How can I get beyond this?

Question

My fiance recently told me that he wanted to push back our wedding another year or so. We had set the date for September of next year, and were just about to send the deposit in for our venue when he told me he was scared and would like to wait. I was obviously devistated, as I had begun the planning and the venue had been booked, but I agreed to put it off for a bit. I can see where he's coming from because he has a string of very messy divorces in his family ( not one couple still together!!) and the momentum of it all can be frightening. We've had a rough year too, and I wouldn't mind being a bit more financially stable before we wed. The problem is, I'm still so angry at him for canceling our original date! Things will be going well, and then he'll mention the wedding, and I instantly get heated! I'm trying to be understanding and practical, but it's so hard. I know he's scared, but I'm just so hurt.

Last night, he said he was thinking about New Zealand for our honeymoon, and just the mention of a honeymoon got me so mad that I had to go for a walk to cool down a bit. And, he told me that his friends, who were just engaged last month has chosen the same date for their wedding as we originally did!! Does he really expect me to attend someone elses wedding on the day I was supposed to get married???? Am I just being selfish here???

Silvergurl, that's my point. I'm trying to be supportive and help him, and I don't want to force him into anything...but when he talks about the wedding it's just a constant reminder to me that we're no longer having one.

No, I am not asking him to rush into a life decision just to make me happy. But, I would seriously lie him to stop talking about it! And, since this is a decision that he made, I would like him to be the one to explain it to the friends and family who are continually asking how the wedding plans are coming along.

Answer 1

So you are already planning more than a year ahead and now you've postponed it by 'another year or so'.

I have only one word: Stupid.

Both you and your fiance.

Him because he is scared and allows his life to be run by fear. Because he tries to get guarantees about the future. Because he is so scared that he prefers inaction over action.

And you because you agree to plan so far ahead in the first place, and allow him to postpone it indefinitely.
Do you really think he will go ahead the next time? Why on earth should he? He is looking for guarantees - that will not come. No one can ensure him that his life will be good.
But he chooses to wait. And you let him.

If I were you, I'd confront him with his fears - but I would not bend to them.
Without turning 'bitchy' (never do that), tell him to make a choice: The wedding is on or you find yourself forced to conclude that he does not feel secure enough with you - and there are consequences to that decision.

Sometimes you have to stand for what you believe in. If you don't, you should be willing to walk away.
Otherwise it sounds like you are wasting your time.

Answer 2

This is sort of a touchy subject fo me. I come from a family of lots of divorces. But that's them - not me! I am not going to let that dictate how my life will turn out!

But what bothers me is the constant postponement. I think that the "family of divorces" is just a cop-out. In my experience, this is a huge red flag that a marriage is not going to happen. And if this relationship already has these problems, what does that say about your future if you do get married? Just because you love someone, doesn't make them the "Right One".

I once loved a man. We were engaged for 5 years. We kept putting it off until he had a better job, until our relationship got better.... He was just an unhappy miserable person. And he tried to make me a miserable person. It led to emotional and physical abuse. I finally got the guts to leave. I loved him for some crazy reason, but he was not the man for me. No ampunt of couseling would have helped. We had created a destructive and unhealthy pattern that we couldn't break. Separately, we could both be happier.

That may or may not be the case for you, but if one of you is constantly postponing for lame reasons, take a look and see if there aren't bigger underlying reasons. If it is finances, you could forego the big wedding and do a simple ceremony for just a couple hundred bucks and have everyone over for a BBQ. The important thing is the union... not the grand wedding.

If the reasons for postponing are lame... there are other reasons. Other people's messy divorces should have no bearing on your relationship. You are not those people.

Answer 3

Strongly urge both of you go to counseling; it's understandable why he's afraid of marriage. He obviously loves you or he would have canceled the engagement and gone away on his own. You've even stated that you would like to be more secure financially, so give yourselves some time. As for attending the friends' wedding, that's on your former date, yes, you should attend, and yes, you are being selfish. Understandably, it may bring up feelings of hurt, but they didn't postpone your wedding, so don't hold that against them. Keep working to help your fiance get over his concerns about a possible failed marriage, and everything will work out just fine. If you truly love each other, then you need to help each other get past these fears. Good luck!

Answer 4

I agree with you 100%. He is the one that wanted to push back the date, yet he will not stop talking about wedding plans and honeymoons. I would tell family and friends that you decided to change the date to whatever the new one is because you felt like it. It really is no one else's businiess except yours and your fiance's. I would tell him how you feel about attending someone's wedding on the date you were supose to get married. Tell him it hurts your feeling and such. I know you don't wnat to pressure, but if this is going to not move along, maybe you should move on. Also you can look at it through this point.... sometimes things happen for a reason and when it is meant to happen it will. Maybe there is some reason that you will not find out for awhile that God wants you to wait to get married. Just be patient if you can and be sure to communicate, in a nice way if possibble, to your fiance how you feel about everything. Good luck, I will keep you in my prayers!

Answer 5

You were originally scheduled to be married in Sept. '08, and now you're looking at sometime in '09, yes? Considering everything you've said, I strongly suggest picking a date in 2009 and sticking with it. Get back into planning mode. Focusing on the new date will make things better when you think about the old date. And of course you should still attend the wedding that will be happening in Sept. 2008.

Tell your fiance that enough is enough. No, you don't want to rush him. Yes, you want to be supportive. But he can't cling to that fear forever, and he needs to realize that either he get over it, or he loses you. Or are you willing to stay in a relationship in which a marriage will never happen, because that is a possibility? My sister in law was engaged for 14 years, because he kept pushing the date back, before she got fed up.

I hate ultimatums, but now is the time for one. Either he settles on a date (and no pushing it back!) or you're gone. Waiting another year isn't so big of a deal, but you need to make sure he doesn't continue to push the date back.

Answer 6

You said it yourself, that you'd like to be more financially set before you get married, so why even Bother to get upset about it? If you both agreed upon it, then there's really no reason at all to get angry at him. I wish I had more time to plan my wedding which is in 11 days. I really do wish we had more time,and if the invites werent out I think we'd push it back too. Its not a big deal. If you two love each other, then what's the problem. You will be getting married a year later, and you'll be much better off with finances and confidence i hope.
Yes you should still attend your friends wedding on the same date... Be glad you changed yours first because now you dont have to argue with them about it being on the same day!

Answer 7

So... is the wedding cancelled altogether or are you just pushing it back? Can you set a new date for the wedding? Has he mentioned if he's just having cold feet or if he has serious reservations about marrying you? There's a huge difference and cold feet personally wouldn't make me postpone a wedding... (NOT saying that he doesn't want to marry you!! Just wondering if you've discussed this.)

Anyway! I would say to him, "let's set a new date. If you don't wish to do that right now, I'd like to just not talk about it for a while because I'm obviously very devestated that you cancelled our wedding." Hopefully it won't be an argument but just say your piece and he should understand.

Answer 8

Bottom line, he is afraid and he doesn't know what he wants. He certainly cares about you and wnats to get married with you, but it's understandable that he is afraid that the same family history will repeat on him. If you belive that he is theone for you and that you wouldn;t mind waiting another year, please do. This is a test of your love and perseverance. Life will trwo you a lot of curb ball and if you can handle this you could handle everything. If you love him, wait. There is nothing wrong about doing things the right way so they will last.

Him talking about the honeymoon, is because he WANTS to get married! If he didn;t want to, he woldnt even bother bringing the subject up! My suggestion is that instead of getting mad everytime he brings up somthing about the wedding, then talk about it in a mature way and calm down. If you blow up everything he brings up the honeymoon/wediing topic, he will avoid it altogether, and that's not what you want, do you??

My best advice: Make the marriage talk a happy talk, not a bitter dramatic one, otherwsie he will withdraw and spook away. Getting married should be a romantic gesture, and it will happen. Be patient, If you show shoursefl collected and mature about it, he will want to marry you MORE. If you get negativem, emotional and bitter, he will NOT want to bring uo the subject of marriage againg. Think about it as if you are interviwing for the position of hs wife, he is afrid of getting a divorce, and you have to prove to him that you are mature enough to get married by being patient, mature and with yoru feet on the ground. Change your strategy and will guarantee success!

I do agree with you on one thing, he cannot expect you to be happy about his friends getting married on your original date, what are you suppose to say?????? The only think that you can say is.. oh, I'm happy for them and that's all. He knows that you are hurt and it's not necesary to dweel on it.

Good luck

Answer 9

I can see both points of view here....but he shouldnt let divorces in his family dictate what he does.....my fiance's parents divorced when he was young, and my parents divorced about 10 years ago. It's a fact of life, but it doesnt have to be a fact of your life. And why would his friend pick what was supposed to to be YOUR wedding date...that's kind of cruel and I wouldnt blame you if you didnt want to go to that. Tell him you NEED to set a real concreate date....I think thats the only thing that will help you. Maybe you two should also go to couples counseling together so you know where eachother stands and how to avoid divorce.

Answer 10

not selfish about the wedding on the same day, not 1 bit, but tell him ur hurt and if u had a bad yr, maybe a 6 month delay is best. oh, and walking out rather than saying or doing something ull both regret is smart, make it a rule for the 2 of u so u both know if 1 walks out, its just anger of the moment and not a dodge to avoid the fight.