Religion concern?

Question

My wife and I are planning on starting a family inside of year. One of a number of concerns I have is with my mother. She is extremely religious-a fact she often times reminds me of. Typically, when we go over there, she will basically force my wife and I to attend her church. She has also stated on several occasions that she thinks my wife and I (and any kids we have) should attend church. We very well might but think it is not her place to say a thing. One thing I do not want to see is her forcing her religion down my children's throats. An offense like that would likely result in her not being permitted to see her grandchildren unless supervised by either my wife or I. I feel that she should be warned; however, any time I bring up anything that even has a hint of not going along with her religion she immediately take offense. Any ideas as to dealing with this situation?

So far, I like the letter idea. Let me give an example. My father is very sick-my mother's statement to me was that your very ill father's dying wish is for you to start heading back to church on a regular basis. I realize that religion is important to her; however, my beliefs are important as well. When I was younger, my grandparents always wanted tried to force their beliefs down the gullets of their grandkids. I see my mother going along the same path. When my father realized what was happening, the family didn't visit the grandparents all that much after that. When I was a teenager, I refused to see them for about 6 months before relenting-they lived about 12 miles away. I can't imagine this path being a good way to go from a grandparents standpoint-would imagine it to be rough. So, while my warning statement may be a bit strong, my intent is to try to avoid an extremely bad situation by taking action early on.

We will definitely be teaching our children our beliefs-I just don't want to see my children quizzed on exodus like I was by my grandparents at 13. And, then treated horribly when not knowing all their questions. The problems I have with my mother run deep. I think I am going to post another question that addresses all the issues I have. And, go from there. Everyone's questions have really helped me figure out in a succinct way the problems that I do have. Hopefully, can figure out a good way to deal with them from there.

Answer 1

Recite the verse, "Let your utterance be always with graciousness, seasoned with salt, so as to know how you ought to give an answer to each one". (colossians 4:6). This simply states that when speaking to others, even if they oppose your opinions and beliefs, you should do so in a respectful manner. It's ok for your mom to discuss and share her religious viewpoints as long as she is not trying to forcefully push it off on you or act aggressively against your beliefs. Also, let her know that her behavior, concerning religion, only turns you and your wife away from the idea of it. Maybe once your mom realizes how much harm she is truly doing than good she will act more respectfully. Make clear your boundaries concerning any matters you and your wife have and stand by them. Just remember to stay clear of being disrespectful and combative when having this discussion with your mom.

Answer 2

I know what you mean. My husband's mother is very religious, while we are not. However, when she is trying to force it on us, he is very firm with her, even though sometimes she gets into tears because of that. Of course, compromises can be made - for instance, she really wanted to get our kids baptised and we went along - I mean, if it is important to her, why not, we just let her have it without putting to much emphasis on it. We also occasionaly go to church with her - not often, but once in a while. I think now she understands and respects our choices, even though initially it was a struggle.

Answer 3

Talk to your mother, alone, without your wife. Your mother may just think it's your wife who's "putting words in your mouth" if she's there. Go to your mother, and let the first words out of your mouth be, "Mom, I really respect your opinion, and I respect your religion." Opening with a compliment should stall any outbursts. Then tell her that although you respect her religion, you have different beliefs (I don't know if you're a different religion, maybe you just don't believe church is as necessary as she believes it to be) And tell her that just as she got the chance to raise you by her beliefs, you want the chance to raise your kids by yours. Tell her up front that you will not allow her to religiously harass your children, and if she does, you will have to limit their time alone with her. (Don't say you won't let them see her, that's just antagonizing)
Also, don't put up with her forcing her religion down YOUR throats...if you put up with that, she will think you'll put up with it for your kids. If she bothers you about going to church when you're at her house, leave. Just leave. Call her later and explain why. You have to set boundaries and stick to them...but if you can't set boundaries for how she talks to you about religion, you certainly won't be able to enforce boundaries when it comes to your kids.

Answer 4

What's wrong with teaching your kids your own beliefs (or your own feelings about religion). Also, teach them that other people feel differently about religion - including Grandma & Grandpa.

Then teach them how to politely respond with respect to Grandma & Grandpa's religion, but to be confident in their own beliefs & values.

"I think it's cool that you feel so strongly about your religion, Grandma. I find your church services very interesting and fun to attend when we visit. I'm not ready to join your church, though. I still have some reservations about whether I can join in believing the things that you believe at this time." (All in their own words, of course, and with love & respect)

Answer 5

You have a right to bring your children up the way you want.Explain that in a letter but dont be too hard.Its her right to see her grandchildren.It does not hurt to attend church once in a while with your mother.

Answer 6

i think forewarning her may actually be worse. before you have children, you need to put mom straight about yourselves. if you are not regular church goers but attend her church when you visit, you've made it possible for her to think the same will happen with your future children.i know it's hard to hurt your parents feelings but, sometimes it has to be. hopefully,when the time comes for children, she will realize how you feel about her forcing her views on you. should the need arise,after you have kids, to tell her to back off, then do it, firmly but nicely.

Answer 7

Jason, why are you so angry and defensive about your mother's beliefs?....forcing religion down your throats, her not being permitted to see your children, warning her, not her place....you will see that when you are a parent, you will always want for your children what you think is best for your children....as an adult you no longer have to obey your parents or follow in their beliefs, but understand how important they are to her, and why she continues to try to make them important to you...do this with love, not with warnings and threats. talk to her respectfully about your differences in beliefs, but how you love her for caring so much...

Answer 8

Write her a kind letter explaining your feelings. This way if she takes offense you will still get your message across. Hope I could help. :)