any children our income will be extremely stressed. I don't think he really realizes this.
He has also not wanted or initiated real intimate moments for a long time, and when he says he does, he specifically says, I want kids, which is a real turnoff for me. I have suggested counseling, but he refuses to go, sayi
2007-06-20 07:12:41 · update #1
Him wanting a kids isn't a problem. Some people want children of their own, don't mind giving certain things up and taking on new responsibilities.
You not wanting kids isn't a problem. Some people don't not wish to raise children and would rather be able to do as they please without the hassle.
The problem is that you two are on opposite sides of the rope on this issue and if it's not dealt with, it can ruin your marriage. It's not like youre deciding whether or not to get satellite TV and you can say, "Well, We'll try it for one month and if we like it we can keep it and if we don't we can cancel it."
I would suggest that BOTH of you see a professional together, someone who can help you compromise, counter and understand each sides feelings and concerns on the subject. It's important to listen to each other, express exactly how you feel and be respectful of each other's opinions. Chances are neither of your minds are going to change. He's still going to want kids and youre still not going to, but it's worth a shot.
I can't say that I've been in your place. I've always wanted kids and love mine to death. My husband is the same way. My brother thought never wanted kids, didn't want them once he was married and didn't want them when he found out his wife was pregnant. My niece is now 2 1/2 and he is a fantastic father and adores her.
Sometimes things can change, but don't try to force yourself to do something to make something work.
I wish you the best of luck =]
2007-06-20 07:22:08 · answer #1 · answered by Sam 5 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Did you discuss this before you got married? You two do need to go to counseling or else your marriage could be in jeopardy.
I don't have any easy answers for you - this is a big issue that both of you need to agree on with some professional help.
2007-06-20 14:04:05 · answer #2 · answered by Pink1967 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, he's wrong. There is a problem. A couple cannot stay together long if they can't agree on the big issues, and having kids is one of the biggest.
My only advice is to not give in. Don't have a child to make your husband happy. This is also about you, and your responsibility to yourself. You know what you want, and there's nothing wrong with not wanting children.
If he won't agree to counseling, then you have to ask him, "Is our marriage dependant upon having kids?"
If he says yes, then maybe it's time to find another relationship. I know it sounds horrible, but I think the future would be just as bad... he making you feel guilty for not having children, or you having them only to make him happy.
2007-06-20 14:04:03 · answer #3 · answered by Morning Glory 5 · 8⤊ 2⤋
He DOES have a problem; your relationship is in trouble. That is a problem. You two should go to a marriage counselor to get help talking these issues out. Neither of you will be happy in this marriage if you don't come to an understanding and agreement.
2007-06-20 14:00:53 · answer #4 · answered by KC 7 · 4⤊ 0⤋
I agree - it's a deal breaker, there is no compromise on this issue. Counseling is pointless. He made a mistake marrying you without making his wishes clear, and now he has to choose between keeping his life with you and fulfilling desire for children. He still has plenty of time, at 30, but you could be getting a really raw deal, divorcing at 34. (Nice that you're feeling good about yourself, though.) I'm sorry you will have to pay for his mistake, but I think you should cut your losses and initiate the divorce yourself, if he won't, because it's gonna end in tears if he can't let go of the fatherhood dream.
2007-06-20 15:02:53 · answer #5 · answered by zilmag 7 · 0⤊ 5⤋
You should have discussed this before you got married. He may not have married you if he knew this. I understand about your new body but you can have that body back, It is not an excuse. i do not believe everyone should have kids in this world, but remember, you are 34. Your window of opportunity is getting smaller. You may never have an opportunity like this. Also, having your own kids is different than siblings. You have infinite patience for your own and none for others (like me.) This is serious enough to end a marriage. You need to really think about this. And be objective, not childish. Good luck.
2007-06-20 14:09:44 · answer #6 · answered by noitall 4 · 0⤊ 6⤋
Don't mean to sound rude, but why didn't you two talk about this before you got married? I would say you are going to just have to talk to him about how you feel. Tell him what you wrote down here.
Good Luck!
2007-06-20 14:00:27 · answer #7 · answered by Kali's Mom 5 · 6⤊ 0⤋
You and your husband should have discussed this prior to getting married, that way you both would know how the other one feels about it.
2007-06-20 14:08:13 · answer #8 · answered by joyce 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
It seems like you should have talked about this before getting married! Try to entertain the idea, I never wanted kids and now I can't imagine my life without them. Our marriage is stronger and we are a real family. If this is not something you want, you may have a decision to make about your marriage!
2007-06-20 14:04:36 · answer #9 · answered by bestadviceever 2 · 0⤊ 5⤋
this issue may be big enough to seperate the two of you...
you can try going to counseling yourself..but you can only change yourself..not him.....
and it looks like you are polar opposites on this issue....
its not something you can really compromise on....
like having half a kid... so....you have big trouble....
good luck....
2007-06-20 14:00:48 · answer #10 · answered by myheartisjames 5 · 0⤊ 3⤋