What do you do about parents who think they can come in you life?

Question

What do i do when i never knew my mother or father for 10 years an then all a sudden they come into my life an think htey can rule over me. I kno im young but just to think of them coming into my life tellin me whats wrong an right just dont seem to BE right. After when i was little my dad left when i was 4months an my mom left when i wasnt even 2years old. Tryin 2 say they love me...if u loved me y did u leave?

Answer 1

That's a good question that you should ask them. After all, it doesn't seem like they are the right people to be talking about what's right and wrong. Be brutally honest with them, not only do they deserve to know how they hurt you but you deserve some answers.

Answer 2

It's hard, I understand, I've had a few people try to come back into my life after years of their absence. It wasnt easy for me to get over the hurt of them leaving me but I had to realize that my mom and my dad knew they made terrible mistakes. Get to know them they wont be around forever. Don't miss out on having even the smallest relationship with them if they really are trying. Give them a chance; people make mistakes sometimes. But if they honestly are not trying to do right by you; dont worry about it.

Answer 3

Have you been in therapy for this. This kind of stuff leaves alot of messy stuff behind if you do not address it...that is my opinion.
But yeah back to your question, you avoid them. Set boundaries for yourself. Make those boundaries clear to them. Otherwise they may hurt you...again. And if they ask you what your problem is then tell them how you feel. You have that right just as they had the right to leave you and not take their responsibility as a parent serious. Then walk away until you want to see them again. You make the call because this is your life.

Answer 4

Parents are people too. They have problems, and sometimes those problems are too big to enable them to raise a child. I don't know the circumstances, but I think that this is a question you should ask THEM before you decide that they don't love you. You may be surprised at their answer, if you give them a chance to tell you what was going on in their life at the time.

Good luck.

Answer 5

I know it is hard to understand, but more than lilkely both your mom & dad had some real problems and they had to make themselves better....and they did leave due to loving you and wanting what was best for you...

it's okay to be angry and not trust them though.

tell whoever has been taking care of you that their sudden return into your life is causing you problems, and you want to go see a counselor to help sort out your feelings.

Answer 6

Give them a chance. They may be trying to make up for what they did. You were so young, you don't really know the circumstances of why they left.

Forgiveness is a much better feeling than hate.

Answer 7

Your completely right. They may have birthed you but they don't even deserve the right to be called Mom & Dad, they were just sperm and egg donors.
Your mom is the one who has raised you. Your parents don't even deserve to have children by doing that.
Sorry, sweetie but your completely right.
They have no business telling you anything now, tell them where were you 10 years ago.
Good luck hon!

Answer 8

This has to be just so confusing and frustrating for you! Wow! This is so much presure for a young person such as you. I am sorry you find yourself in this situation.

However, since you are in the situation and asked what we think, well I will try to do my best.

First I honestly think it might be a good idea to seek professional assistance. Not because I think you need any mental health help, but because sometimes a third party can help iron out confusing emotions. Also, a third party who isn't emotionally involved can help these Johnny come lately parents understand you are going to need time and space to come to accept them in your life.

I honestly think these two "parents" need to build a relationship with you before they start trying to be parents to you. You don't even know them, have issues of abandonement, yet here they are bossing you around, basic strangers.

Now, I know strangers often have authority over us. The police do, school teachers, principles etc do too. We always have people who have some authority who are also basic strangers. However, these two left you life ten years ago, suddenly are here, and wish to parent you, and have authority over you. That is not going to work out well, not unless they attempt to build a relationship with you first.

If they just zoom in on your life and suddenly begin bossing you around wihtout even addressing the issues of the past you are not going to do well emotionally. It is like they wish to forget the pain and hurt they caused never occurred. Ignoring issues never works, and in fact can cause more problems than ever. Feeling that you and your needs are ignored will cause them to increase in negitive power.

You do have control over your emotions. By control, I mean you can determine how you choose to view their presence in your life. You can view it as them attempting to be some type of parents to you now even though they haven't in the past, to how it might feel if they never tried at all to be a part of your childhood. How it would be if they just had waited until you were grown up and then tried to enter your life and only have an "adult" relationship with you.

I am not defending them, not at all, just trying to look at different angles of the situation. What brought them back? Why now? What do they want and expect from you? Why did they leave in the first place? Have they tried explaining where they were in their lives back then, and how maybe they thought they were doing the right thing for you by leaving. What would your life have been like had they kept you why back then? Would you have had a stable life, or how might it have been?

These are the types of questions you have to ask yourself and them. This is why I brought up a third party who is not involved emotionally. If not a counselor, then perhaps a impartial social worker, or friend? Somebody who can keep an emotional distance and not take their side in things just because they are your "parents". They don't feel like your parents, that is the point. Until they feel like parents you will have a difficult time accepting them as such.

This is a rough time for you. I think the most important person right now is you. The reason for my belief of that is not to tell you to be selfish. But because you are still a minor, a young teen, in some ways a kid. Not a little kid, but still a kid, you know? I believe the first priority goes to kids. You need support, somebody who will help you work through your emotions and come out the other side. You may never come to a place where you feel comfortable with them acting as parents to you, but then again you may.

As I don't know the circumstances of them leaving or of them returning now, I can't even say it is to their credit for trying at some point. Some say "better late than never", but I can't say that as perhaps you have been raised by people with money, who recently passed away with you inhereting a lot of money and now here comes your biological parents who want the money. See? I don't know the reasons they came back so I can't say, better late than never.

Now, if they have returned for no other reason than that they recovered from drug or alcoholism, or prison/jail, and are not clean, and ready to try to be your parents just because they really do love you and have missed you all these years, then yes, I think that would be great. However, is it really great? Would they have been better to let you be, allow you to finish being raised where you are with those you are with, not disrupt your life, than to just suddenly appear because they are now ready? Wouldn't that be selfish to just be off doing whatever the heck they pleased until the "choose" to finally be parents, disrupting your life and creating all this havoc?

To me that would be selfish, and not very loving on their part. If you have been in a stable home and doing well, or at least as well as any kid does while a teenager, then maybe they should have just stayed away and let you be. Perhaps a phone call here and there to build relations, but just let you finish growing up with the people who have been your parents these many years they were off doing whatever.

So, yeah, you have every reason to be angry and confused and it is a bit selfish on their part to just walk in and assume they can pick up where they left off when they abondoned you. That is wrong.

You know what? You don't have to doo this if you don't wish to. At least I don't think you do. Do you have a social worker? If so do you have somewhat of a decent relationship with the person? If so, talk to that person, or your school counselor and ask if you have to stay with them or if you can stay with somebody else. It could be a choice between these two or a foster home. But that would be your decision and I encourage you to get somebody who can help you sort it all out.

I am sorry you are in such a turmoil and such an emotional situation. This has just got to be so hard on you and I am so sorry. Have you tried telling them how difficult this is for you, that you don't know if you can handle it?

Talking and communication is always the best action to take regardless of anything. Please don't run away, that would just put you in danger and that would not improve things at all. Talk this out with somebody and get some support.

I wish you the best dear, and I wish you alll the happiness life brings. Good luck!

Answer 9

they shouldn't be able to. only your gaurdian can tell u wat to do. they may be your parents but they might as well be just another person in society. being gone that long its just not right