I am a single lady and a married church elder came just to visit one day to 'see how I was just getting along'. His wife is lovely and the truest person you could ever wish to meet. All of a sudden her husband said, "I'm sure God won't mind you fondling yourself, seeing as you've no husband". How on earth the conversation ever got round to that beggars belief. I had done/said nothing to get this remark/comment. I feel upset about what he said. How should I handle this?
2007-06-19 20:35:53 · 27 answers · asked by Say It Like You Mean It 4 in Society & Culture ➔ Religion & Spirituality
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR HELPFUL REPLIES ALREADY.
2007-06-19 20:42:17 · update #1
His comment was inappropriate. He has abused his position by making such a lewd comment. If he spoke it, I would not like to know what he has been thinking.
I would not let this man into my house again. If he is a respected elder it might be hard for you to go accusing him of this and it may cause you to become an outcast in your church. I would be very careful and discreet with how you deal with this. Mostly to protect yourself. I hope there is someone in your church community with whom you feel comfortable discussing this.
First thought I had was to ask his wife if she was aware of his inappropriate comments? And maybe she needs to have a word with him on how to speak to single women. Possibly he lacks social skills. Still, there was no need for such a comment.
2007-06-19 21:00:46 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
This is a very difficult situation, and I would say two things - firstly that he was wrong, and his comment shows a worrying lack of both morality and theological understanding. The second is that no matter how wrong, he is still a church elder, so whatever you do about it, you should do respectfully.
Personally I wouldnt want to stick around too long in a church where the leadership does/says things like that. So I guess if I were you I'd look for another church.
But at the same time, it is important that you treat him respectfully and reverently, and don't openly bad-mouth him. At the end of the day, he will answer to God for his actions and attitudes. But what you will answer to God for, is how you honoured the spiritual authority that you were under.
2007-06-20 00:04:52 · answer #2 · answered by JFinlay925 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The guy needs to be stepped down from his position as an elder! You need to speak with your pastor - if it makes it easier for you I would advise that you take someone you trust with you when you speak to the pastor.
I hope they take you seriously! I have had different but similar issues in church and the creep of a leader got away with it which made the hurt so much worse for me.
You can always threaten the Pastor (if he doesn't take you seriously) that you will take the matter further. Tell him you would go public!!! That'll do the trick.
2007-06-19 20:55:51 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
I wonder how many other single women have been subjected to this manipulation. He has obviously used his position as an elder to perpetrate his crime. Who would question someone in his position? He definitely needs to be reported to the senior pastors, but remember he will more than likely deny it. Then it is your word against his. Nevertheless he cant be allowed to get away with it. If it is brought up with the leadership and he doesnt admit to it and seek counselling, at least you have been brave enough to come forward. If it ever happens again (he is sleazy enough that it will!!!!!) it will confirm what you have experienced and vindicate you.
2007-06-19 21:00:09 · answer #4 · answered by The Rock 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Dear poopsy,
You are rightfully upset. i'm not sure why the church elder would make such a comment- but it's the kind of comment that should get him removed.
Normally i would say when someone has wronged you that you should confront them privately or one-on-one but based on the nature of that comment- i don't know that it would be wise to confront him alone one-on-one. i might speak to the Pastor at your church.
Was there anyone else present when he made this comment???
Feel free to email me if there's any part of the situation i'm not understanding. Hope my answer helps you.
Kindly,
Nickster
2007-06-19 20:42:04 · answer #5 · answered by Nickster 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Actually I would speak privately and discretely with the pastor about this. He had no business making that statement and I would seriously question whether he should be in a position of leadership. Express your concern with your pastor/priest etc. and let them handle it. If you would feel more comfortable ask to have a woman in the church present you feel you can trust at the same time.
2007-06-19 20:45:29 · answer #6 · answered by todd s 3 · 4⤊ 0⤋
I'm so sorry that such a thing has happened. Perhaps it would be good to speak to a lady within the church (perhaps not that Elders wife but another understanding lady).
2007-06-19 20:39:49 · answer #7 · answered by kaleidoscope_girl 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Conceal a small tape recorder, set it to record when you see him, and say, "I'm pretty sure I misunderstood what you said to me the last time I saw you. Would you mind repeating it?"
If he says it again, take a copy of the tape (don't give up the original) to whoever supervises him. I don't know what an "elder" is in your religion, but it sounds to me like he he's trying to take advantage of his position. Don't let him get away with it because the next time he might do worse to someone else.
2007-06-19 20:46:53 · answer #8 · answered by YY4Me 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
first of all, most people dont know when to draw the line with personal remarks...he may have said it with the "best" of intentions....putting your foot in your mouth can occur without much thought.
on the other hand....it may have been a deliberate attempt at "foreplay" so to speak with you...clumsy and disgusting as it was....he's probably now waiting to see what kind of response he gets from you. Since you seem to respect his wife and wouldnt want to hurt her you have to decide if its something worth mentioning to her. She actually has the right to know her husband is talking about masturbating to other women and not in a doctor/patient etc setting. I suggest you take him aside(in public) as mention it was a rude and personal thing to say which really offended you and kindly refrain from future remarks and then walk away....dont wait for an explanation as he may use that to "get in deeper"(i said it was clumsy). if he lets it pass then dont say anything to the wife....if he finds another opportunity to say such a thing....then the gloves are off and you got a job to do.....if he's saying these sorts of things to you chances are he's saying them to other women....you might want to discreetly ask around actually. You might find some other "victims" and confront him all together. Good luck
2007-06-19 20:45:14 · answer #9 · answered by coolred38 5 · 3⤊ 1⤋
1. married men, even elders, should not be visiting single ladies alone
2. his comment was completely inappropriate and not his business or place to make
3. you need to make sure he is never alone with you again
4. if it was my church, I would make a complaint to anyone is above him in the church
5. if it was not dealt with I would change churches
2007-06-19 22:05:15 · answer #10 · answered by good tree 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋