I am terrible at making small talk with people I don't know?

Question

I dread meeting new people because my mind goes blank. I might ask/answer a few questions that I can come up with, but not knowing the person makes it extremely hard to carry on a conversation. Almost always I don't know what to say and end up averting my eyes/looking around and a big akward silence ensues.

I have noticed that some people do not have this problem, and give the appearance of having a relaxed/easy flow of conversation with people they just met.

Any tips? Thanks!

Answer 1

An easy way to make small talk is to spot something that the person you are meeting is wearing/holding/using and commenting on it. Say a man has some electronic gadget ... ask him how he likes it and has he had any problems with it? With a woman, comment on her earrings/shoes/handbag ... they compliment her wardrobe just perfectly! Why, her nails look just lovely ... where does she go to get them done?

If someone has a book, ask them how they are enjoying the book, would they recommend the book, are there any other books that they might recommend? Or, ask what time it is - wow, that is a cute watch they have on. And so on.

The key to small talk is to ask the other person questions, which opens the door for a conversation. The more comfortable you get will allow you to ease into more conversations ... it doesn't always come naturally, but with practice, you can do it. Start with salesclerks ... that is an easy place to start.

Good luck.

Answer 2

Having an appearance of comfort making small talk can be just that - an apperance.

Yes, ask questions - that is, afterall, how a chat starts. Pick questions that are not yes/no.

Is there a common point between you? - Where are you: a party of a mutual friend? a tail-gate? Taking a break on a hiking trail? That common point of just where you are can be the start of chit-chat. For the above examples: So, how did you meet Jane Doe? How long have you been rooting for The Team? Have you been on this trail before?

My uncle was a VP for a major oil corporation. He was chatting with me about some sports game. When I said I never really followed sports, he told me it was a great benefit for him professionally. It is pretty much a completely safe topic of conversation for anyone from anywhere. Even if you don't follow the same sport. (realizing how good the advice was, I did start following one of the local teams )

Have a few stock questions. The weather is a pretty common topic here in the US midwest. It's also good if chatting with someone from another part of the country or a different country.

"So what do you do for a living?" is a very good question. Follow it up with questions about the profession. Even something like "What do you actually do for your job?" - no one is just a profession.

Ultimately, I recommend asking the questions in order to listen to the person. A conversation shouldn't just be robotic talking - it is listening, too.

When asking all of these questions, be as relaxed as you can be. Try to avoid coming across as interrogating them.
Pay attention to how much the other person is saying. If the chat is slowing down, let it end. If so, let the other person know you are ending the chat, like "It has been nice getting to know you. I hope I'll see you around again later in the party." or, pass them off to someone else you know for more chit-chat.

Silence is not bad. Take your time to think before speaking. If you do say something stupid or tactless, don't panic, just apologize and let it pass.

Answer 3

I've read some of the other responses you've gotten and they are very good....and pretty much the same adive I'd give. The only thing I have to add is start/practice with people you totally don't know and are likely to never see again. If on vacation, waiting forever for a slow desk clerk, speak to the person next in line, ask neutral questions of them such as: Have you been here before? Do you know any good restraunts/attractions here?
By picking a stranger that you're never going to see again--pressure is off. Who cares if they think you're goofy, strange, whatever! You're probably never going to cross paths again.
This practice will have you ready for a new work place (people you'll see again almost every day!), and weddings where there are strangers that you may see again and family gatherings, etc.
The most important thing is smile and be sincere! Most people can spot someone being "fake" from a mile away!
Good Luck! Be confident.

Answer 4

Hi! For me this problem is very common! I have seen so many people do this, and it is okay! It might be hard for yourself! When you talk to a person you should look staight in the eye! When u got that you should start the conversation with hi or nice to meet you! then the person would say the same thing back! Then you COULD say like where are you from! You could just ask simple questions first to get to know the person so you won't get blanked out! Thats what happed to me 2 years ago! It was not at all pretty! When the conversation is proceeding it would get bigger and bigger! Everytime you would do that you would get use to it in no time! There is nothing to worry when you are talking to somebody! If you are use to talking to a person you would maybe have no problem with any person! I wish you luck! Remember posture,eye contact, and anytrhing you can think of! Good Luck!

Mimi :-)

Answer 5

May be you are too careful of the things you listen to and say, because conversations are not only made up of answers and questions, the main thing is sharing interest. So if it were for me, after I've introduced myself to you and known a little of what you do and your interest, I might just tell you something that I've been doing lately. For example, I would say 'oh.. I went to the movies last night, have you seen the Pirates?...." then on this topic you can talk about what you think on the story, what was funny, characters and performance and etc. Of course in between telling you will ask his opinion so there is interaction. If he doesn't respond too much, that means his not really interested, then change the topic and think of what else you've been doing, eg. surfing the net at Yahoo answers and continue again. If after a while he doesn't respond much, that simply mean the 2 of you don't click in anyway and should just find another person to talk to. Hope this helps.

Answer 6

Most people are most interested in themselves - which I reckon is both the basis of your own problem, and its solution. Try to get over the feeling you are centre-stage and under the spotlight. Put the other person there, and they'll love you for it! Initially, you might admire a piece of jewellery, or someone's jacket, or anything to do with "the other" to break the ice. Meeting new people, ask them what things they're interested in. It may not be the apparently obvious. So you may give them an opportunity to talk about things they rarely get a chance to talk about. Then, every answer leads to another question, and you're on your way. And don't feel you have to confine yourself to "small talk", which belittles yourself and "the other", too. Why not seek opinion on the events of our times? They do concern us all. As a young journalist years ago, I found meeting people difficult too, which was rather bizarre - but sail in with the smile, and the world will open to you. It's wonderful out there!

Answer 7

> Shyness is not bad, it is who you are.
>
> I have noticed that there are programs to treat shyness
> as If it were a problem or a disease. Shyness is not a
> disease. The people that have the problem are the sick
> people who think there is something wrong with you if
> you are quiet or timid. Actually shy people are
> probably the most kind hearted people there are. Do
> not let anyone down you because you are shy.
.What is the hardest part of shyness to overcome?

This is a difficult question to answer, because everyone's shyness is different. The most difficult thing may be assuming the mannerisms that outgoing people possess, such as a relaxed open posture, good eye contact, an expressive, confident sounding voice, an easy smile, and so on. This may be because mannerisms are largely controlled by the nervous system, rather than the conscious mind.

Writes one A.S.S poster:

> According to one newspaper motivational columnist, humans
> communicate "72,000 impressions per minute." These impressions
> consist of our words, our body movements, the retinas of our eyes
> changing, the pheromones we emit, and much more. This gets at the
> crux of why I think shyness is so incredibly difficult to
> overcome.
>
> Although I don't necessarily agree with that "72,000" number, the
> fact is that we do send out an awful lot of signals about our
> internal state to others. The problem is, these signals are all
> unconscious! That must explain why my shyness is so difficult to
> overcome. How do you change something you don't even know
> you're doing?

However, there is one technique that may help somewhat with this. See the section on visualization later in this FAQ.

http://members.aol.com/cybernettr/shyness.html

Answer 8

I was in your shoes years ago. Then I took a public speaking class and now I usually find myself uncomfortable due to insecurities but able to make "small talk."

You can actually say, "Are you as nervous as I am around all these people (or strangers)?" I bet though you may think people are comfortable they are of two different ilks - those who talk to cover up the nervousness and those who just listen.

Practice by smiling at someone in the line at the grocery store. Make a compliment to a child with the parent standing there, "What cute eyes." This will help you practice without the fear of being rejected.

But the best way to overcome a fear is to face it head on and take a class where everyone is in the same boat!

Answer 9

Believe it or not, most people either also feel this way or have felt this way at some point in their lives. Don't let the calm, cool exterior fool you -- we are all equally clueless. ;-)

My husband's ice breaker is, "So what do you do for fun?" It might sound like a cheesy question to your ears, but to them it's an opening to talk about what really gets them excited - baseball, collecting butterflies, whatever. And people sometimes get bored talking about work, but never about what they do to relax. Once they tell you the answer to that question, dig a little deeper and ask more questions about that thing. "How did you learn about butterflies/ what teams do you follow?" Whatever they talk about, it's something that's important and interesting to them. As long as you are listening and curious about them, other questions about that subject will come up naturally. Boom - the ice is broken. You also gave them a chance to shine a little bit and demonstrate their knowledge, and people usually are flattered and pleased to be given a chance to educate/expose someone to new information on which they have a strong grasp. The weird part is that they go away with the impression that you are an interesting person, when in fact you have said very little, all you did was get them talking about themselves and pay attention.

They may bring up something you don't know much about. No sweat. Last party I went to I struck up a conversation with a car mechanic. I didn't know him at all, and frankly admitted to him I didn't know much about cars, told him what sort of car I drove and asked his advice about whether it was a good car or not . . . asked him what his dream car would be to work on, and what in particular he likes to do when he works on cars. Inside of ten minutes he was talking sixteen to the dozen and I was learning a little bit about him (and my car.)

Often after you follow down this vein they will "play fair" and say, "So what do you like to do?" And then it's your turn to share. By that time you will have learned enough about each other that things will be a little more relaxed and you won't be exactly strangers any more --- might even be on your way to becoming friends. Having done all that, if the conversation goes THUD, maybe you just didn't hit it off --- but give them and yourself a chance.

Corny as the title is, Dale Carnegie's How to Stop Worrying and Start Living is a really good book that gives sound advice about this kind of thing. It's been around a long time, is easy to read, and pretty interesting too.

http://www.amazon.com/How-Stop-Worrying-Start-Living/dp/0671733354/ref=pd_bbs_2/102-4747212-3068150?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1182389731&sr=8-2

Hope this helps -- have fun!!

Answer 10

I share this fear with you. However, the main thing to keep in mind is that if you don't come forward and make conversation you won't overcome this fear of making small talk. To get a conversation going, try starting with general things (asking the person how they are), and if you're meeting them for the first time then you can ask them how long they've been in the area or something like that. When that moment comes...the moment you've run out of things to say, you can go ahead and end the conversation there.

Answer 11

Having grown up as a painfully shy person myself, I can sympathize. Some of the things that helped bring me out of it : Instead of wondering what you're going to say next, try thinking about the other person and ask THEM questions about what they're doing lately or how they're doing with this that or whatever....focus your attention on them as much as possible and (very important) LISTEN to them.

That will keep your mind off of silly thoughts like 'What if I get all tongue tied, I'll be so embarrassed or: I don't really have anything worthwhile to say or 'What if I start talking and they don't want to listen or they think that what I say is stupid'

And then you need to always remember that it's not that big a deal. Tell yourself you don't care what they think over and over. Have you ever met someone and made jokes with them because you thought you would never see them again? Then you not only find that they're sticking around but you started liking them a lot? Suddenly you've got nothing to say again! And you're all worried again about feeling like you're boring. So what made the difference? You started caring about what they think too much! So just pretend you DON'T! Worked for me and I was so shy I couldn't talk to anybody except the younger kids. And they thought I was funny!