How do I tell my girlfriend she's getting a little "big" around the midsection?

Question

I've been dating this girl for many, many years, and although we are comfortable with each other in every possible way, I can't see an approach to tell her she's putting on weight. At her perfect form, 140lbs, she is perfectly curvy. But now, she's developed a "spare tire" around her midsection. Although I still find her sexy, I know deep down she's incredibly unhappy with it. She had back surgery a year ago, and the doctor told her to keep the weight off to aid in the healing.

We eat healthy and lo-cal, but I find her eating later at night or larger portions, and her activity has dropped. I offer her to come and work out with me, but with her working on her Doctorate, she always uses that as an excuse not to do anything.

I know this is a very taboo area with girls, and I'm afraid if I say something, she'll see it as an attack, or that I don't find her sexy anymore, which is what I don't want.

Please, any advice on how to approach this matter?

Answer 1

If you know when her next doctor's appointment is you can have him tell her. The weight she needs to keep off is for her own health and I understand that that is your reasoning. You've pretty much approached the situation in all sideways manners such as suggesting she go to the gym with you, eating well, etc. You've done a good hard push but it seems you are flailing. It's hard to not be insulting when it comes to weight.

Is she aware that she has gained some weight? You could try getting her toi go for a walk with you every night or every other night instead of going to the gym. It's still exercise, and you can use the "let's go for a walk, you seem stressed. This will make you feel better" route (which is true!). If she tells you she has too much work tell her she needs to get out and be perisistent. if nothing else she'll get mad but end up giving in to your non-stop begging her to go for a walk lol.

Could you talk to her mom or sister? Sometimes coming from a female friend who is concerned about your health is easier to take than your BF telling you. If her mom says "You better be careful, you're putting on some weight and the doctor said not to!" it's not going to be half as harsh as coming from you.

I think any way you approach it it's going to sting a little and you just have to be ready for the backlash. Just keep the health risk at the forefront of your argument so she is aware that that is your concern.

Good luck!

Answer 2

If she says "I am working on my doctorate" she is telling you that she feels overwhelmed. It is not an excuse not to do anything about it. Working on a doctorate is an extremely stressful thing and should be commended.

Men can have a hard time "reading between the lines" sometimes. What she wants from you right now is support, and in a round about way, is telling you that.

Maybe you should say something like this to her:

"I am so proud of you and all you do! You have really come a long way and are doing something tremendous in your life, and I will support you through it all. When you are finished with all this stress, I will be so happy when we can start doing things together again. I would love to join a gym (or some other fun activity), and think it would be great for our relationship and health if we could spend some time together since we are putting things on hold for now".

something along those lines will be more apt to help her out.

Answer 3

There is absolutely no need to tell her she's putting on weight. She knows this better than you do, probably right down to the pound.

Instead, try and find out what's been bothering her lately. Maybe she's stressed, maybe she doesn't feel appreciated or as connected with you or her friends as she once was, maybe she's bored... all of these are reasons (only some of them!) women unconsciously change their eating habits. Plan an evening together (way in advance, so there are no excuses to get out of it) where the two of you can reconnect. At the very least, if that's not the reason she's been feeling down, maybe she'll feel comfortable enough to discuss how she's been feeling lately.

Sorry, you're going to have to suck it up and talk about feelings. It'll be better for you both in the long run. And in case I didn't make it clear enough, do not even casually mention, "I've noticed you've put on some weight." No matter how tactful you try to be, you will hurt her.

Answer 4

Instead of going out to "exercise" specifically, perhaps make a date to try something new that involves physical activity. If you put a different spin on it she may be more receptive to it. Chances are she realizes that she is gaining weight and is unhappy with it. She may feel rather helpless. Or possibly the stress of working on a doctorate is causing her to consume more calories than she realizes. Either way, she could probably use a study break. Use this opportunity to try new things: check out an ice skating rink, go canoeing, hiking, play golf, etc. Once she gets out there and realizes how much better she feels from exercising, she'll want to do it more, and probably will do it without you prompting her.

Answer 5

This is such a tough subject.... There is no way to tell her how you are feeling without hurting her in some way. (No matter how sweetly or caring you may come across) You are definitely correct when you say that she is unhappy with with herself deep down. She is totally aware of the weight she has gained and knows how she appears.

Continue to encourage her to come to the gym and workout with you and continue to suggest healthy meals. It sounds like you are a supportive person who cares deeply for this woman.

But also consider that metabolism slows down as women age. It becomes easier to gain weight and harder to lose it. Think about your relationship with this woman. Even though she may be a bit heavier now do you love her any less? If your feelings for her are affected by her appearance mabye you need to consider how meaningful this relationship is to you. Is she the one for you? Extra weight and all?

Continue to be supportive and encourage her.

Answer 6

I have this problem too...I know I am a lil chubby but feel upset and un-motivated to do anything about it...I know my hubby loves me for the lil chubster that i am but for healthy reasons, he gets me out every evening for a stroll through our neighborhood and nearby park...these little walks are both romantic AND a good way to get my energy up...so, I have been losing the weight because I feel energized....

so, my point is, find physical activities that are pleasing AND healthy, and enjoy life together!!!

Answer 7

you don't come out and tell her in a way she will feel bad about herself, if you love her,what you have to do is plan more activity which will keep her from just lounging around or feeling bad about life or may be it could be you who is keeping her from taking better care of her body,remember some day she could be writing the same letter about you..just
keep on kissing and holding her and just say you still love her.
and that will motivate her

Answer 8

You dont really have to tell her. Just do something like offer to start running with her and start exercising. Dont just break her big heart. You can work your way around the situation.

Answer 9

This is a tacit okay from her that oyu can let yourself go. Just give up shaving for a few days and see what she says.

Answer 10

You don't. She knows - telling her won't help anything. If you do active things together, you might feel better - instead of going out to the movies, go for a walk or something. Just remember -- you can't change someone else -- only she can decide to change.