A little advice from other Step-Moms please?

Question

I (step-Mom) have been the one raising my husband's son since he was 6. We have had physical custody the entire time and his bio-Mom moved out of state about the same time. My husband was working ft and going to school ft for most of the 5 yrs he has been with us. So I'm the one who feeds him, clothes him, gives him emotional support, helps him w/his homework, etc. She goes months w/o calling, has lied to him over and over again, only saw him three times in the last 5 years. She is a horrible mother. Now she has moved back into the same state about 3 hours away and wants to start seeing him on a regular basis. Of course my son is so excited he can barely stand it. Which I don't totally understand from the above things she has/hasn't done. I'm not so selfish that I would deny my son his seeing his bio-Mom but, I feel like I've been used and thrown out like a stinky can of fish. Any words of wisdom to help w/my heartache?

Answer 1

One of the things that kids do until they are into their twenties (and sometimes even beyond) is test unconditional love. They will do all kinds of things with the deep-down desire to know simply that they are still loved. Unfortunately, for you - his step-mom - he will seek this most from his bio-mom and bio-dad. You are a just another adult in his life, one at this point who is, in his mind, trying to be his mom. He wants his "real" mom who hasn't been around.

I'm not saying these things to hurt you, but rather to help you understand what is going on in his mind.

Try not to let your feelings be hurt. You are doing the best thing you can for this little boy. You have been the stable, present person in his life for the past 5 years. He may not see it nor appreciate it right now, but about the time he is 25 (when he realizes that the adults in his life really do know a thing or two), he will realize what you did for him as a child and how you loved him as if he were your bio-son and never treated him like a "step-son".

You ARE making a difference in his life every day. Don't stop now. I'm sure his mom will see all that she has missed out on that you haven't. She may not ever express her appreciation, but you know in your heart that you have done a wonderful thing raising her son.

Praise God for all you do in that boys life! He needs you.

Answer 2

This is the time for his Dad to step up and take hold of the situation, it's his son, his ex and truly even though it invades your home... it's his problem. Your job is to back him up and make sure the young man knows he's loved and valued. Make sure he knows that no matter what happens he is loved by ALL his parents (that includes you) and even though you feel like you are only his stepmother he still needs your guidance and input, being kind and maybe trying to be understanding toward his mother will help him learn to be empathetic toward others. The biggie is this... all the adults involved need to get over the emotions surrounding the events and sit down together to decide what is best for the child. If you need to, find a counselor / pastor / children's advocate to sit down with you all and make sure the young person's needs are being considered and met. If you only wanted someone to tell you that you're right and she's wrong then I'm sorry, but since you're all adults it really is time to put HIM first and forget the rest.

Answer 3

If you let Him see His Mom that could mess up all you have fixed, ones heart morns to no them but sometimes things are better left alone,. It will not matter in the Long run, Because if She hasn't changed She probably want, so stand your ground, and Be the person you have always been. No one or nothing can take the place of a real parent, but no one can erase the one who has been the true Mom.I would not put up with Her coming in and out of His life as She pleases, What legal rights dose she have if any, This will worsen the cause instead of helping it, I would really think this out before I made a decision.For what is good for your Son and what will mess Him up worse.And go own with your life as it was before She showed up And let your Son make that decision when He get,s grown so it want effect Him as bad...God Bless you and your Family and Pray about it before you make any decision.

Answer 4

I'm not a step-mother myself, but seeing how my mother has dealt with things in this area, I thought I would offer some of my experience with what she went through. She felt the same way about my step-brother. His mom always used him for money, basically, while my mom was taking care of him and even getting him thru physical therapy from a bad car-wreck...She always held a lot of hostility towards my brothers mom and it showed. Thats where she made the mistake. she had the right to feel the way she did, but she let it show in her actions and thru her words too much and in front of my brother, which made him see her as the bad guy rather than the person taking care of him. It doesnt benefit the kids involved at all to hear bad-mouthing or fighting from the parents no matter what the situation is. if u have concerns, and im sure u will, take them up with her privately. Be there for ur step-son like u always have been and be supportive about the relationship he wants to have with his mother. it may be hard at times and u may feel like ur getting the bad end of all this, but oneday when ur son is grown, he'll realize that u were always the one that was there for him, even when it was hard on you. and he'll apprieciate that and hopefully, tell u someday how much it meant to him to have u there to guide him and support him. As hard as it is now, he'll see that u were his real mom in all the ways that matter the most.

Answer 5

I'm not a step mom, but my daughter is. First of all the very best thing you can do is make friends with his mother. In the long run that will make everything easier. Your son is acting normal, its normal to want to see his real mother. I doubt if she has cleaned up her act any but regardless, do everything you can to support your son. You are his mother, and he knows it. He's not comparing the two of you, and in the end, there is a very good chance she will hurt him again. Be the one that's there for him. Your feelings are understandable, but you are the grown up and he is just a little boy who hopes his "mom" isn't going to disappoint him again. Kids are allowed magical thinking, you need to be his strength.

Answer 6

I'm sorry but you can never fully take the place of the person who has given your step-son his biological traits. My biological father was in jail for child pornography, never called us, never came to see us. But while he was in jail I wrote him letters.
My oldest sister and my mom were worried that I was doing that and the only way I could explain it was that I had no feelings for him as a traditional father but...some things about my personality I could relate with him. I could joke with him the way I couldn't with my mom or sisters, and I guess I was just curious to know in which ways we were similar and how we were different.
Especially if your son is young, he will always have the hope that his biological mother will return to him and be what she should be.
Please don't feel that you are being thrown to the wayside. Trust me as a child with a great step-parent since I was 5...he will love and appreciate what you have done for him and will come to show that to you with time.
I'm sure that at times my biological mother has felt thrown out and used when I've ditched her to hang out with my friends or called my boyfriend when I was upset instead of her.
I think its just sort of a natural thing of parenting. I hope that everything works out for you and your son. You sound like a wonderful person.

Answer 7

I know how your son feels. The same thing happened to me except my step dad and bio dad. When my bio dad came into the picture after 12 years I was so exicited I even left my mom and step dad and went and lived with him. Well the fairy tale ended in about a month. He will see what his mom truley is. And he will appreciate you more in the long run. Never stand in his way because she will use that as amo.

Answer 8

i know exactly how u feel the same thing happened to me....i started dating my now husband in 2001...at this time my step-dau had not seen her bio-mom since she was 2 yrs old....she had no contact with her bio-mom for 7 yrs...in 2003 she convinced us that she had gotten herself together and she wanted to play a more active role in my step-dau life...we talked it over for several mths and my step-dau was then 10 and told us that she wanted to go and live with her mom...needless to say her bio-mom is worthless and we had to go and get her back...she also was living out of state at the time...she moved back to this state and was here several mths and never even bothered to call or write we just found out by chance that she had moved back here...at first my step-dau only went to visit on weekends then circumstances changed and she went to leave with her bm full-time only b/c her grandmother lived in the home and she would make sure my step-dau would be taken care of so we thought...needless to say her mother is still worthless she lies so much b/c she is still hung up on the relatIonship she had with my husband 10 yrs ago..but when my step-dau was with me she didn't want for anything but now she is suffering but what can we do...i am only the step-mom...i didn't mean to go into all this but io hope it helps to know that u are not alone...

Answer 9

No one wants to be rejected by his or her own mom, often children that do loose a parent this way make up stories in his or her mind that rationalize what happened.

Don’t make your stepson choose between you and his biological mom. Remain supportive, help him cope with what happened in the past, support his happiness and willingness to see her again, and be there when she lets him down again.

He is not yours to keep forever (regardless whether he is your stepson or biological son); every child grows up and must leave home. Your role is to help him grow up to be responsible, respectful and well adjusted that includes all of his family not just the members you want. He is allowed to love both of you.

Answer 10

damn, it is like these bio moms are reading from the same handbook.

same here, bio mom is telling stepson she is coming to get him so they can live together. the hooker ain't been around in years. just out the blue, she is talking about she is coming to get him. i say bullshi++++

i don't know what your situation is or if it is the same like mines. but i say that you guys need to discuss, with her trifling @$$$ included the best arrangements for the child.

it is not healthy for her to appear when she is ready and leave when she is tired.

the court may need to be the mediator in this situation (just to have somebody neutral) and make a plan how the visitations will go.

what does your husband say in this situation?