My hus 30 days ago suddenly announced he had been having an affair w/my BF & he was moving in w/her that day?

Question

I ned to add that he WAS also a pastor of a church in a sm midwest town. I am devastated & taken totally off guard. Everyone says it is a mid-life crisis & they will not last very long. He is about to be 50 & she is just a bit younger. What do I do?? I want him to go to counseling w/me--but he openly admits he has not made any decisions finally yet. i want to put our marriage back together. HELP!!

Thye are being shunned by everyone but a few people who will limit their conversations to just a few words not to be publicly rude. He DOES worry about public perception & I think it's "getting" to him that he lost absolutely everything, his rep, his church, his profession, his calling, his friends, his financial security (I was the main breadwinner) & alot more, for this woman who was my BF. She has left her hus multiple times before & lived w/other men mutliple times before. She also has a 12 yr old dau who is a brat--I think that will cause trouble soon, don't you??

Answer 1

I would consider this fully before you let him back in your life, or attempt to reconcile this marriage. You have full Biblical cause to divorce this man and go on with your life.

If you have thought this out well, and still wish him back I do hope God will turn him from his sin and bring him to his knees.

The advice I would give if this is your hope is to pray for God to do His will, and to give you peace.

Answer 2

Ditch the best friend she is not a friend...
If you feel led to work things out with your husband, then you should. But he definitely needs counseling with and without you..and you will probably want some to. When a spouse cheats on us it is really difficult because we often wonder what we did. Satan dug his claws into your husband and you suffered....as for public perception he has to deal with it, he sinned now he is going to suffer his earthly consequences.
If he is truly repentant for what he has done..which it doesn't sound like he is since he has not made any final decisions,then he may even find another church someday and you will both be able to use this as an amazing testimony.
If he acts this way and you do get back together, and he decides to forsake church and god and everything you previously stood for, then you will have a long road ahead of you so be prepared...the devil will and is waging war with you and your husband right now do not let him be victorious...at least not with you. Pray Pray Pray Pray and Pray some more..its all you can do. Give it up to God.

Good Luck.
Oh and people that give you the excuse that its a mid life crisis that's bologna...a mid life crisis is a convertible..not cheating on your wife..what he is doing is being attacked by Satan and committing adultery.. People that were his friends should still be so, but they should be confronting what he has done to you and your church and saying lets pray..not judging.

Answer 3

I think he probably oughtta be worried more about God's perception than public perception, which seems to be that anything goes, nowdays. Thank you, Desperate Housewives and ABC.
I am so sorry for you...I can't imagine the hurt you are going thru. My hubby used to pastor also, and he and I both guarded ourselves closely. Sadly enough, she sounds like one of the many women out there who make pastors their targets. If it is as you say, and she has made a 'career' of this kind of thing, it won't last. He will probably be totally humiliated to find that he has made such a decision for such a losing situation.
Then you will be left with the decision of whether to take him back in or not. There is a huge issue of trust here. See a good Christian counsellor, and do a lot of praying. You didn't say if you have children? Be sure to get help for them as well, as they will have been exposed to much gossip and rumors. Again, I am so sorry. Your family will be in my prayers.

Answer 4

i had my husband do the same thing to me and as a result i myself am going through a divorce. so i sympathse wih you totally

any friend that does this to someone is not a true friend at all in my eyes. the sad fact is that there are many women out there that like to get men that are out of their reach. they find them a challenge and then try to get what they want regardless of the outcome and hurt they cause to people, i dont know if this is the cas here but the fact you say she has left her hus multiple times before tell me that either she is or she is unhappy herself and should have had marriage counselling herself.

if he is going to attend counselling with you then he needs to be away from this woman for it work with you two, but then again do you want it to work? that is your choice, no-one elses. you say that he has not made any decisions yet but the fact that he has moved in with her and has simply said he has mad no decisions kinda tell me that he has made his choice, either that or he is trying this out to see if it will last and then expect to come back to you if it doesnt.

people will find it hard that their pastor has done this and the fact he is being shunned tells us that they are shocked and possibly disgusted by it, but you dont say if you are being shunned as well, i doubt that you are.

me i decided that i was better than my hubby and went out with my head up and with nothing to be ashamed of as i had done nothing wrong. but at the back of my mind i do think that what happened was my fault because if he had been happy at home then he wouldnt have looked at anyone else and this situation wouldnt have arose.

Answer 5

He is a GROWN man. He is/was a pastor.
There is nothing we can do aside from rejecting Jesus
that He will not forgive, but there ARE consequences.

Your husband, being a pastor, a leader of your church,
had a major responsibility to be the BEST Christian example
possible for his members and the public at large.

He has not only betrayed God Almighty, your sacred marriage covenant, but he has betrayed the trust and belief his congregation had for him.

The very fact that he not only committed adultery repeatedly with a married woman, who has a publicly known history of unfaithfulness to her God and her husband, he moved out of his covenant marriage to shack up with this woman tells me that he does NOT regret the sexual relationship he has with this woman, he moved in with her and made it an open, public insult. He has no shame and no conscience. Only God can change that.

The fact that he NOW, after the fact, is not worried about his relationship with God Almighty first, then you second, but is only concerned with losing his financial, spiritual, & emotional status within the town is also telling.

The fact that he has not made any "FINAL decisions" about what is right in the sight of God and man tells me that he is not only stupid, but he has NO reverential fear and/or respect for God Almighty or you.

They SHOULD be shunned by everyone.
He SHOULD lose his church.

And you should "wipe the dust from your feet" with your supposed best friend. That woman is no friend to anyone and loves and cares for nothing and no one but her own selfish desires and needs. She is on "self-destruct" mode and will shed no tears if your husband is along for the final ride.

The best thing you CAN do is to pray for them both, but stay OUT of it and let God deal with them. Only He can convict, change, and mend this damage. And until God changes your husband and your best friend, they will more than likely do this again and again.

Let God deal with them.

Answer 6

That's a tough situation and you have my condolences.

Truthfully though, if he's moved out and moved in with his girlfriend, I doubt you'll be able to get him to go to counseling with you.

But think about it: would you want to have him back out of his feeling guilty about his reputation and appearance to the public or because he loved you? You might be better off without someone who would cheat on you like that.

Answer 7

That's a knife in the back.

Well, as the saying goes, if you let it go and it comes back, it is yours. If it doesn't, it never was. Gather your own dignity and out-pray him.

St Joseph's prayer worked for me.

As for him, I guess he knows this one: (Malachi)
2:13. And this again have you done, you have covered the altar of the Lord with tears, with weeping, and bellowing, so that I have no more a regard to sacrifice, neither do I accept any atonement at your hands.

2:14. And you have said: For what cause? Because the Lord hath been witness between thee, and the wife of thy youth, whom thou hast despised: yet she was thy partner, and the wife of thy covenant.

2:15. Did not one make her, and she is the residue of his spirit? And what doth one seek, but the seed of God? Keep then your spirit, and despise not the wife of thy youth.

2:16. When thou shalt hate her put her away, saith the Lord, the God of Israel: but iniquity shalt cover his garment, saith the Lord of hosts, keep your spirit, and despise not.

Answer 8

lol... He's a pastor? How many years of preaching about the sanctity of marriage, the evils of adultery and the dangers of venal sin did he clock up before his hypocrisy meter maxed out?

Rev up the karma, coz that dogma gonna go SPLAT!

Churches and hypocrisy? I rest my case.

Answer 9

i am so saddened by this.

but don't you worry. God will carry you through this. adultery is definitely wrong and this is what your hus and best friend are doing.

do go and talk to a senior pastor about this and get his advice. for now. tell your friends in church to pray for u too..

i will pray for u now.

Answer 10

Move on honey.......let it go and feel the peace flood your life.
Sometimes these things happen to make way for the bigger and better in our lives.....You deserve so much more......get rid of the darkness this man has bought into your life and get ready to shine!!
Best of luck to you sister!
~*Ariel*~