how do I make my botfriend understand that OUR bed is for us not us and his 5 year old son?

Question

I have been living with my boyfriend for 3 months. he has a 5 yr old I have a 12 yr old. We get along great except for kids and money. my biggest issue right now is he allows his son to come into our bed in the middle of the night. I let that go because it was not an all night thing.......until now!!! I am sitting at the computer and he is sleeping in OUR bed instead of his own. I have had other issues with how he raises his son (such as allowing him to curse "only around him" HE IS 5!!!!!) I have talked to him about this as well as other situations and he is slowly heeding my advice. I by no means am a perfect parent but I have learned over the years the do's and don'ts. I am really frustrated right now. I feel that OUR bed is our sanctuary. AM I WRONG? please any advice. I can take constructive critisim. just tell me why I am wrong if I am.

Answer 1

"Except for kids and money" is a HUGE statement. As I'm sure you already know, most relationships break up because of money, and disagreeing about the kids not only puts you in an awkward situation with your boyfriend but also puts BOTH of your children in an awkward situation because they are going to get two different kinds of parenting in the same house-and that's always confusing.

I crawled into my dad's bed at night almost EVERY night until I was about 8 or 9, and then when I had nightmares until I was about 11, and after that if I had nightmares I would go sleep on his floor-which I did until I no longer lived at home. Some kjids just need that kind of comfort that being near their parents gives. You should see it as a sign that this man is a great daddy for his son to see him as such a comfort-which probably means he is a good person too.

That being said, kicking him out would be a MAJOR step for him. I understand your reasoning for doing so, but it should be done slowly (so that he doesn't have bigger issues about the quick change) and by his dad (so that he doesn't have resentment toward YOU, feeling that you're the only reason he can't sleep with his daddy anymore). Obviously the boy cannot sleep with his dad into his teens, and you have to start somewhere, but take it slowly and make sure he gets lots of comfort and praise for taking that huge leap.

Answer 2

3 months is not a very long time for a 5 year old to accept a new woman acting as his mother. I'm sure your 12 yr. old has stepdad issues too, they just show up differently. Please remember that it is hard for the kids, especially if the fights are about them or in front of them. This is not an issue about the kid in the bed, it is an issue you have with your BF allowing it to happen. So please don't resent the boy or fight in front of him. Everyone has their own parenting style, as well as their own way to handle money. Maybe you guys should have worked on these issues before you moved in. Because you know what's really gonna suck? When you guys break up over this crap instead of getting couple's counseling and the kid(s) think it's their fault.

P.S. If you're not in the bed ("sitting at the computer"), then what's the harm if he has some security time w/ his dad? There are boundaries and guidelines, sure. Private 'grown ups only' time, of course. But to suddenly exclude him completely is just not fair. And he's not your kid, so it's not completely up to you either. Nothing worse than a step parent coming in and acting like they're the new boss over everything and making all new rules to live by.

Answer 3

Two thing here stand out Kids & Money.
Money problems are always bad news in a relationship. Not sure if your referring to un employment, or credit debt. These issues have to be resolved or your relationship will be on the rocks sooner than you think.
Regarding the 5 year old. There is a reason he is leaving his bed and coming to yours. You both need to talk between your self and this child to see if anyhting bothers him. Be sure his room is safe and let him know that. leave a night light on during the night.
This habit can be hard to break. You say he is slowly heeding your advise. You are then on the right track and keep the communication line open with him. You also have to communicate with your b/f and let him know your feelings. He should be advised alowing him to curse is also a no no here.
I am not going to tell you your wrong. But it takes communication, love, affection and honesty in a good relationship.
What I am going to tell you, is that this relationship is on rocky ground at the moment.
For you and your sons sake, put some heavy thought into wear it is going.
You don't need to make a mistake and I don't get a good feeling here.

Answer 4

I really don't think that there is any thing wrong with the child sleeping in bed with his parents at this age, my son who is also 7 sometimes does the same despite having his own room, I'd agree though that it was a bit much to expect you to sleep in the same bed as him being new to the situation. However if you try to lay down the law with this guy you would be overstepping the mark. Have a chat with him and explain that YOU are not comfortable sharing the bed with his son and that maybe you should not stay over for the night when he is there. Eventually the son will outgrow this behaviour and his Father will need to move into bigger accomodation to enable this.

Answer 5

You're not wrong. All I can say is to have a long serious talk with your bf about this. You cant very well just kick the kid out or tell him to sleep in his own bed or else. That would just cause friction between you, your bf, and his kid. You two need to come up with an acceptable plan on how to get him to sleep in his own bed. You might want to include his son in the talk also and ask him why he doesnt want to sleep in his bed. If you find out why, you can take more constructive steps. For example, if hes just afraid of the dark, get a night light. If hes afraid of monsters, use "Monster Spray" (like Febreze) and spray it all over before he goes to sleep. If he still needs to sleep with you some nights, let it go as long as its not every night. Small steps.

Answer 6

Has he always let his little boy sleep with him? If so it is a routine that his 5 year old is comfortable with. If not it could be due to the change, you moving in..etc.. try talking to his son. tell him that you need to sleep with his daddy now and he is a big boy and should sleep in his own bed. try rewarding him when he sleeps in his bed all night. you need to have a talk with your boyfriend about his son. it sounds like his mother is not in his life and he could be compensating ( letting him curse..etc..) because he knows his little boy doesn't live with his mom anymore. I can understand why he would do it, but in the long run it is not good for his son. you need to be very careful about how you go about talking to his son and your boyfriend. that child is clearly crying out for something and if you make the wrong move you could damage the relationship between his dad and you . I suggest taking things slow, working on one problem at a time, and let his 5 year old get used to a new routine. good luck !!

Answer 7

I do not think you are wrong.. My husband and I have an 8 month old baby, and I am not even okay with him sleeping on our bed.. I mean I don't think you should blame the child, because if he is used to this it is because he's been allowed to do it for too long.. and also it may be because you just moved in and he may just be a little jealous or like he is being replaced...

You should talk to your boyfriend, try not to argue when you discuss it.. just tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable... you shouldn't expect a change from one day to another because the child may not understand.. but tell him that, say that you don't expect an immediate change but that you would like him to do something about it.. that it is nothing against his child but it just makes you uncomfortable..

You have to be carefull about the way you tell him things because one automatically becomes defensive when it comes to their children.. and of course since you have your own you know that... I could see why it would bother you that he allows him to speak that way.. but that would also have to be a gradual change..

Good luck with all of it.!!

Answer 8

This is probably something that was happening before you were in the picture - and if it doesn't work, then something that my continue once you leave (if you do)... the child is also probably needing reassurance with a new girlfriend in the house that Daddy is still there for him and that he's still #1.

Perhaps you can wait until the boy is asleep and quietly move him to his room..

The truth is that raising a blended family is difficult - that's why there is a multimillion dollar business out of it.. But, you need to be clear with your boyfriend now on how things are expected to go- if he's a "that's my kid and my choice" kind of parent, you really need to find that out now, because believe me, the issues only get bigger as the child gets bigger... however, if he really wants to work with you on raising the child together, it's tough but can work.

Answer 9

I can see your point, but I think a man who lets his 5 year old sleep with him eventhough he's sharing his bed with a woman he loves and things are new and exciting... is a real man. He's a keeper because this guy is loyal and he's a good, caring person. You will benefit from his unselfishness. A lot of women would do anything for a man who's obviously a sweetheart and loving like that. It's very endearing. It's worth the temporary inconvenience and it;s a very real opportunity for you to bond with his son. Soon he'll see all of you as his family... His son, you and your 12 year old. It's going to be fine. These things pass, but the impressions they leave behind are everlasting.

Answer 10

First of all you need to have a talk with your man about this becuz if he feels your in the wrong with his son sleeping by him than that is something your going to have to accept. Your boyfrined and his son obvioulsy are very close if he always let him sleep by him and there is noting wrong with a child that climbs into bed with the parents at night. It won't last forever. And one day he'll be 15 and not wanna hang out with you both at all! As for him letting the kid swear that is something you really need to talk to him about. That s crazy. The kid will grow up with no respect ya know.