Wedding Problems, Inlaws driving me nuts!?

Question

Hi everyone, OK so my fiancee's mom is driving us nuts. I am jewish and she is catholic. We decided to have a "Humanistic Jewish" wedding and now her mom is being unsupportive of it. How do we get her to understand that the wedding is cultural and not "religious" hence why we are doing the humanistic wedding. It's a generic wedding with lots traditions, and we are even including some Catholic traditions. Please help, this our first (and only) wedding we want everyone to have a good time and enjoy it. (It's too late to go to vegas our deposits are already in... we already thought of that... ) Thanks!

Who is paying? Her mom is contributing to the wedding costs.

Why Humanistic? Because thats what we want... There is a much more in depth answer but thats the best way to put it.

Answer 1

She needs to talk to her mom. now is a good time to practice that whole Stand united thing. It sounds like you two know what you want and have a great start. Her mom is probably stuck in that fear zone. Her little girl is getting married.. and it may be hard for her to understand what to do. and if she falls on traditions alot it will be even harder for her to cope with losing her daughter and not understanding this new tradiation. It's going to take work to get her to understand. alot of talking and comforting and trasition times for her. OR say hey like it or leave but.. I don't know if that would be your best choice. Good luck

Answer 2

Tough one because us Catholics like everything to be done "by the book".

I've learned from experience that it's all about the blessing though really, not the ceremony. Its important that the marriage be "blessed". In fact without the blessing bit the rest of the wedding is a waste of time, spiritually speaking.

It's possible to have a blessing ceremony and not a full-blown wedding in a Catholic Church.

If you get her mother to look into that she'll probably feel more at ease - she may think you need the whole shebang for it to be formally recognised by the church.

Look, I think its great that you two can get along interfaith - that's a really encouraging sign.

I guess for mother's sake (and secretly probably daughters) what I'd suggest is you go ahead and have the Humanistic Jewish Ceremony and then, before the reception, duck off to the Catholic Church for a simple blessing with just your parents and best man.

I'm sure if you approach her mother with this idea and let her know that you are sensitive to her wishes and really respect the strength of her faith and suggest that you both go together to learn about the "blessing" so that you can share the planning she'll probably be more supportive.

And it probably wouldn't hurt if you can locate a Priest who'd be willing to conspire with you to gently remind her that Jesus was Jewish.

Also, the registry is technically the wedding so anything after that is really a matter of celebrating belatedly with the ones you love anyway.

I know she's driving you nuts. Imagine how your mother would feel if you went the whole 1 hour stand up - knees down Catholic mass without much attention the the Jewish side.

Good luck - post a photo.

Answer 3

I had a Jewish humanist wedding and it was beautiful. All you can do in a situation like this is keep thanking your future mil for advice. Say, thanks that's a really good idea. Ask her what traditions she feels are important. Then just do what you want. MIL is trying to be controlling and the only way to deal with people like that is to make them feel like they are winning.

Finally, remember that this wedding is for you. It will be wonderful if everyone enjoys it, but you can't change anyone but yourself. Your MIL will interpret it her own way and that is her problem. You can't make her feel differently. The only thing you can control is how you react to her. Have a great time. The ceremony will be beautiful.

Answer 4

Only vaguely familiar with a Humanistic wedding and not sure how it would combine with a Jewish ceremony. However, one of the other posters is right. It's going to be hard to get a traditional Catholic mother to agree to and support anything other than a wedding at a Catholic church. My mother is the same way about her faith and she's Baptist. I have explained to her multiple times why I will likely get married in a Catholic church (he is, I'm not) instead of Baptist and nothing is making that easier for her. It would be the same way for his mother. All you can ask is that she attend and be happy for her daughter but she is likely not going to get excited about it not being the service she was imagining.

Answer 5

Sit her down and talk to her. Unfortunately, wedding seem to bring out the best and worst in people. She may feel left out of the wedding process because you are not choosing "her" traditions. Perhaps by explaining your ideas and telling her how happy you are that she supports and trusts you to design your wedding, she'll take the hint. Maybe it would also help to include her in another area of planning. For example, take her to the cake testing. Or let her pick out favors.

In the end remember: you can't please everyone. Do what you want first, because no matter what you do, someone will have a problem with it.

Enjoy and good luck!

Answer 6

Twenty years down the marital road, I can tell you that the things that are "bothersome" at the beginning can and usually do become unbearable at some point after the big event, no matter how it is done. The vows are said in a matter of minutes then you have to live your lives together with no one being any different. If her mother is a big problem now, I dare say it won't get any better. If I were you, I would suggest to my fiancee that pre-marital counseling is of the utmost of importance. It can save you from years of potential grief or show you that the two of you are strong enough to withstand what is ahead of you.

Answer 7

I think it's time for you and the fiance to sit down with the mom and say, "Look, this is what WE want, and we would really appreciate you respecting our wishes."

If she is throwing that big of a fit over it, she should get married (again) and do it her way.

I had a heck of a time convincing my future mother-in-law that things have changed since the early 60s when she got married and I don't like half of the ideas she's thrown my way.

The only thing you can do is stand your ground and tell her to sit through the ceremony with an open mind. She might be surprised at how beautiful it turns out, especially when she sees how happy you both are!

Answer 8

*Is Catholic*

sigh.

So instead of doing a Jewish or a Catholic wedding you decide to deny both your faiths?

I think you need to learn a lot more about what it means to be Jewish before you get married. It is rather silly to hear a Jew say that a wedding is only a cultural thing.

I side with her mom. You both need to learn a lot more about G-d and what He wants and expect of you. Don't treat religion as if it is some sort of cultural thing.

Answer 9

Hey you can't please everyone. The only two people who need to be pleased is the bride and groom. Just because she is helping to pay for the wedding doesn't mean she has a say so in how the wedding happens. Just let her know that you will take her opinions into consideration but she can't be mad if you don't do everything she wants you to do. If you start letting her make decisions with you and your spouses life's' it will never end. Be strong and united with your fiance.

Answer 10

I think you could have trouble making her understand your position here. The Catholic church considers marriage a sacrament, so not holding it in a church could be tantamount to ignoring God in her mind. She may be concerned about what this means for your souls. If she's devout, she's never going to see your wedding as cultural as opposed to religious.

That said, don't stop trying to make her understand where you're coming from. She may not ever entirely understand, but she may come to accept that you and her daughter needed to find your own way. If there's any small concession you can make that will help her accept it, try to do it. If nothing will make her happy short of you marrying in a Catholic church, let her know you both love her but that's not the way you're doing things.

Stay firm on the big picture and flexible on the details. Be as nice as you can, but don't be a doormat.

Best of luck with this, and congratulations on your marriage. I hope you'll be very happy.

Answer 11

All I can say is that my in-laws interfered with our wedding and it was awful!

Due to the fact we didn't do it thier way they were annoyed.We tried to compromise-probably too much but in the end my father in law chose to boycott the day.

My mother-in-law came without him and then spent the day in tears as she wanted him at her side-nightmare.

Trouble is as I see it-people forget that when it comes down to it the day is about the two of you,not about family cultures,religions or traditions.Of anyone(and I know this from my experience) the two of you will have the most regrets if you loose sight of the day you really want.

Stick to your plans-compromising what you really want may spoil it for you.

Hopefully her mom will support it in the end.

Good luck