how do you overcome "double standards"in a relationship?

Question

sometimes my BF will say he doesn't want me to do something like for instance have male friends or he gets upset if we are together and my cell phone rings however he talks to his female friends whenever he wants to and he stays on the phone all the time

Answer 1

Let him know that even though you are in this relationship you're still your own woman. He is not your daddy. You don't need his permission to do anything. It's all about trust and without it there's nothing. You both should be able to have friend of the opposite sex with out a bunch of jealousy drama going on.

Answer 2

You simply have to talk. You both need to know what the other is thinking and feeling about this. A lot of times people are like that because they are insecure of themselves and so doing things like this is a way to gain control and diminish the insecurities. The only problem is that it does nothing to fix the real problem, which is with him.

In the very worst cases this insecurity can rear its ugliness in domestic violence instances when one person is controlling the other person and their life, like not letting them leave the house, or listening to all their phone calls, not allowing friends, to the worst cases, beating up on someone and even killing them. Your relationship does not sound like it is that bad, but you could be at the early stages. That is why you need to act now if you want this relationship to grow with mutual respect and last.

Be careful how you approach it however, because insecurity is sensitive territory. You know him better than we do, so pick a time when there are no distractions and you feel he would be open to talking about it. Let him know what is bothering you and don't play the blame game. Say things in a way that will not trigger him to go into a defensive mode, which he may do since he is already insecure. Use statements such as "when this happens, I feel this"...and you may even start by saying "I was wondering if it makes you uncomfortable when I talk to my guy friends?" and if he says "yes", then ask him "why do you feel that way?" and that may get you started. Just stay calm, speak in a cool, collective tone. If things start to get heated, just stop and say, "hey, this was not meant to make anyone angry", "I am just trying to understand how you feel." "I really want to work this out, so that we can be closer."

These are simply suggestions, take it or leave it, but talking is key and doing it now is also key. I wish you all the best. Good luck!

PS. Once the issue is out in the open and has been discussed and agreed on in terms of what has to happen, if things continue as they are, then he needs to go get counseling and you need to find someone else. Unless he is willing to accept that he has a problem and is willing to work to make a change, then he will remain the same person and will continue to do these same things and there is nothing you can do to change him. He has to change himself.

Answer 3

I don't know how old you are, but the old double standard doesn't work. He sounds like he is a dominating creature who want to eat his cake and have it, too. The older generation had a saying that went like this......"what's good for the goose is good for the gander". In other words, if it is ok for one, it is ok for the other.

I think you need to find a companion who respects your wishes, and doesn't want to isolate you. This is not about a double standard, it is about his desire to control you, and that is NEVER a good thing in a relationship, whether it be casual, or the relationship which will end in marriage.

Answer 4

First of all, double standards should not exist in a "healthy relationship". He should be able to put himself and your shoes and vice versa. You have 3 options - you should talk to him about it (hope he listens/pays attention), realize that this is just how he is and he's not going to change or drop him like a bad habit and get a new man.

Answer 5

Well from what you've given me to work with i can only assume that you have a jealous boyfriend who is possessive of you. From what I've seen in my own experience all i can say is either tell him to change or find someone new. There are plenty of fish in the sea and some of them are more hidden then others.

Answer 6

That is tough because if they expect you to behave one way they should be held to that behavior also. Did you approach him and ask why it is ok for him to have female friends and you can't have male friends? Sounds like he is a little insecure to if you can't have guy friends. Tell him that you have no problem with not having guy's for friends, but you expect the same from him.

Answer 7

Tell him this, "You either trust me, or you don't. I don't see this relationship lasting if we don't have trust."

Plus, I bet some of those guy-friends have been friends of yours for a long time; longer than you have been with this boyfriend. I have several guy friends. Guys that have been my friends since we were babies. I would dump a boyfriend looooong before I would stop talking to my best buddies.

Answer 8

You find a new boyfriend - one who accepts, and maybe even likes, your male pals (provided that's all they are).

And the shoe goes on the other foot - as long as your BF's female pals are just that - pals - then accept them - and maybe even learn to like them.

Answer 9

Be independent and do what is right for YOU. This is how you overcome it. If he's gonna break up with you over something like that - good riddance. Don't be afraid to be your own person - you will find someone who appreciates you for who you are.

Answer 10

Point it out to him. Tell him that he can't say you can't do something and he is doing the same thing. Don't whine about it, say it to him bluntly. But as long as he can do it, then you can too.