How can you nicely tell someone that they need to disipline their child?

Question

A friend of mine has a son the same age as my daughter. He is always hitting and kicking her or finding some other way to hurt her. His mom barely says anything when he does this. My daughter is in tears and he is denying what he has done. I dont feel comfortable yelling at someone elses child. How should I let his mother know that something needs to be done with her son?

Answer 1

Your goal shouldn't be to pick a fight with his mom or question her parenting skills. Your goal is to resolve this so try approaching the mother without making her son look like a monster. Think about if it were YOUR daughter who was the bully. How would you want other parents to bring it to your attention? If mom is right there and she is pretending not to see a thing, instead of yelling at the boy, why don't you tell him in a firm voice "that's not a nice thing to do, stop hitting/kicking (your daughter's name)". Repeat, if necessary. OR remove your daughter from the situaton and teach your daughter how she can better handle herself next time this happens because this will not be the last time she will get bullied. And next time, you may not be around to rescue her.

Answer 2

You don't say how old the children are, nor do you say if you are witness to this behavior or if your daughter is telling you what's happened. Playing devil's advocate, it's possible (tho not probable) that she's trying to get him in trouble sometimes kids do that ... that being said ... if your daughter is in tears and comes to you with your friend present, ask her if she would mind if you had a talk with her son or would she prefer to take care of this. I would be angry that my daughter is being assaulted, and I would not be silent - your silence is sending a message to your daughter that the behavior is acceptable. If you are uncomfortable saying anything, make sure that the children are not left unsupervised. If the boy does something in front of you and his mom is making no move to address the situation, stand up for your child and tell him hitting is unacceptable, he needs to be separated from the activity and after an appropriate time out apologize for his actions. If this doesn't work - keep the kids apart. I wouldn't want my child playing with someone that has anger issues that are being directed at my child. If your friend allows her child to abuse yours - is she reallly being a good friend that you want to spend time with?

Answer 3

Oh I hate when this happens! I used to feel awkward but I learned that not saying anything to the parent and child left mine feeling unprotected by the one that should protect them the most. I felt so guilty the day mine, 4 at the time, asked why I didn't stop the visiting kid from hitting him. I explained how it's sometimes awkward to discipline a child when the parent is right there and that I didn't want to cause trouble. He said, "But I thought a mom was supposed to love her own son the bestest." Ouch. From that day, I would explain to the visitor that we do not hit in this house and that if he couldn't play without hitting, he couldn't come over. Then if the kid hit again, he would not be invited back.

Answer 4

There really isn't a nice way to tell someone that they aren't a good parent. No matter what you say, she will either get mad or get her feelings hurt. I would just not allow your daughter to play with her son and if she asks you why then tell her honestly that it is because you don't feel comfortable disciplining him when he hits and bites and that you don't feel that that kind of behavior is acceptable and since she never does anything about it that you don't want your daughter playing with him anymore.

Answer 5

This is an awkward situation to be in, and it's far easy to advise on it as an outsider, than to be in that situation yourself, and actually confront the mother.

I have been in that situation with a few different mothers, who were my friends. It was really tough because I didn't want to jeopardise our friendship, yet I had to protect my daughter.

I found confronting the mothers too difficult, so I did say a few stern words to the bullying children myself. I didn't care that it was in front of the mother. When you think about it, you are looking out for your daughter, not just disciplining their son. By telling him off in front of the mother, you are making your feelings clear to her. She will see that her son's behaviour has made you angry.

If she challenges you on it, then that would be the time to confront her, because she has then opened the door to the conversation. Chances are, however, she wont say anything to you, and will simply feel downright guilty that her son has misbehaved.

Stick up for your daughter. Let her stick up for her son if she dares.

Answer 6

well that is a tough position to be in, but if the mother wont say anything, then you need to take charge. don't let another kid hurt your own child because you dont want to be rude by speaking up. it sounds like he needs some discipline and he's not getting it at home so you need to step in. and dont worry about looking mean. hopefully he will learn not to over-step those boundaries. and if they do think you're mean, who cares? there are plenty of other children you daughter can be-friend.

Answer 7

Tell her straight forward, you do not want her son near your daughter until he learns that hitting and kicking is not an acceptable act. If you and your daughter are not comfortable having this child around, you must speak up. Don't tell her she is a crud of a parent, just be honest.

Answer 8

While it is always an awkward situation to have to yell at and discipline someone else's child (especially when that child's parent is around), you do have to realize that this child is hurting your own child, so you absolutely have the right to discipline him and stick up for your own child if his own mother is not. Kids don't know any better unless they're told. If his mother isn't telling him, SOMEONE has to.

Answer 9

Wow..thats a tough one..to be honest with you, theres no sugar coated way to say "You need to discipline your son" because it questions the method of parenting. She's going to be mad either way..so just tell her bluntly "You need to discipline your son..he's out of control." or maybe not just like that but somewhere along those lines....If she doesn't listen then maybe you shouldn't have your daughter around her son. Kids are a reflection of their parents you know? most of the time anyway...

Answer 10

You can't. I have been through this. It only brings hard feelings. I lost a friendship over it and nearly a second time. I just limit my kids' time with the other child and always make sure I am there to stick up for my kids.

Alisha