Paying for daughter's wedding - what would you do?

Question

Would you pay for an elaborate wedding if you didn't like your future son-in-law or believed the marriage would last? Has anyone come across this problem in their own family and if so, how did you handle it? Although I love my daughter very much, I cannot support her wish to provide an expensive wedding production for up to 250 people. This guy is a possessive, materialistic narcissist, who will step all over her once the ring is on the finger...and she just doesn't get it. I know it will be a matter of time, but it probably won't hit her until she's mature enough to say Enough is Enough (she's 23). Don't get me wrong, I will commit to some money, but I'll be darned if it's going to be a production show.....

sorry I meant to say the marriage WOULD NOT last....

I forgot to mention one other thing. They were engaged once and we lost a downpayment on a reception hall...this is the second time around. $10k is all I'm willing to part with. thanks

In answering Calico L, his parents love my daughter. They will be pitching in for the wedding.

Thank you everyone for your answers. It really helps me to know that others are on the same page as myself. I just wish there was something I could do to help my daughter understand without losing her in this battle. Experience has it rewards, but love is blind when it comes to matters of the heart.

Answer 1

$10K? Are you kidding? If they are old enough to get married - they are old enough to pay for it. I'm a daughter, and I can't even imagine expecting my parents to pay for something as extravagant as a big wedding. $10K is an extremely generous offer on your part, and they should be jumping of joy that after the sh1t you've been through with them already you are still willing to contribute.

Answer 2

Short answer - No, I wouldn't pay for an elaborate wedding. Not so much because you don't like your future SIL, more because you don't think the marriage will last.
Perhaps you could set a guest limit and a monetary limit and if they want any more guests or expense they have to pay themselves. 250 people is a lot even if they were the perfect couple! Some people of her age have to pay for it all themselves, with no family contribution, and they manage perfectly well. Perhaps it would make your daughter think again about the marriage.
Edit: I've just seen the bit about second time around for the same couple ... $10k is very generous, actually I think it is too much. Stand firm on this. It's your money and you may be saving your Daughter's future.

Answer 3

I don't blame you for feeling this way! wow - that's a tough situation. On one hand, I know you don't want to ruin your r'ship with her and on the other hand, it's hard to see her running toward a brick wall and be expected to pay for the ride!

I would take her out to lunch - do something special that's just a daddy/daughter day. Let her know how much she is truly loved. Don't come off judgemental or harsh b/c her first reaction will be to get defensive. See if you can talk some sense into her. Why are they in such a rush? To me, she should be that much more HESITANT given the fact that they were once engaged and then ended it. I would advise her to slow down, continue to date him, get to know him more, etc.

Ask her questions that make her think - not in a judgemental way. Things like: honey, have you and X talked about the big things in life such as children, money, your career, who will handle finances? You might not think these things matter now but they can be huge wars in a marriage.

Hopefully she'll delay the wedding and choose to get to know him a little more.

If she goes on with it, I would say you should give some money but not pay for everything. I mean - if they think they're SO MATURE enough to get married, then they're mature enough to pay for the wedding. Afterall, finances are just ONE of the big issues they'll face as a couple. If they can't handle talking about and dealing w/ such things while they're engaged, then I don't hold much hope for them later.

Answer 4

You do NOT have to support a marriage (or pay for an elaborate wedding) that you feel is doomed or headed for trouble, and I can truly understand your feelings.

May I suggest this . . give the couple an ultimatum. They MUST participate in "premarital counseling" (over a period of weeks or months) before you will support (or pay for) their wedding. This is NOT negotiable. If this guy is "not the right person" for your daughter it will come out during these sessions "in living color," . . and hopefully, she will see it and hear it.

You can also make of "statement" of rules concerning the wedding . . the budget . . the location . . and the number of invited guests. There is no reason to do into debut for a wedding.

Answered by: A Certified wedding specialist / A Professional bridal consultant / A Wedding ceremony officiant

Answer 5

First of all, it is your money. You have every right to make the decision as to whether you want to spend it. 10k is a LOT of money. If you are willing to give 10k even though you do not believe in this relationship, I say fine. That is more than enough. She is 23...most likely she has been on her own or in school for a while. At that point, brides and grooms are normally expected to chip in quite a bit more money for their own weddings.

Also, if you genuinely believe this relationship is not meant to last, there may be a time down the road where she will be approaching you for money for her NEXT wedding. Just how much money are you willing to put out for short term relationships?

I say 7k is plenty...10k tops, not a penny more. Just my opinion.

Answer 6

I would tell her you are getting X amount of dollars. What you do with it is your business. Write her a check and let her plan all she wants. If she wants more money than that she'll have to get it herself. Its your money and you can put as many strings on it as you want but I would hate for your daughter to resent you for it.

My dad told us we had X dollars. Whatever was left over from that X dollars we got to keep half as our wedding present (obvously the wedding was a present). I thought it was great for any parents because there was no arguing about how much can I spend on this or that and it gave me plenty of motivation to keep the wedding as cheap as possible. :P

My friend, her mother told her you can have a wedding and I will pay up to 5,000 or you can elope and we will have a big dinner at the house when you get back and I will give you 2,500 cash. She took the wedding, I would have taken the cash because now they are in alot of financial trouble.

I tell you to write the check because then you don't end up having to field phone calls of "but the caterer wants an extra 100...is that so much, can't we just stretch a little, pleeeease its my big day" or "I forgot about this thingy so we are going to need more money" and before you know it your way over budget.

Answer 7

Hi.
I would give her a tight budget ( no more then 2 grand) and if she whines about that, simply inform her that the cost of the canceled engagement broke you. Let her know in love, that you think she should wait another two years to be married, and if she wants to have big ceremony, then she will have to find the funds to do so.

My husband and I paid for our wedding, with no help other then my father in law paying for our quiet dinner after our wedding. ( we had a total of 6 people including myself and my husband). Event hen, including what my father in law speant we were under 2 grand.

As for 250 guests, that’s just stupid. Keep to a SMALL list of only family and the closest of friends.

Be firm, and loving but don’t bend.

Answer 8

How long has she been going out with this guy?
At least insist they go through an Engagement Encounter to makes sure they are 'made for each other', also one of those compatibility tests. If your going to have a big church wedding the minister or priest should be making it part of the package before setting the wedding date. They are good for people who are 'in love' but don't see the faults of their intended. I know a couple of people that went throught them that broke off their engagement soon afterwards.

Answer 9

well, in my opinion (as a Mom of 2 teenage daughters), i would try very hard to encourage a smaller wedding. Not only because of the fact that you dont like the guy, or think it wont last, but unless you and your family are extremely wealthy, wouldn't it be smarter to tell her you would rather give her a certain amount of money and let her use it as a down payment on a new home? Maybe if you logic it from that perspective and not from the "i hate your boyfriend" she might listen??? You didn't mention how old she is...

Answer 10

IMO if they are living together they should be paying for their own wedding.

How long have they known each other? How long have they lived together? How long ago was the wedding supposed to be and got canceled?

Insist on a smaller wedding, point out the last time they planned a wedding they had to cancel and be out the deposit for the reception hall. Also insist on premarital counseling.

I would donate no more than $5,000.

Answer 11

Anything you agree to give is a GIFT! You are not obligated to give them a cent, in all honesty. I wouldn't even give them that much. I also really liked the idea another poster had of requiring them to complete pre-marriage counselling before you give them a dime. If they won't agree to go, they don't get the money. If they balk at that, just say, $10,000 is a ton of money, and I'm not just handing it over (especially with the other failed situation), so either go or forget the money.