Neighborhood tragedy - could use some suggestions...?

Question

On Thursday evening 5 young women were on their way to an all night high-school (non-alcohol) graduation party to a popular Sports Bar/Restaurant. I saw my neighbor leave that evening - less than an hour later 4 of these 5 young women were killed on the highway while enroute to this event. Yesterday, while I was at work I got a call from my wife who told me that our neighbor was in the car and that our very young, intelligent, and beautiful young neighbor was killed. My heart went into my stomach, I then began to organize with other neighbors opportunities for this now grieving family to receive meals from us - so that they can now concentrate on arrangements necessary for the funeral.

What I am now trying to figure out is when is the best time to get flowers to send to this neighbor family of mine, and should we as the "tight bunch" that we are come together and send one collective set of flowers or do we do this as individual families?

Additionally, I sat with this young lady as she applied to USC and another local University last fall. She and I had coffee and cake as I explained my knowledge of the USC Campus in downtown Los Angeles. She was very kind, sweet, and considerate to my very young son and was a "shining light" for all that knew her. She ended up accepting the college offer from the local University; however, this was predicated on her strong family ties - and her desire to not be far from home.

I am going to ask all respondents to not ask where I live, what University she accepted, and to prevent displaying personal comments to this tragedy. Because of where I work, the neighborhood to which I belong, and the people in the area - this event made the headlines in the big local paper and all of the television stations in our area.

This question is sincere, honest, and opened for your DIGNIFIED response. Thank you for your time, and if you pray - please pray for the families of this tragedy.

For all who visit this question, and provide an answer I am letting you all know that I intend to email (if authorized) through Y!A. This has been a devastating blow to our neighborhood and your sincere responses dictate that I thank each of you individually. Additionally, I will NOT select the best answer but will let the system do that for me automatically. Obviously, some answers are better than others; however, given the nature of the topic and your decency in responding to my request I do not see how in the world I can choose one over the other. Please star this question and come back to it frequently. I will provide to each of you the course I took, the choices we made, and follow through with an answer to all. I have starred each of you by the way for the purposes of not really knowing what is best to do for all or any one of you.

God Speed!

Answer 1

Well, there are several things you could do, check with your neighbors to see what they are thinking..
Collect from the neighbors now, and send one really nice arrangement of flowers to the funeral from the neighborhood. Then take the rest of the money and put it in a card and give it to the family from the neighbors, and put on it to "defray expenses."
Or send the one arrangement, and let each family give money or something else as they can afford to, and want to.
The neighborhood I grew up in used to take up a collection, and a plant was sent to the house. But not everyone would like that these days.
My opinion, but flowers are for the funeral and visitation. Not everyone would want them at the house. Some people, after the burial, bring some flowers off of the grave home, but that is up to them.
Some other things to do, keep their yard mowed for them, somebody with a grass catcher could do that, so grass wouldn't get tracked in during the wake. Keep their car washed.
Or, talk to the neighbors about starting a memorial collection, to be given to her church, or school, or a cause she believed in. You might mention it when you talk to them about the flowers, see what people want to do.
My condolences to you and the family.

Answer 2

Everyone has offered really great suggestions but if I may add my little bit.
Meals are a really wonderful thing right now but in a few weeks the grief will still be there so occasional meals would be a lovely gesture. Either take them a prepared meal, fix something for the freezer, take them to dinner of give them a few gift certificates so they can eat out when they just don't want to be bothered with cooking.
Be there for them. Not just now while everything is fresh but in a few weeks or months. Let them talk and make sure you talk about this wonderful young lady.
Make sure that on the day of the funeral someone is in the neighborhood to watch the homes. This is a prime opportunity for break ins.
Get grief counseling. For yourselves and for the family. Many churches offer Grief Share or other programs like it. If you/they don't have a church then talk to the funeral home and get some suggestions from them. It will help a great deal in the ongoing process of healing.
For some things don't offer just do them. Clean their house, do some of the shopping and run some of their general errands.
Offer to help write Thank you notes. Call the "Christmas card" people to let them know what has happened. This way they won't make the mistake of asking about college etc... when they send their cards.
Younger siblings? Don't forget them. Make sure they have a good support system in place. Take them to a movie, shopping, send them a gift subscription to a favorite magazine etc.... Try to inject some "fun" into their lives.
There are so many things the neighborhood can do. When in doubt just ask the family or their pastor if they have one.
My heart goes out to all people who were affected by this tragedy.

Answer 3

After finding the young lady's obituary in your local paper, check to see the time and location for both the funeral service and visitation hours, so the florist will know when and where to deliver flowers. The funeral director may know her favorite type of flowers, how many floral tributes have (as yet) been sent, and whether a large spray or wreath sent by the entire neighborhood or individual arrangements would work best. He or she may even recommend a particular florist who will deliver the flowers.

In lieu of flowers--or perhaps in addition to flowers--some families and friends establish a memorial fund for their loved one. If someone has not already done this, you might establish a scholarship fund at the high school in memory of all these young women.

The best gift that you can give, however, is to show your love and concern for your neighbor's family in the months following the funeral. God bless.

Answer 4

Of course flowers are an appropriate gesture. But, in the time of grief--esp. with such a tragedy as this--I doubt that the bereaved family will ever know who sent which bouquet? There were tons of flower arrangements at my grandmother's funeral, but I didn't read a single card and I doubt that my immediate family members did either.

My suggestion is that your group of friends get together and plan to place a bouquet of flowers at the gravesite every month for a year-- maybe the 1st day of the month or the same date of the deceased's birthday.

I think it's a personal, long-lasting gesture that is not intrusive. A few weeks from now all the attention will have gone, and 2 months later friends will continue on with the lives, but the family members will still be grieving. Sending a bouquet every month to the gravesite would be a way to let the family know that all of you are still thinking about their loss.

Plus, anything that is done to beautify or upkeep a loved one's resting place is held in high regard among the family members.

Answer 5

I'm sorry for your loss, everyone should do something so that their name is not just on a card, sending a group flower or plant to the funeral home is a good idea. People get so many they don't always know what to do with them after wards and sometimes they are just left (and the funeral home gives them to the shut ins) or they are thrown out. If the family is OK financially why not use some of the money collected to start a memorial for her. Perhaps purchasing an item or books for the Library at the High School she attended or her Church. Plant a tree of rose bush in her memory at her Church or a special place she liked to go. That way its a living memorial to her. If there is enough space maybe a memorial garden.
Please know that I am keeping Her Family, you and your neighbors in my prayers

Answer 6

Do something immediately. At the time of a funeral, I would recommend sending some food over. Families going through such a time of loss often do not like to cook. A casserole would be appreciated.

When both of my mom died, there were flowers all over the place. There were so many of them, that it really did not leave much of an impression on my father. However, one of my dad's neighbors brought over a large arrangement of flowers about two weeks after the funeral and stopped to talk. It was much appreciated.

It is a nice gesture to have some families go together to purchase a large floral arrangement for a funeral. It is much appreciated, however, in a time of loss, it is the coming together of friends and family that is important. Each individual incremental thing you can do to help will be greatly appreciated. What I am saying is this: Don't hide behind a group effort to send flowers. Do something personal for the family. Take it one step beyond the communal gift of flowers.

Answer 7

I actually have a suggestion that is kind of different from the flowers.

When my brother died back in 2000, it sent shockwaves through his entire, large community. He was active in many programs, and he taught school, and he was well known all over the place.

Because of how well he was known, my sister-in-law and the kids received literally hundreds of flower arrangements and plants. Some were sent to the house in the days before the funeral, and some were sent to the funeral home for the service.

There were so many flowers and plants, and the truth is my sis-in-law really wanted nothing to do with them. We had to help write thank you notes because she couldn't get interested in thanking the local board of realtors for sending flowers.

The one thing she really did appreciate was several months later, when a tree was planted in a public park in my brother's name. There have since been trees planted in several places. Some of them have contemplation benches placed by them. There have even been scholarships endowed in his name. But the thing that brings her the most comfort is that first tree. She has told me more than once before that she loves it because trees are hardier than any flower arrangement or houseplant, and they sink their roots into the soil, just as a person sinks his roots into his community.

So, what I am wondering is if you could just send a smallish flower arrangement, and then later arrange for a tree to be planted in this young lady's honor and memory. You can all go in on it as a group. It isn't terribly expensive, but it is a type of more lasting memorial than any flowers or plants.

I am very sorry for your loss and the grief you and your community, and especially your neighbors, are going through. I wish you peace.

Answer 8

This is a real tragedy, and I'm so sorry to hear of it.

Funerary flowers can be sent to the home, or to the funeral parlor. Either way is appropriate.

Each family should send individual arrangements, although an additional arrangement from all of you would be nice.

Send flowers to the home right away, and, when arrangements have been made for the funeral home, tell the florist the dates and times, and the florist will know exactly when to have the flowers arrive.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Answer 9

First off I just want to let you know how sorry i am for what happened and will pray for her family and friends.
I can relate to this question, one of my friends passed away suddenly and I understand the feeling of not knowing what to do. We also took turns making meals. One thing that was very nice we came up with we called the angel basket where there was a basket on their front porch that they would leave out there and friends would come by and place gifts in it so that when they opened their door there was gifts from family and friends. What you can do is start it by buying a large basket and putting a gift/gifts in it from your family write a note attached to the basket saying something along the lines of this is an angel basket and to leave it on their porch. Then let all your neighbors know about it and take turns filling it.
Make sure to send flowers soon if you haven't already and i would send them in your family to make it more special.
I hope this helps you and I am so glad to help if you need anymore help at all please contact me.
prayers are with you and the family

Answer 10

I am terribly sorry to hear of this tragedy. My prayers go out to the families.

Please consider sending a collective flower arrangement to the funeral home first. Then, as individuals, send food and services to the home, but not all at once.

The day of the funeral will be difficult for the family, but the day after will be even more trying. They will not have the support of many people around them to share their grief. On this day it would be good to send over food that has been already prepared, food that can be easily heated up and served. The food can be homemade or purchased from a variety of places. Try to stay away from cold cuts, lasagnas and vegetable trays - they are the norm that seem to fill up homes of the grieving. Don't forget breakfast foods as well.

When my next door neighbor's fiancee died, I made dozens and dozens of different types of muffins for the family. It took a full day, but it was worth it. They were so grateful and it made snacking easy for them. They thanked me profusely on many different occasions long after the funeral.

Try to set up a schedule with your neighborhood group for people to help out around their home. One person can cut the lawn, another help out with cleaning, another with laundry - and so on. If possible, hire out a cleaning service for a month or so, it would be greatly appreciated.

Again, I am so sorry to hear of this tragedy.