Mormons: this happened to me in church and I didn't like it, what should I do?

Question

Sunday while I was in church I went outside to call my brother, then I entered the building and started to talk with the missionaries and we called my bother again, right after our talk was done I was going to the class again and this guy came from the room accross and started to flirt with me, he belongs to the english ward that is in the same building with the spanish ward I attend. He seems to be in his middle or late 40's and I'm 18 y/o and 6 months old. He was asking me for my phone number and having my celphone in my hands I told him that I didn't have any number, he insisted and I started to act cold to him and he kind of stopped insisting and wrote his phone number and gave it to me. He said that there were few "nice LDS ladies like me" but I barely talk to him, I don't like him and I feel pretty uncomfortable with all this. That same day earlier he was outside the Relief Society room and started to talk about my necklace, I started to feel... wait details

uncomfortable since then. I don't want any kind of relationship with that man, he doesn't look trustworthy to me. He always used to say hi to me and my mom and I used to think that he was very nice. But I feel really weird about this and I'm affraid that he bothers me in the future. I think that by my reaction maybe he could have seen that I'm not even a little interested in him. I told some church friends about this and some of them took it as a joke, me too, kind of but I didn't like it! I don't want to be mean, especially in church and I don't want to lie (I was thinking about telling him that I'm 17). He said that he was thinking about me in a church activity (all LDS in the entire areas + more stakes) we had on friday at a baseball game and he said that he was Puerto Rican and I could help him learn spanish (I'm dominican) because he doesn't know it. I was so mad for the rest of the class and I next time I go to churh I don't want to still feel uncomfortable. What can I do?

i don't think he's metro-sexual because he looks soooooo weird!

but really! I hate this situation and it has been bothering me since Sunday.

No, he didn't do sexual harassement.
He was like asking me to go places with him, call him, date him, etc... but it was sooooo annoying!

Answer 1

You do need to make it clear to him that you have absolutley no interest in him. Tell him to leave you alone. It may sound mean, but you should do it. One thing you need to remember is that while the church and the doctrine are correct and perfect, we still have our agency. Sometimes some members excersize that agency in the wrong way. I am sorry that you have had this experience. I have been a member my entire life and have found that most of the members are good upstanding people. Most of the men honor the priesthood and their covenants. You need to find out if this man is married or not- if he is, he is completely violating his covenants. I also would suggest counseling with your bishop on this matter. He can advise you as to what you need to do, it will also put them on the alert to make sure this guy is not doing inappropriate stuff in his own ward. I would not have liked that either. It would have creeped me out. Please remember that this is not the norm for men in the church. Most are good honorable men and would never dream of doing something to violate their covenants. Please don't loose faith that there are decent men out there.

Answer 2

Sis, although he didn't make any physical contact, if you feel uncomfortable and insulted in a sexual way, I judge it to be sexual harassment. I have no idea what that old man is thinking, but it's obvious that it's something seriously wierd as you have felt so. Even though it might be hard thing to do, you really gotta act boldly and warn him right in his face. If you are fraid to do so, get help from your mom. I know what that person's type is since I had that kind of manga fanatic girl who bothered me almost throughout the year.(She graduates today. Yeah!) She was obsessed with me and kept staring at me all the time, (and read my profile by accessing the office computer) until I warned her "You really should stop staring since that makes me extremely angry and offended. Don't you ever do that again!" Before that time, she seemed to have created her own fantasy about me. For example, when I stared her back as a sign of offense, she would look at me smile. I guess she thought that she attracted me or something. Anyways, that guy's a wierd person like the girl I just talked about and he won't stop bothering you unless you show your hatred and agner in a direct way. He will create his own world and believe that he can make you come to him. It sound kind of crazy, but it is their way of thinking. Don't feel sorry to him when you warn him in a mean way. He deserved it and it's the only solution that's gonna work. Also those people are irrisponsible. Good Luck.

Answer 3

I liked the mature answers from everyone, LDS and non-LDS alike. Shuger was the first good response. You can start by telling the guy honestly, kindly, and directly that you are not interested and that the church is no place to be pressuring people like that and driving the good spirit of the meetings away. When that does not work, see to it both your bishops know, consult, and keep an eye on him. You're likely not the only one he's made a pass at. Finally, pray to keep the right spirit at all times, despite such distractions. Stay strong!

Answer 4

I kinda had something like this happen once. I had a coworker once strike up a conversation about how it had been suggested to her to date around a bit and she was wondering if I'd be interested at all. Now, she was a nice person, but simply not the type of individual that I'd ever consider dating (through absoutely no fault of anybody's, but let's face it, we all have our "type" when it comes to things like dating, and for me it just wasn't her). I'd remembered how another coworker had an "I don't date coworkers" policy (which was understandable; if you dated a coworker and things went sour, you'd still have to work together), and it was the only diplomatic excuse I could think of on the spot.

I don't know if having some sort of version of that (modified to fit the specifics of your situation) would help or not, but it's a thought.

I do also like the suggestions that you should grab the bishop (either yours or his, if you know his bishop at all) and give him a heads-up as to what's going on. It may simply be that he doesn't realize that he's coming across as overbearing here, and having someone letting him know might help (as an LDS single guy myself, I'd certainly want to know if I was unintentionally making someone uncomfortable!).

Answer 5

Ick, I know how you feel! There are always creepy men no matter where you are who don't know how to behave properly.

If you are anything like me, you are always afraid to hurt someone's feelings by telling them to get lost so you end up feeling uncomfortable & grossed out. But you gotta do it. I wish that I had told more guys to leave me alone. I like being attractive, but not when it brings on the creepies!

Tell him that he is too old for you & this should work. If he doesn't agree or doesn't leave you alone, talk to your Bishop & have him talk to the guy & get him to back off. Be strong & stand up for yourself. I wish I could come & stand next to you to help you get him to go away!!! Or just be rude & walk away from him. Don't let it stop you from being comfortable at church because that is where you need to be the most comfortable.
Good luck!

Answer 6

I agree with the others that you need to tell him that you are not interested in going out with him. Secondly, I would tell someone in the Bishopric what you are feeling and have them tell him to back off as well.
Just for the benefit of your readers, "Mormons" have good and bad members like any other group of people. We are in the Church to improve and become more like God. We don't claim to already be like Him. So if you encounter a bad apple in the barrel now and then, it should not surprise nor shock any observer.
It seems that you have found one of those bad apples. I have seen his type before. They are usually socially awkward and hungry for companionship, especially female. They develop innocent obsessions with pretty young ladies that can turn into dangerous obsessions if not curbed and controlled. Do not ignore your uncomfortable feelings and do enlist some help to communicate to this man that he is off base.

Answer 7

You are making us look immature and self centered.

Second, a man in his 40's would not hit on an 18 year old girl at Church.

Third, LDS does not segregate based on ethnic background. That was the big give away saying that he was from the English ward and you are from the Spanish ward. We don't have a White ward or a Black ward. You might be thinking back many years ago when Blacks were not able to join the Priesthood. Times have changed!

Mormons aren't racist OK?

Answer 8

I know we don't agree on matters of faith, but I do think we can agree on this!

If he made you feel uncomfortable, that was God telling you to be careful! If he pursues you again tell him to get lost! If he doesn't go to the bishop and if he still doesn't stop the police.

I know that God gives us these feelings for a reason. He wants you to be safe. Make sure you are never alone when this man is present. Don't let anybody laugh at your discomfort over the situation. God is telling you to stay away from this man.

By the way, I am praying for your grade and financial aid situation to work out well. School can be difficult, especially if English isn't your 1st language!

Answer 9

Talk to the bishop the situation will be taken care of. Just because he is mormon does not mean he is not a pervert. There are men in the church who are like that. Be careful.
I work at a grocery store and always get hit on by those type of men i tend to ignore them and avoid them most of the time it works. If that doesn't having a good guy friend pretend he is your boyfriend help a lot. I've done that even fellow employees at my work were willing to help. Hope everything works out.

Answer 10

I had a simliar situation with a guy when I was at the Y - he was kinda - friends with one of my roommates and in one of my religion classes - looking back on the situation I think it could have been handled differently, but the way I handled it - it worked out fine - I also had this religion class with a great friend from my mission and I told him about the situation and asked him to help (the creepy guy knew that I sat next to my friend all the time) and so we started to hold hands and looking like we were dating while entering / leaving the room and during class - but not in a gross inappropriate way. When the guy would come and see my roommate - I would call my friend up (he was ny nieghbor as well) and he would come over and we would hang out in the kitchen laughing for periods of time and then not - he couldn't see anything - but it gave the idea that we were really together. One day I ran into the guy on campus and he said "I saw you 'hand holding'" - I said what are you talking about - and then I told him that I was in a relationship with my friend - a few weeks later my friend and I were acting just friends again and the guy asked me about it - I told him that we still had feelings for eachother, but that things were complicated, the the relationship with my friend had developed because the guy was creeping me out and it brought us closer together - so I thanked him for that. He was greatly offended and never spoke to me again. Yes there was some lying involved, but the friend and I did started to have a real relationship afterwards and the situtation did contribute to that. Then I moved away and never had to deal with them again. Talking with your bishop, RS pres, really doesn't do much - there is really nothing they can do. If things become really bad - ie fall into the harassing category - or violation of church standards - then the bishop can intervine, but he can only take away his temple recommend and counsel him (we had a stalker from a ward on my mission and that was all that the bishop could do - so we were emergency transfered out of that area) If your dad is around - he could have a chat with the guy. But the only thing that you can do if things turn criminal is to call the police - other than that just avoid the guy. There is one other thing that you can do - I don't recommend it - you can start acting "unworthly" - than you are not as appealing - but that can give you a bad image to other people - and yes it is a lye - good luck