Another in-laws question for you- Is it appropriate to tell them they can't stay w/ us when they visit?

Question

My husband and I are in our 20's. We bought our first home a year and a half ago. We are expecting our second child shortly. My in-laws live 3 hours away and when they visit us they stay overnight at our house, which only has 2 bedrooms. I do not have the best relationship w/ them (see another question of mine!) and it is really stressful for me with them sleeping in my living room for days at a time. If we had another room where they could stay , it wouldn't be so bad. Now with the baby coming it's going to be even more crowded. Is there a way to say this nicely?

I forgot to mention- these are some of the CHEAPEST people I have met in my life. They do however, have a relative nearby that has an extra bedroom. They have on occasion stayed there but as not to be rude to them (why not extend the same courtesy for us?) they limit it to a night or two. Also, my Mom who lives much farther away, visits twice, maybe three times a year and stays with us, but she is by herself when she visits. Other people have stayed with us too, mostly friends, sometimes couples. The difference is, they know wehn to leave and I can tolerate them in my home :) I can't have a double standard either. But my husband works, I stay home so I'm the one who gets stuck w/ his parents when he's not here. Suggestions?

Answer 1

I read your other question. I think you need to make a comment about how your couch has lost it's shape after their last visit and you're afraid that she wont be comfortable so maybe they should stay in a hotel this time:-)

Answer 2

You ask, "is there a way to say this nicely". No, not really. It is the problem though. It's probably better for you just to be nice and suck it up--you might need them to return a favor one day and you don't want to burn this bridge.

My folks visit all the time from the opposite coast and I put them up and cook. We give up our bedroom and sleep on the couch(it's not even a pull-out). I don't mind it because they're my folks, but my brother's wife is more standoffish and stays upstairs till 3 in the afternoon when they visit her--they live only 1 state away from the folks and they have lots of extra bedrooms--I came right out and told my folks they should just get a hotel when they visit brother because it makes his wife stressed and they won't listen to me. Brother won't tell them to get a hotel because he has a perfectly big house. The whole situation stresses me out I don't want sister in law to be stressed or worse yet complain or have ill feelings about mom and dad.

I'm just glad my folks are still around and have enough health and money to make visits--they annoy the bageebees out of my husband but he just sleeps on the couch and pays for their keep for the week like a good son-in-law..that's why I love him.

Answer 3

Absolutely! Just get your research done on some very nice and some nice but inexpensive hotels, bed and breakfasts or whatever you have around your area. Let them know you have found these nice places so they and your children can get the rest everyone needs to spend quality time together. Let them know they are welcome for meals if they do not want to eat out all the time. And be sure and set what time breakfast and dinner would be if you are eating at your house! You do not want visitors at 6 AM!
Shame on these in-laws for doing this! I would never dream of imposing on our daughter and her family while we are visiting! She has a 2 bedroom apt with her husband and 2 children and there is just not the room for all of us, even though she protests each time. There is a nice hotel right up the block from her so it is easy enoug for us that way.
So, as gently as you can just explain your child now gets too wound up and it exhausts you now to have to get her back to zero and you cannot get your rest so you will be glad to help them find a nice place close to you to sleep while they visit.
Good luck, I know this is hard and it is really too bad the in-laws put people in this position - your husband really shoudl be the one doing the explaining, not you!

Answer 4

Your husband should do this, if he won't, he's a coward.

Other answers are good, being pregnant you don't need the added stress, and your place is too small for overnight guests in the future. Find a local motel, get the price; AND, even pay for the first night if you absolutely have to, but your husband is going to have to be firm about this. You should not be made out to be the BAD GUY.
You'd better have the same policy for your own family, however, or you ARE the bad guy.

Answer 5

First, three hours drive is not "in the neighborhood" so they should not be dropping in unannounced. If they do, you have absolutely NO obligation to put them up for the night.

Correct etiquette is that they do not come to visit unless they are invited by you and your wife. But there is the catch, if you invite them to visit, YOU are responsible for their sleeping arrangements. You could put them up in a hotel or motel, or coordinate with the other relative so they could sleep there.

You need to resolve this NOW, before the baby comes because if you do not, they will be dropping in more and more often to visit the grand kid. Best time to fix a problem is before it gets more involved.

Answer 6

i don't think its rude to tell them they can't stay over like others have suggested , arrange for them to stay at a hotel...if your able to afford it let the in-laws know its paid for. BY the way 3 hours isn't even that much of a distance how many days so they plan to stay....i think a weekend every few months is fine but if you prefer not to have them over that is totally your choice... and trust me i know about family cramming in a house i come from a hispanic family with a lot of family and sometimes they all stay at the hosts home for inconvenience LoL. goodluck

Answer 7

I have the most wonderful mother-in-law in the world, and I'm still tired of her after a couple of days. That being said, YOU can not tell them that you don't want them staying with you. Your husband has to be the one, and if he can't say it without either hurting their feelings or blaming you, then you need to suck it up and deal with them. Whenever my mother-in-law wants to do something with us that I would rather just be me, my husband, and our son, I tell him, and he invites his mother to do something else with us another weekend. All she ever hears from me is, "You are always welcome to come visit & stay with us any time you want to." That is why she likes me way more than her other daughter-in-law.

Answer 8

An easy way is to lie and say that the doctor says that you're not to have houseguests during the pregnancy because of the stress... and then after the baby is born, you could claim that you need the rest.

Or you could tell them you feel really, really bad about them having to be in those cramped quarters and that you'd feel like a better daughter-in-law if you arranged for them to have the comfort of a bed in a hotel.

Answer 9

You kinda have a little prediciment here but I would let hubby handle this one to avoid further tainting your already bad relationship. Simply explain that although they are always welcome to hang out on visits, it may be easier and space saving in a small home with 2 rambunctious children if they sleep in a hotel and then come visit during the day. Sugar coat it with planned day trips outside the home and letting them take the child(ren) for a few hours just them. You do have to accept his parents tho, you married him. Easy for me to say cuz I don't have that prob but if I did that's what I'd do. I think?

Answer 10

Don't even say it, make the Hotel reservation, give them the reservation confirmation number and take them out to dinner!
Sorry , I am a mother in law with a married daughter, and a married Son, Man I would NOT do that to my Kids!