Mother being cruel to me?

Question

I told my mom earlier this week that I was getting married next year.

She never once said 'I am pleased' or 'Congratulations'

She is saying that I should not wear a white dress because I am living in sin.

She brought up my ex, when he beat me up, I asked her to help me through it, but she said I had to get myself out of it.

She thinks that I am in competition with her, she has been with my dad for 30 years, married for 17 years.. she had us out of wedlock!!!!

She does not want my dad to give me away because I already 'gave' myself to my fiance.

She called me this morning trying to say that relationships do not work once the couple get married.

I have been with my fiance for 3 years (4 next year). When we bicker, we make up within the hour, when my mom argues with my father, he sleeps in the living room and they dont talk for a week, my dad is always in the bedroom away from her. She says I will never have what her and dad have.

What sort of mother is that?

She has never once told me that she loves me, rarely hugs me either.

She said that she is not coming to the wedding because I said that she was jinxing the wedding by saying hurtful things about the white dress etc.

I think, she would have wanted me to beg her to come, but I did not.

She tends to cause arguments with me over the phone and then blame me for it.. by bringing up the past.

The reason why she is manipulating my dad and trying to make me think he will not give me away is because today she said 'Your father is still ashamed of you for being with your ex'

My father has never once said to me that he was ashamed of me, we seemed to get on well, I asked him personally if he would give me away. He said he would.

I personally think it was because he was white. He did treat me badly, but she said she does not want any 'half-breed' children.

My fiance is 'half-breed' or the correct term is bi-racial/mixed race.. she was slagging him off to start with then she said he is alright really.

My mother has never praised me at all. She cares more about her dog than she does of her own three children.

Her and my father rarely go out, and she blames me for being in debt (by bringing us up) I never asked for toys or was spoilt. She is in debt because of generally bringing up three children. It is like she is bitter towards me for being born.

She belittles me and says that I am not in her league.

I am notmally opinionated and outspoken, but I did not retort in any way to fuel her fire. I just cried, I thought she was going to hit me because she was poking the car key in my face and saying really hurtful things to me about miscarrying to my fiance and being beaten up by my ex.

Answer 1

your mother sounds like a hypocrite, tell her to take a leaf out of her own book and read it good before making judgements about you....do what you want to do and don't let her make you unhappy....how selfish of her and how cruel of her to bring up painful memories about your ex, it seems that she likes hurting you and she enjoys seeing you in pain because she gets satisfaction out of it, it gives her pleasure when she sees you unhappy....how vile of her to do this to you...just remind her that one day she'll end up a very lonely old woman.... get married and don't have her there if she makes you feel that bad because i can guarentee you this...she will ruin your wedding day... let her live in her miserable little cocoon, because that's where she belongs....in fact, she sounds just like mine, she's a nasty miserable bitter old woman....and i hope to god that you don't have what she and your dad has because their marriage sounds like it's a mess, seems she's the one who wears the trousers, or is she just a complete control freak?....thank your lucky stars that you didn't turn out like her...move out and stay away if she makes your life unbearable, i would never want a mother like that....sorry...i got one like that....she's jealous because she's old and your not an you have so much to look forward to....live life and be happy...she'll regret it when you have kids because it may be too late to mend the damage if she carries on like that...be happy hun and just let her wallow in her own selfish pool of hate...that's not a mother...that's a monster....sorry but what you wrote makes her look that way...i'm just giving you my honest opinon she sounds like a horrible person with alot of hate welled up inside her...i pity her

Answer 2

First and foremost congratulations. You should be ecstatic.

I'm a mother of two (one teen and one almost). I'm not going to make excuses for your mother, she's being rude and unreasonable. Parents get jealous of their kids all the time, and sometimes that comes out in the wrong way. Just take it with a grain of salt and do what you want. You'll find support from other family and friends along the way.

Chances are she will come around eventually, and if she doesn't, that's no skin off your back. Do the best you can and enjoy this time of your life. Her harsh words are because of her bitterness, not because of anything you're doing.

You won't believe some of the crap I heard when I got married the second time. You sift through it, and do what you want anyway.

Once again, congratulations, and have a terrific engagement and wedding!

Answer 3

She sounds like a very difficult mother who probably deep down cannot show her affection to you. But do remember we only ever have the one mother and sometimes it is best to let her rant on.

As for your wedding, she will come round, I know it. Can't you speak direct to your dad about giving you away?

Finally, get married in whatever colour you want - it is your day!!

Answer 4

Your mum is projecting her sins onto you and hurting herself through you
Its a form of toxic behaviour and should be ignored
She's very unhappy with herself and her self esteem is rock bottom so anythi8ng she does say donot pay heedance to
Think of her like a wounded child hurting others because she's hurt

Lilian Glass Toxic People should help you
Please avoid your mom if shes being negative as negativity sticks

Answer 5

You mum does seem to be difficult to get on with. On the matter of you dad giving you away, I would be very surprised if he wouldn't do that. As a dad I do not want to give my daughter to anyone (no one is good enough for her) but when she wants me of course I will be there for her.
As to colour of dress, its your day. I had enormous row with my mother because I don't like buttonholes and refused to wear one - I won.

Answer 6

It sounds as if your Mother is afraid of you making a better job of your relationship than she has of hers, and is jealous that you and your partner are making a go of things. Don't let her spoil your big day - the choice of dress etc is yours, and I am sure your Dad will be very proud of his daughter when he gives you away.

Answer 7

She seems like she is unhappy with her own life and can not be happy for you. Just ignore and go ahead with your plans. I don't understand why parents can't just be happy with their children succeeding.

Answer 8

hon, your starting to relaise that your mother is not any kind of role model and someone youd despise if they wernt related, dont worry about what they think