well my mom has a handi-capped son ,he's 28 now. about 2 months ago she moved in to my appartment complex not to far from me. but ever since i got a boyfriend ( which is now my husband) and my drivers licence she wants me to do everything for her i mean i take her to the store... i have to help her do her laundry ....i do EVERYTHING she has no independance what so ever.....well my husband and i both work at walmart overnight 10pm-7am .....well she wants us to go over there and for him to watch my brother and me to drive her to the store even on the days we work!....well we only have 2 days off a week and almost everyone one of our "weekends" we have to go over there and i take her to the store and help with laundry.....well this last weekend i didnt we went to an arcade and played all day one day then the next we kinda just slept and lounged around....well to day i got this call frommy mom telling me how im not reliable and how im such a horrible daughter!...for not taking her anywhere
2007-06-20 04:53:39 · 30 answers · asked by aidanshope 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
and its not like im the only family she has around her my grandmother and grandfather live about 15 mins drive from here!!.....i told her we just wanted to have fun an our days off and she was like"well when do i get a day off ?" and i just kinda feel like well thats ur fault not mine she get plenty of $$ from the state just for keeping my brother at home so its not like she couldnt hire a babysitter either but she rather spend her money on different things like new furniture and really expensive carpet and flooring for her new appt ....plus when we moved in she didnt help us pay for anything we had to pay for our carpet cuz it was horrible and the complex wouldnt replace it......so is she right am i horrile or is she just way to dependant on my husband and i ?
2007-06-20 04:58:21 · update #1
plus in about 6 months my husband and i are taking a truck driving job so we are going to be gone ALOT and i dont know whats she going to do when were gone? i mean i know its bad of me to take this job but my mom is starting to take a toll on our marriage because of the fact my husband doesnt really want to spend "our" time at her house plus my mom is like a chain smoker and her house reeks of it and when we leave we have to go home change cloths and shower just to not smell!!!(no offence to smokers but we dont smoke so it isnt nice for us)...and we really want this job cuz we get to see different places plus the money u make isnt bad either
2007-06-20 05:09:23 · update #2
she does have a handicapped van but my brother is bed-ridden
2007-06-20 15:54:51 · update #3
You are not horrible. Your mother has to realize that you're your own person and at the same time, she cannot constantly count on you to do everything for her. YOu have your own life and are allowed to live it.
2007-06-20 04:56:33 · answer #1 · answered by Prufrock 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You are not horrible. You are an adult, you need to talk to her about this. Dont just avoid her. She seems to have expectations of you and hubby that she should have spoke to you about. That is why she feels you are not reliable? I dont understand why she is not driving herself places? Look for other options for you all. If she can drive why not get a handicap van, so she can take her son with her? Or find a local daycare or camp for the disabled so she has opportunity to go places. Maybe a bus schedule would help her too. Find the local Arc chapter near you, they have many resources. Let you mom know you would love to help when you can, but here are some other options for her to depend on. Good luck
2007-06-20 05:17:03 · answer #2 · answered by T I 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No you're not horrible. You have your own life to live but..... she is your mom and she will not always be there to ask you to do things for her. (I know this from experience) One day she will be gone and you will miss those phone calls. ( Again from experience) I am not trying to make you feel bad but have a long talk with your mom. Tell her how you feel and you and her set a day and time that is good for you to run her to the store or what ever she needs. She has to realize you're married and you need time with your husband and time for yourself as well. Talk to her in a sweet loving caring voice, and just be honest with her. If that does not work tell her hire someone to come in and sit with your handicapped brother, call herself a taxi and then she can go do what she likes.I wish you all the best. I have been in your shoes many many times so I do understand just how you feel.
2007-06-20 05:09:08 · answer #3 · answered by four_meows 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your NOT horrible, you seem like a girl who can commit to your mother, one way or another, not liking it or not. Of-course everyone needs to relax a bit, and everyone needs time off from their hard busy lives, and your mom really doesn't understand that because she is over with working, and now she has kids, to rely on, which don't want to do this work.
You need to tell her about this, and how you need "me time" or "your time" and not helping her and having "mom and daughter bond" because it's just like it was, 14 years ago, you not wanting be with her all the time, and you wanting your own time, to be you and have some time with your friends.
Well confront her about this, and tell her that just because you want to relax for a day, that doesn't mean you're horrible. It means you understand what we all want and need in life! And she doesn't see clearly that you NEED this time to relax, and be with your husband! There are such things as public buses, where you pay $2 to go somewhere you need to go, and then back home!!! Tell your mom about them!!! Of-course she isn't going to feel safe, by herself and all...but she'll get used to it. A nice walk in the neighborhood might never hurt.
Hun--you're not your mom's servant, and it is up to you to do what you want to do. Tell her you need your independence to be an adult, and if she can't accept that, then just don't bother helping her at all ever.
2007-06-20 05:02:21 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
No - you are trying to keep your life well-balanced and that means having time for yourself and for your husband. Your mom feels trapped, but as you stated - it is her choice to spend the money anyway she sees fit and if she doesn't want to spend some of that money on caretaking for her son, that's her problem, not yours.
I would suggest you let her know that you will help when you can but that you have to live your life and put your marriage first. Suggest she have her son's social worker find an adult daycare for her to drop him off a day or two each week and do not help with things like laundry or grocery shopping - she is able to do those on her own. Help only when really needed.
Good luck.
2007-06-20 05:03:12 · answer #5 · answered by Stefka 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Now this is from your point of veiw, but based on how you are describing your moher, I think she has her own issues and you are a fine daughter. Plus, she seems lazy. You have to do everything for her, such as laundry and take her to the store. Why can't she do it on her own? And why should she move in with you guys anyway? She probably did have to take care of you and do that stuff for you, but you were younger. Does she have health problems. About her calling you. Well you only mentioned 3 places, but even so, she should be the only person to rely on for going places. You sound like a good daughter. Especially because you let her live with you.
2007-06-20 05:02:09 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Well, no. You are not a horrible daughter. Your mother is taking advantage of you.
Here are some other things you don't have to do:Ever.
No, you don't have to take her anywhere.
No, you don't have to help her with her laundry.
No, you don't have to watch her handicapped son.
No, you don't have to take her to the store.
No, you don't have to help her with her money problems.
No, you don't have to account to her for how you spend your time.
BUT ESPECIALLY - you don't have to feel guilty about anything.
Mom is taking advantage of you - and using your handicapped brother as a guilt weapon - how evil.
What you must do is set some boundaries. There are several books on setting boundaries - some of which are available at Wall-mart. Read them and start to put them into practice. You might also want to speak with a good counselor about learning to set boundaries with your mom.
She won't like it one bit. She'll cry. She'll plead. She'll call you a bad daughter. She'll use whatever she can to manipulate you into insanity. Don't fall for it. Stand your ground, honey.
Mom needs to grow up too - and realize that she needs to take care of herself and her handicapped son.
That said, My partner has an adult daughter with a handicapped son (13 or 14) and it's a full time job watching him. BUT he's HER son and she looks after him very well. I truly admire her because she doesn't impose herself and her son on me and partner - and there's no "guilt" factor imposed either. In fact, I like both of them and I wish she'd bring him out to our house more often so he can play outside in relative safety.
So truly it can work. Your mother doesn't have to be a nuisance or a guilt-thrower. What a poor excuse of a person she is.
2007-06-20 05:05:18 · answer #7 · answered by Barbara B 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to set up some boundries with your mother. Set up a schedule that works for you and your husband and present it to her. Let her know that you will be available for those days, but if she needs anything during that time (that is not an emergency) then she will have to wait.
You might want to call 311, and see if there are any services offered locally through a church or something that have volunteers who help people who can't get out on their own.
If she is on Medicare/Medicaid, she might be eligible for a caregiver, who can come to the house and help out.
Now if it just a matter of her being lazy and not wanting to do anything, you need to let her know that you and your husband are not going to be used by her anymore. If this lack of effort on her part is out of character for her, you might also want to take her to a doctor. She might be depressed.
2007-06-20 05:02:38 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your not horrible. I am in a similar situation and what I have done is this. Whenever I need to go to the store,go do laundry or just shopping in general I ask if they would like to go along. But I no longer do these things on THERE schedule. The exception of course would be if they had a doctors appointment.
2007-06-20 05:02:39 · answer #9 · answered by E J 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No you are not horrible. Its not right for her to push you to do everything for her, she is not your child she is your mother. Clearly she was fine before she moved closer to you so she should be able to do things on her own now. It seems like she's taking advantage of the situation and doing her laundry??? That's going over board.
You need to make it clear to your mom that you have no problem helping her out from time to time like occasionally driving her somewhere and occasionally taking care of your brother. He is her child, her responsibility not yours.
Now I'm not saying be cold and cruel about the situation but you need to make sure you mom understands that you have a life of your own that does not involve being your moms keeper.
2007-06-20 05:08:59 · answer #10 · answered by Shawn 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your mom sounds a little overbearing, but maybe she is just overwhelmed. Tell her you are overwhelmed also, so you need to set up a schedule. Tell her what day a week you are free to help her, and stick to it. I know it isn't very popular, in this day and age, to care for aging parents, but I do think it is the right thing to do. And, one day a week won't hurt too bad. Have her make a list of what errands and chores she wants help with, and then bust your can to get it done in a day. Then, keep the rest of your leisure time for your family.
2007-06-20 05:01:23 · answer #11 · answered by Zuker 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋