Problems discipling a ten year old and dealing with grief.?

Question

I had a lot of loss in my life about nine years ago. I lost my mom and three of my grandparents within the span of a few months.

I've been letting my daughter getting away with a lot because I keep thinking, "What if I force her to do dishes and she dies tomorrow and then I wished we hadn't had the disagreement?" I know it's not rational.

I let her get away with not lifting a finger at home. She even runs me around getting her a drink of water or a tissue. This has to stop but I have such a fear that she'll die and I'll wish I would have made her life as perfect and easy as possible.

Any advice? I know it's not good for her and she'll wind up lazy.

Answer 1

First my condolences to you on your losses.I experienced the loss of both my parents almost 4 years ago (within 10 days of each other).Sometimes it is difficult to keep things in perspective and our grief overwhelms us and we don't think rationally.I understand you're concerned about death but trust me you must work at not letting your grief overtake your life.You must try to focus on being a mother again to your child, she need you there to give her direction and leadership.All we have is today.Do not waste any more days worrying about "what if".You will lose today and never get it back.As much as we miss the dead we must go on living for the living.It may sound cold to you to hear this but it is a fact.In time you will understand all of my advice.Take each day ,one day at a time.Your daughter may resent the turn around at first but you need to start being her mom immediately.Your daughter will continue to play on your fears if you do not change.Have you ever thought of joining a grief therapy group to help you through this? Take care.

Answer 2

Next time, try your best to say, "You know how to get a drink of water. I got it the last 876 times. If I did it that much, you can do it once," and stand by your guns. The first thing you have to do is rebel against the authority. (Face it. That's what she is right now.) Once you do that, then you need to work on making you realize that this child is not the same, sweet, gentle child that she once was. Your child has two beings. The rebelious, spoiled monster, and the kind, sweet child. When you dicipline the monster, it sinks into it's lair. Once the monster is gone, the child can once again be yours. Your job as a parent is to kill the monster and love the child. You don't want to break out the bazookas to get the monster into it's lair the first time because it might hurt the child on it's way back, and you don't want to hurt the child just because it made an error, because either of these could even scar your daughter's kinder being. If you think she's too old for the so-called-by-no-one "baby-punishments" like time out, then you can try confining her to her room, or taking away toys or anything else which you find effective. You need to just bite the bullet and start diciplining her firmly and lovingly. This is all the help I can give you. I hope it helps.

Answer 3

I don't know how your house is set up. But when my children were young, I childproofed everything I could think of-- cabinets, door knobs, electrical sockets, moved anything that could be pulled down or created a problem. If you can't move the problem item, then you have to go into the Training mode. Every time she approaches the TV (even if it's 100 times a day), walk over and calmly pick her up and move her away and sa "No, don't touch the TV. Danger." It was a problem whenever I visited my dad. I didn't want them to go into dad's kitchen. So, I'd watch like a hawk (good exercise) and everytime the baby would crawl or walk over to the kitchen doorway, I would pick him up, return him to the living room and say "No, don't go into the kitchen." I'm not saying this was successful. What helped was when the child got a little older and acquired different interests. By the way, that is probably going to be a very nice child you won't have any trouble with later on. Probably will grow into a successful adult you are proud of. Ive watched kids give their parents hell and then turn out to the be nicest adults.

Answer 4

I lost my mom and two of my grandparents 9 years ago(in a week it will be 9 years for my mom) all in a 6 month time.
I feel for you but you have to get on and past the grief.
You cannot live every day with fear like that. You are not only hurting you but yourself as well. Maybe you should go talk to someone-I did and it helped alot. You seem to have unresolved issues and you really really need to let it go.
My daughter is 11 and trust me, she is a bit spoiled and I know alot of it is because Grandma isn't around.
But you are the parent and you need to lay down the rules.
Next time she asks for something simply say NO. Let her start doing thingslike clean her room,pick up agter her self.-she needs to learn, and she is old enough for you to explain to her how you have been feeling, maybe them she will be more understanding.
Good luck to you

Answer 5

I know what you are feeling.
I'm a mother of 4.
Sometimes I also think about that.
But believe me that is not good for her nor for you.
You just have to let go at those bad feelings and thoughts and start to tell that young girl to clean her mess and do the dishes a couple of times.
You are not her slave.
She is your daughter not your owner.
And she needs to learn how to do things. She is a young lady.
If you don't teach her to do anything she will be spoiled and messy all her life and she will take everything for granted.
I know she is not used to do things and you have to start carefully now and slowly.
Just start by saying "not now dear, I have my chores to do" or "not now dear, mommy is resting a bit", when she asks you to get a drink of water or a tissue.
Try to make her understand that this is a part of growing up. She is not a baby anymore. She is a young lady and she must begin learning to do things.
Take care hun!
Wish you both the best!

Answer 6

i understand what you going through. i my first child was still born and i got pregnant again 2 yrs later and babied him and did everything for him and he is now 17 and very lazy, a good boy and never gets in trouble and does any drugs or anything like that, but is definitely lazy. he recently went live with my parents to go college and they make him earn his keep and do chores and he is doing every thing they ask. my mom spoils like i did except he earns it. you need to stop doing everything and tell her she has two feet and start using them and let her do some of the things she really enjoys, but if she refuses to get up and do chores then don't let her do what she wanted. try no TV until all chores are done. she is not lazy she does what you let her get away with, i learned what a hard worker my son is only after him leaving home.

Answer 7

I belong to a support group for parents who have had a child die. Frequently, we regret things we made our kids do or kept them from doing that we would have let them get away with had we known they were going to die. However, had we let them grow up without discipline, they likely would have turned out to be little hellions that we would not miss quite as much as we do because of the way they did in fact turn out.

Generally, even kids who know they have a terminal illness seem to prefer to be raised with the same discipline and expectations as healthy children.

Children who are raised without discipline nearly always feel neglected. Raising them without any guidelines for expected behavior is never doing them any favors.

How much of your situation is your feeling sorry for your daughter and how much is your lacking the energy to be a proper parent is a matter for a professional therapist to look into, which I urge you to do, for your sake and your daughter's.

Answer 8

First, I'd like to say you are a very loving and caring mom or you would not have asked this question on such a forum as this.
seek out a parenting group. As hard as it will be to listen...DO IT!
Many of us have great loss in life. I reared my 4 sons alone. I felt much guilt and shame, being a single parent. Had to ask some hard questions. If something happens to me, what do I want for my sons? Answer: for them to be fully self-sufficient and a contribution to society (not a selfish dead-weight).
so,
I gave them chores. Not to get 'my' work done, but to teach them to take care of themselves, to be contributing members of our family.
Also, to quit feeling FEARFUL of every decision I made.
Some decisions were good, some not so good...so what? I am not perfect.
Give yourself a break!
Be both Firm and Kind.
Your child will not take kindly to new limits, or chore lists, or restrictions from favorite toys or activities...but you must get a handle now...or your daughter has no chance in this life.
You were not made her mother to be her slave. She shall begin to respect you as you begin to create limits and respect yourself.
You will be fine. It takes nearly as long to break a habit as it did to create.
Take charge now, be the Mom you were created to be.

Answer 9

My mom died when my sister was 11 and my step dad has done the same thing with her. I sooo understand your issues and his, but now my sister is almost 21 and is angry that she has to work for what she wants, her dad still does most of the cleaning and mows the lawn etc. Sh is a good girl as far as not partying and things, but she has no desire to work and I think does not respect him much. I would never sleep while my father (he was a lot older than my mom) was working like that and still foots the bill for a lot of things. I love her with all my heart, but he is now reaping what he sowed, and you will too. It is a parents job to teach them to work for what they get and not expect everything handed to them. If he had been a little tougher then, it would be a lot easier for her now, as he is getting a lot older and she has hard lessons ahead of what life is really like. I will be there for her every step of the way, but it is still going to be hard lessons for her.

Answer 10

Your parenting dilemma is not unique. I work at a university and see the new generation has been raised by parents who have and still do -everything- for their children and others are right when they say you are not doing them any favors. Teaching a child to be respectful and self-sufficient is one of the greatest gifts you can give. Too many young adults are failing in school because they have never been taught basic survival skills. If you need more coaxing just take a look at Paris Hilton, case in point!