Why do so many in this forum have a problem with Honeymoon Registries & giving cash at a wedding?

Question

(Disclaimer: First off, I understand that you are not suppose to ask or expect anything, but people often give gifts at weddings and they usually inquire about whether or not a registry exists.)

I am really curious about this, because I really don't have a problem with it at all. Is it a generational thing? I am in my late 20's, how do others in this age range feel about this?

When I attend a friends wedding, I want to give them what THEY want, not what the rules of etiquette tell me that I should give them. No one seems to mind if they have a registry set up at Target or wherever, so why is it bad to have a honeymoon registry?

I would much rather give the couple money towards their honeymoon than a vase, toaster, etc. which they may or may not ever use. Plus, I think it's easier as I can give exactly the amount that I can afford, rather than trying to find a combination of things on a registry, that fit my budget.

I really wish that the customs would change and that it would be not only acceptable but EXPECTED that a couple ask for exactly what they want, not what they are expected to ask for, even if they don't want it!

I also believe that when I attend a wedding, I should give the couple a gift or money that equals what mine and my dates meal cost. So, I usually give them between $150 - $200. I relate attending a wedding to friends asking me to join them for dinner at a fancy restaurant to celebrate someone's birthday or something. Why should I expect them to pay for me when I WANT to celebrate with them?

Answer 1

I completely agree with you. I want to give my friends what they want when they get married, whatever that may be.

I think "LR" must be of an older generation, at least older than 20's (which I am also in). My friends invite me to birthday dinners at restaurants all of the time, and I always know that I will be paying for mine. Everyone does, it is never an issue. So, maybe that is a younger generation thing?

LR is correct that times have changed, but I think they have changed for the better in many ways and any way you look at it, things are different! People ARE living together before marriage, regardless of whether or not you agree with it.

If times and lifestyles are changing, why shouldn't gift giving etiquette also change? And I think the point of gift giving is still the same as it was back then, when people lived with their parents up until they were married. The point of gift giving is to give someone something that they need or want. The needs and wants of couples have just changed and I'm ok with that!

Answer 2

I agree with you. I don't see any problem with having a honeymoon registry or prefering money over household gifts.

The problem I DO have is when people request money (or put anything about gifts period) in their invitations. I feel that's tacky and rude. But no, I see no problem with having a honeymoon registry! I'm not sure what the issue is surrounding them in general. You're still registering for things you want - for a regular store registry, instead of YOU paying for the toaster or vase, someone else is paying for it. Same thing for a honeymoon.

But like I said, just keep it all out of the invites!

Answer 3

I always give a check or cash at a wedding. If it is a wedding I could afford I try to cover the cost of the dinner (not the dress, not the music or anything else). I also understand cash is not appropriate in every region of the US.

I just believe you should never ask for gifts. So mentioning you want money in the invitation is in poor taste. If someone had a honeymoon registry, I would still give cash.

I didn't register, but know people who did, who got duplicates, and incomplete sets of china and silverware. I was planning my wedding and the last thing I was thinking of was what china I wanted (I already owned a set also).

I lived in the NY metro area most of my life, and cash is not only acceptable, it is the most common gift.

Answer 4

I'm in my early 30's, and I do believe in etiquette.

The easiest way to answer this is that I don't have a problem with giving money as a wedding gift. In fact, for weddings, it IS what I give, and in the part of the country I'm from, it's pretty much the norm.

And you hit the nail right on the head when you say you want to give them a gift they will appreciate. That, my friend, IS proper etiquette. :) When you give a gift, it should be the gift of your choice and should be something given freely and from the heart. You are an exceptionally thoughtful person to give something so generous!

What I DO have a problem with are the brides that come on and ask "how do I politely ask for money? We don't want any dishes, or silverware, because we have everything already!" Personally, I believe if you have "EVERYTHING" then you don't need to ask for money -- or anything else, other than for your family and friends to celebrate with you.

Honeymoon registries are bordering on close to asking for money, because it's not really a registry per se. When you register, you pick all the things you need to set up a house, and it serves as a guideline for what guests may purchase, if they like. They get an idea of your tastes, what you need, and what you may like. Some people don't follow registries, and will pick out a gift of their own choosing - and that's MORE than okay. The registry is designed to be a guideline and convenience for guests who wish to purchase a gift. It's not a shopping list.

A honeymoon registry, on the other hand, basically dictates what guests can spend their money on. It's sending the message "we have everything we need. We don't want your gifts, so just send us on vacation." Does that make sense?

Answer 5

When you have a registry, you put people on the spot. besides, if you actually like giving a couple what they want, then all you ahve to do is ask them. Marriage is about a couple making a promise to love each other. It is not about gifts and money. Unfortunately, these days people are all mixed up on that. Before, a couple only lives together after they get married. Prior to that, most are still living with their parents and thus when people gave the couple gifts, it is a way to start them off into their new life as husband and wife. Times have changed and so have people and the type of gifts available.

When I got married, we did not have a registry at all and people gave what they think we would need and I loved all the gifts they gave. It is the fact that those guests took the time into getting something for us and not about what the gift is.

The trouble with people these days is they have it all too much and are used to getting what they want and they have truly forgotten the true meaning of giving and receiving.

When someone invites us to celebrate their birthday party or wedding then they are expected to pay for it. That is the way. If you cannot afford to have a party or wedding, do not expect others to pay for you and only go to a restaurant that one can afford and not to some expensive places. It is SOCIAL ETIQUETTE which is truly lacking these days.

Answer 6

I normally give the couple something out of the registry. I do not have a problem with giving cash or towards a trip AS LONG AS it has been requested properly and not specified in the invitation.

It's in poor etiquette to put "cash only" or registry information in the invitation. An invitation should be an invitation and not an invoice. That's what the bridal shower and the wedding site is for.

Thankfully, all of my friends have good manners and observe propper etiquette and I have not received an invitation that barks demands for cash.

I'll hapilly oblige with a gift if the couple's preference, but I would never follow rude orders from greedy couples that have no sense and consideration to their guests by demanding cash on a invitation as if they were selling tickets. That's what the bridal party and the couple does, to express their preference of gifts by word of mouth when asked, but never on an inviation.

Good manners never go out of style and they are timeless. Being young is not an excuse for being ignorant and rude, but I guess to each it's own... you can put lip gloss on a pig...and it will still be a pig.

Good luck

Answer 7

If you really read the answers and questions relating to yours, you'll notice that most people aren't offended by registries or giving cash at weddings. What they're offended by is people putting that information on the invitation or some other form of direct solicitation of gifts whether it be in the form of a cutesy little poem or registry cards that they give you in the store. People now expect you to have a registry. Most wedding professionals and those who are in the business and understand ettiquette concerns aggree that its now considered to be a convenience for guests. However, the distribution of information regarding registries or what you would like to have as a gift has not changed. If people want to know what to get you, they will ask. Then, you can tell them that you are registered at so and so or that you have most of the things you need and their presence is what you really want. But unless they ask, its rude to tell. Set up a honeymoon registry if you want, but don't broadcast to all of your guests that you want them to pay for your honeymoon piece by piece. Its about being gracious. Some people may have wanted to buy you a toaster or a blender or whatever, and that's their right as a generous person that whatever gift they decide they want to buy should be appreciated. Having those registries is a great thing in the modern world where convenience is necessary. The thing that most people forget is that the registry is only supposed to be a suggestion for what you can get the couple if you can't figure it out on your own. It isn't supposed to be the dictated law that only those gifts may be purchased for the bride and groom and it makes it awkward to present it as such. I personally use registries, because they're convenient and I know the couple will like the gift. Some people find them impersonal and won't use them. Others have a "standard" gift they bring to weddings whether it be cash or a silver engraved picture frame or even a photo album. Some people don't do wedding gifts at all, and that's perfectly acceptable. The thing is, the people you invite to your wedding are coming to celebrate. Don't worry about what or how much they give you. Being concerned about it at all comes off a little selfish frankly. Set up whatever registries you want. Tell your bridal party and your mother where they are and forget about it. After that its out of your hands and up to your guests if and what they buy for you. That's all there is to it.

Answer 8

The answer 'LR' gave pretty much says it all. I think the problem lies with what the couple thinks the wedding is for. A wedding's purpose is for a couple to be joined in marriage - they take vows at a ceremony, and those vows are celebrated later by those guests who witnessed them at a reception. The day is HOSTED by the couple getting married, and that is why they pay for the celebration and plan the type of wedding they want.
It's not done on a cost-recovery basis, as you suggested, with gifts!!
Gifts are NOT required of guests attending a wedding. Of course, though, people do give gifts. It is the choice of the guest what the gift will be - and often, they choose something which will suit the couple. We make the effort and the time to choose something great for a couple getting married, based on what we know of them. Yes, we make the EFFORT - not simply choosing something off a registry. I'm not against a gift registry, it's actually quite interesting to see what a couple asks for!
A couple getting married shouldn't be expecting to get gifts equal to what they spent for the meal, or for the wedding... that's simply not what's done. Same with asking people to contribute cash or gift cards, or to their honeymoon -- it's just nuts. If you can't afford a big wedding, scale down plans or make the guest list smaller - but don't expect people to pay for it. Similarly, if a couple can't afford the honeymoon, don't have one now, or scale down the plans.
Going with tradition isn't a bad thing, neither is conforming to some semblance of etiquette. Both of these make for a wonderful wedding, and lead to great marriages! There's a LOT to be said for maturity, UNselfishness, graciousness and compromise.
Good luck to all the couples in the throes of planning their weddings! It's a fun journey!

Answer 9

Everyone seems to be afraid to tell the truth on this one, and the truth is that cash is tacky. There are some people who do it anyway, but that doesn't change the rightness or wrongness of it. Also, with a close friend, it's even tackier. The point being missed is that you want to find something just from you as gift to honor your friend. I'd just try to find something really nice off the registry.

Answer 10

First of all, while I will say it's fairly generous of you, you shouldn't give a gift to "offset" the cost of your meals...They have invited you to celebrate with them, and your being there is all the gift that's necessary.

My only problem with the honeymoon registry is that the process of making everyone aware of the registry. When you "advertise" that you're registered in any given place, it's a ploy for gifts. Any gift is supposed to be optional, and something that the giver genuinely wants to give...Telling people about the registry makes them feel that they have limited options, and that they're backed into a corner. Most of us want to give the bride and groom what they want or need...it's just that we don't want to be asked to give it.